New and trying to find the courage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
New and trying to find the courage
4
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 3:50pm
Hi I found this board the other day and I've been reading a ton...I'm so sad I know I need to end my A but it is so hard to figure out how..I'm a mw having A with mm we've known each other for 25 yrs and for the past 21 weve more or less been having an on again off again A...i am with my 2nd H we got caught having A when I was with 1st H and he was just living with w my H divorced me he stayed with her AP and I ended...then I met current H moved rather fast into marriage got pg thought I had a pretty good life got pg again had baby number two I really thought life was good I dreamed about AP and I'm not going to lie sometimes I ran into him on purpose but I really thought I was happy and he and I didnt talk for give yrs by now he had finally married her and they had one kid...when my youngest was 6 months old he showed up at my door one nite after five yrs of no contact I didnt even know he knew where I lived..it didnt start out with sex we would just talk and thought we wouldn't have sex after all we lived through that devastation once and it was terrible more so for me I lost everything...of course it progressed and now its been 5.5 yrs since he came here we talk everyday and are intimate multiple times a week...i feel like hes my whole world and that I love him and he is very closed emotionally he says he has feelings but doesn't voice I love you he doesn't tell his w either...we goo through these awful stages where we will talk of a future about leaving our spouses I will tell him dont say your thinking about it if ur not and he will assure that he is then time will go by and hell say he can't cuz of kids and this last time we argued over it and he said he just said it was the kids that the past 5 yrs its been all in my head and he let me think somethings there for the sex.....then he will say he didnt mean those things he said at all....i can't take this its such torture I know I need to get out but I can't imagine life w/o him...my whole life has suffered my H is a good man my kids deserve a happy mom but I'm to obsessed with him I just dont know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 4:09pm
Well, honey, what you do is keep reading, especially the Healing Library, and once you've made a decision to end your A, we will be here to help and support you. Until then, you'll have to just keep lurking. This board is for Enders (people who have already walked away from AP and the A) and are here to get help and support for dealing with the aftermath of this destructive behavior.

Hope to hear soon that you have called it quits, so until then....

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 11:46pm
Seek support from "after the affair" boards until you have made the decision to end. Keep reading the posts here because you will see a lot of your struggles and be able to relate. But the only support you will get is to keeping it ended, not IF you should end it. And the only way to truly end is to stop any and all contact FOREVER. You might not be ready for that :)

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 12:23pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 12:31pm
"Hi I found this board the other day and I've been reading a ton...I'm so sad I know I need to end my A but it is so hard to figure out how."

((hugs)) to you.

I know you think that figuring out HOW is the hard part. But really, ending an affiar involves three things: Deciding to go NO CONTACT, BLOCKING all avenues of connection, and sheer RESOLVE to reclaim your life, your dignity, and your spirit.

The road map is easy ... it is the ride that demands courage, commitment and faith.

I hope we will be welcoming you sooner than later.

Much care,

TU.