New and Need Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
New and Need Support
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 3:57pm
Here’s my situation. I will try to keep it as short as possible. I have been married for almost three years and I ended a six week long A with MM three months ago. He wanted me to leave my H and he was going to leave his W, but I couldn’t go through with it b/c he has a one year old son. I work with my XMM and I have to see him five days a week. It has gotten to the point where we only say polite greetings or talk about work related issues. It is like torture having to come here every day and face him. One day I still love him…the next day I hate him. I find myself analyzing every interaction I have with him. My heart and my mind are in constant conflict. Logically, I know that I am being unrealistic and immature, but my heart makes me obsessed with my XMM. I think it is b/c I had the best sexual relationship of my life with him. The sex between my H and I has been below average for most of my marriage. And now I don’t even enjoy kissing and hugging my H anymore. Why after three months can’t I get through this? I always wonder whether or not my XMM is getting through this or is he feeling the same way I am. Everyday I struggle with whether or not to talk to him. I can’t deal with this anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 4:17pm

You are in the right place... Endings take a long time to get over, especially when you're still in contact with the XMM (like I am)...

I have been married a lot longer than you have, but I too had the best sex of my life with my XMM, and it's hard to go back and accept being with my H - although we're working on improving things...

I don't think you can set a time limit on how long it takes to heal... and until you have figured out and dealt with WHY the affair ever began in the first place (and it's about something missing inside of YOU, not just about sex, your marriage or the OM), you won't move on from it.

I've been out of my affair almost 5 months, although I am still in way too much contact with my XMM, which I'm sure is slowing my healing (yes, GT, I hear your voice even as I type this)... and it still hurts. I started therapy, and I wonder if you've ever considered that - it helps a lot...

I hope you'll keep posting here - I don't have as much time to reply right now as I would like, but I know you'll get lots of support and understanding and advice from the ladies (and men) here...



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 11:39pm
Hi, welcome to the board. This is good for support, just being here and being able to share with others.

I hate to be a "downeer", but you have to consider that you might not ever "get over" it. You may feel a loss forever. You may never be 100% satisfied with your sex life again. Some things you just never forget.

But that doesn't mean that you can't live through it, make the life you have better, improve your sex life (98% satisfaction is not bad!) and move on. Life is never about being completely happy all the time.

After MM left me the first time, I think it was 7 YEARS before I "got over it", and by that I mean where I was able to forget about him most of the time. We had been together for 5 years. And I never really forgot, I just learned to block it out of my mind.

You need to learn some tactics for working through this. New friends at work. New pasttimes at work (used to have lunch together? Go for a walk instead.) Counseling and friend support can be excellent. And then the best cure of all: TIME. Be patient with yourself and take the time it needs to heal.