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| Wed, 05-05-2010 - 1:58am |
Hi.. decided to come out of the dark and post. I have been reading here for months. I was just so nervous to post. I finally decided enough is enough. So here I am.
I would like to first tell you ladies that I have read many of your stories and I only wish to have an ounce of your strength. You ladies are so strong and should be very proud of yourselves :)
Well here it goes; my story, please bare with me as my emotions are mixed up and to put them on here will be quite the task.
I was with AP for 3+ years now. I am single and have been hopelessly in love with this man who is nothing but empty promises. Before meeting this man I was just getting my stuff back together as I just got out of a long term relationship myself. Which I thought was the end of everything. But I made it and found myself again. So anyway a year later I met XAP. I knew he was married but agreed to go out for that coffee. We were friends from before. I thought nothing of it. We'll he obviously had his eyes set on the prize. I have never seen such persistence in my life. I guess looking back because that is what I do a lot of.. I ask how did I get into this mess? Like I said he was so persistent that he would text me all hours, call me every morning or text me good morning etc. Compliments to kill with him. Little by little I was putty in his hands. I started sleeping with my phone under my pillow cause now I am waiting for the good morning message. I swear I would shower and take the phone with me and if he called I answered (WOW) I am soaking wet and I jump out of shower to answer the phone!!! I never in my life did that for anyone. I recall when he didnt call me one evening he actually text me and apologized for not calling. At this point I thought..ummm really you dont have to apologize??? But I was smitten by that. Ok fast forwarding now to when things went down hill. He was supposed to meet me but he was a no show. Yup no show. I was devastated. I messaged him telling him how I felt and told him I want nothing more to do with him. Well that lasted for a month. A long miserable month. Now with me starting to tell him how I am feeling I found he messaged me less and I started complaining more. I would question why he wasnt as attentive as before but he would butter me up and right back in we were. I think I ended it with him a dozen times. I even went as long as 3 months. I was missing him like crazy. But everytime we would reconnect the dynamics of our relationship would change and he would be so distant. Even to the point when we got "together" I wouldnt hear from him for days. As for before he would call me as we were heading home telling me how much he likes being with me. I felt so cheap and depressed about it. How did I get to be this person? I hate who I have become. I made him my center of everything and he is living to the fullest (to my knowledge). So now it has gotten even worst. I would end it with him and I dont even get a response anymore. I almost do it to see how far he would go and how much he would miss me. Yes I know... again.. who did I become? I do have to tell you that when I do end it I am also thinking I am worth more than this sh*T and i cant take it anymore. But I keep going back. I am determined to get this man out of my system. I want nothing more to do with him; as I am saying that I am thinking about the things I love about him. He is the guy I was looking for. I am extremely attracted to him and his sense of humour is one of a kind. He is (in my mind) kind, caring, great father to his kids etc. charming, attentive well was.. The guy I would make my husband. But he is someone else's. Than I think of his cheating and lying ways and think I would die before being with a man like that. Than I think "hey I am no different" i cant judge. I know I am a mess well my perception of right and wrong is OFF!!!
Im sorry for my long post. I have so much to say but sorting through these feelings is not easy. I don't even know what I am feeling :( I got out of a 10 year relationship mourned the loss of that relationship for 6-7 months and I was back but stronger. Getting over this man is so different. 2 years and counting of trying to free myself and I cant. Even when we are on speaking terms I still feel like something is missing. When I am not with him I feel that too. I dont win either way.
I do have to mention that what hurt the most is this year it has been a very difficult. I lost my job that I had for 15 years and had several family problems. I was hoping that I could talk to XAP about them but he was not interested. He didn't say this to me but I felt it. Seems like he is only around for the good times. As for before he was playing the concerned roll very well. That was an eye opener for me. But not enough to really kick him to the curb. Really how much more do I have to hurt myself to realize that I need better for myself and get rid of this man!
