New and not sure if ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
New and not sure if ....
2
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 3:44pm

this is the place I should be...

Here's my story... A few years ago, when I was still married to my abusive ex-husband, I had an EMA. It was very short lived. My marriage ended shortly thereafter, not due to the EMA, but due to the abuse. I later met the man who would later become my husband. Because I didn't want any secrets to be between us, I told him about the EMA I had had with my ex. While he realizes that the betrayal wasn't between us specifically, he still has difficulty accepting this sometimes. I get through this by being extremely stubborn and reminding him that making bad decisions or choices does not make one a bad person. And he agrees with me. I guess the thing that makes it difficult sometimes, is when this topic is brought up by others (who don't know our specific situation), they inevidably spout the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." Maybe in some cases this is true, but in my case, because I know how horrible it is to feel like a pariah, I would never do this again. The guilt I felt was too much. Even though many of my friends say I was justified because my ex was worthless, I don't feel like it was. I guess what I'm looking for is how to get us past this stage where I feel like I constantly have to prove myself... or maybe that is part of the consequences I have to live with...

Any advice or input would be appreciated....

Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 8:02pm
I am sorry that you had an abusive relationship and agree with you that it does not justify having an A. Having an A is never the answer. I have a wonderful loving husband who would never hurt me emotionally or physically and yet I still had an A with another MM. While we have ended it and I confided in my husband, it is hard to move on knowing what I did to him, to myself and my marriage. I agree in that learning to forgive yourself is probably the hardest thing to overcome, but I pray that I will in time. What is the old cliche? Time heals all wounds. Hopefully with the love of your new man and my husband, and with them (knowing what they know) and still wanting to stick around can help us remember that we are good people. Even good people make bad decisions and judgements. I just keep trying to remind myself that deep down I am a good person and I am sure you are too. You just have to try and let go and take something away from your experiences. Afterall, what good is the past if we don't learn from it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 8:43pm

Dani

No great words of wisdom.

Once a cheater does not mean always a cheater in fact the stats put women that repeat at about 15 percent so 85 percent don't and your one of the 85 percent.

Who are you proving yourself to "You or others, if others FORGET THEM, be true onto yourself, you deem cheating wrong then you don't do it not because others may treat you like a pariah but because it is something that is not acceptable to you.

The person you have to make peace with is yourself.

Free