I need to stick to NC and most importantly find myself. I am so disappointed in myself that I put my needs in front of an innocent woman and children. I hate myself for not caring. I do care as I cry about this all the time and I feel I deserve the pain that has come to me because I did this to a family and in the same breath I will jump at the chance to be with him. I think that is why I keep taking it. I don't know. As you can now clearly see I am all over the place with this. My first involvement with a married man and the last!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Edited 5/5/2010 2:06 am ET by livexlaughxlovex

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Thank you so much for taking the time to share your support. Sending a tonne of xxx ooooo's to each and every one of you. I have been NC for 15hrs or so..LOL. He doesn't know it and I don't plan on telling him as he will just "roll his eyes" if I do. To me the is the worst feeling. Being dismissed when you are trying to reach out to someone you care about. He is very good at doing that. Every time he does it it makes me feel foolish and vulnerable. Almost desperate! I am exhausted spiritually, emotionally and physically. I really cannot take anymore. I don't know if anyone here almost feels like this but I surely do. Even when he does contact me and he did this morning I don't even get my fix anymore. I get even more upset LOL. Oh and I didn't respond. I know he think I am a Wacko Jacko for sure. I am so hot and cold within minutes with him. What puzzles me is he is so cool calm and collected. For example I could go on about how disappointed I am and he will reply with "so do you want to ----?" You fill in the blank LOL. How infuriating is that??? I don't want to cry over spilled milk and there is nothing I can do to erase some of my bad choices I have made thus far. I wish I could everyday. I am looking to you ladies for the skills and strength to pull through and understand this better on "our" point of view. Trying to figure his feelings and motives is too exhausting so rather than focusing on him I will focus on my feelings and my motives in all of this mess I have created.
No one can survive on such a diet. Eventually all vital organs will shut down and you will become a shadow of the person you once were, if in fact, you aren't feeling like this already.
So true Iddy- I do feel like that and that is why I feel as if I don't have the courage and strength to do anything right. I have lost touch will my whole being. I neglected myself to the point where I even stopped doing things that I enjoyed doing in the past. My light has dimmed and I hope it is possible to spark that baby back up!
There were so many points made in the replies that I want to mention but there are too many. I want you to know that you guys are really making me think. In a good way :)
I also started reading a book lastnight that I bought a year ago. Its called 10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives (LOL) and so far I love it.
There is something specific that I want to mention from the book as it reminded me of this board.
Want Self Esteem? Get it the OLD FASHIONED WAY...EARN IT!
~"How can I increase my self_esteem?" Can you recommend a book? A seminar? A workshop? Here is the answer: Self Esteem is earned! When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrifice, self-doubts, and friction from the world- when you show such courage and tenacity---you will genuinely impress yourself accordingly and not settle for less from others--- at least not for long. Self esteem is forged from your efforts and cannot believe the self defeating moves women make to avoid these efforts.
Written by: Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
So far I love it and hope to take something positive from it. At least the knowledge that combined with this board. All I have to apply what I am learning. I am an emotional person. Bad habit of making decisions based on my emotions. As soon as I feel low I reach out. Even if I am happy about something I want to reach out. To XAP that is. I have to stop.
I'm sorry this is long "again" just so much inside of me that needs to come out. Now you have an idea of how long my messages were to XAP. He loved it all right LOL. Enough about him and more about us.
XXX OOO
Live
LLL,
I am liking you already. The ladies said enough. They took care of you. Always will. Amazing bunch eh? I just wanted to say welcome.
No worries about the long posts, first, we expect that from you, your a newbie, n guess what we know you have a lot to get out...we all do/have. So post away...vent, just as long as you DO NOT Break Contact.
Ugh, I see you said you been reading here, so I am
going to assume you have blocked him since that last text message this morning. We call that Blocking n Walking round here. If you have not done so BLOCK NOW. Right now. U may be strong today n be able to resist him but it is likely you will not in the days to come. He will fish n fish n fish n you will regret not blocking him. This I know.
If u can block email, do so. Remove him from FB or Twitter or any of that stuff. Block it all. If you can change your phone number do that...I had to in the end n it was well worth knowing he could never get to me again. Ever. It was me taking ALL my power back. I can not tell you how even if u do not respond to him, he will still get to you even if you do not break contact.
We have all walked in your shoes. Know that we know all the ups n downs of it all. Do what you need to in order for you to protect yourself. Block n walk. We are with you.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi again-
I wanted to address your feelings of "why?" In the initial stages of NC, you will lament your past actions. You will regret being such a "wacko." We've all BTDT. I think E1 said it best to me in the early stages. She said that nothing I say or do now can change what I did or said then, so you learn to let it go and move on. Actions speak louder than words, dear, and blocking and walking will speak volumes. You don't own him an explanation. He is not part of your healing. What's done is done and now you stand in the wreckage and assess what is salvageable.
Going NC seemed so harsh to me. But Iddy said that NC is not a punishment as so many of us think, rather it's a gift that we give to ourselves and to our xap's so that we both can heal. Each day you are in NC you will gain strength and new understandings of yourself and the situation. The fog will slowly begin to lift and these ups and downs will become less severe. So bunker down and be ready to weather the storm. As long as you stick to NC, you will keep moving forward and the light at the end of the tunnel will get closer.
YOu have certainly come to the right place. I have said it over and over, but coming here and trusting in the advice given saved my life and it will save yours.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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