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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
New to this board
9
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 9:59pm

Hi everyone....I've gone from the MAS to AAS and I guess I belong here now...LOL

You can read all my other posts, but my story in a nut shell: I was in an A for a year (both of us are married) He is getting divorced because his wife found out about his other affair...he told me right from the start that all he wanted was sex and nothing else and I agreed. We tried to end it numerous times, but every time we were alone it happened. ( I used to watch his son) He was always: yes I want it....no, I don't....yes, I do...etc...He's never called to chat or text or anything like that. BUT after he told me he didn't want ANY affair anymore, I found him on an affair dating site. I called him out on it and he told me he had that account for awhile (it was a lie) and then he deleted it. I've tried to talk to him about things and he refuses to talk about them and when I call him, he never calls me back. My friend told me forget it....he's an a**...focus on you. I want to...I really do....it's just hard. I have a feeling when he wants it again he'll call.....

Advice? You can certainly read my other posts on the MAS board....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 10:22pm

Welcome to EAS. I know it is hard and seems daunting at times but NC is the way to go. Some of us (me) have found out the hard way that NC or LC (only if you work together, live nearby or are in-laws) is the only way to truly start the healing process. We

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 11-09-2009 - 10:33pm

Welcome Jilly


Well, it sounds like it is over for him and he is moving on.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 5:36am

Welcome Jilly,


You were both in it for the sex right?

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Tue, 11-10-2009 - 1:05pm
I guess I'm having a hard time letting go. I know I wasn't his first affair (nor will I be his last I'm sure) It's just that he said he didn't want it anymore, then I find him on that site. Thought he didn't want ANY affair. It would have been better had he said: "I don't want an affair w/ you anymore in case we get caught" (I'm "friends" with his wife) That I could understand but why lie about it and say I don't want an affair then look at hook-up sites? (He and his wife don't have sex anymore....she doesn't know about me and the one-night stand he had) I guess I don't want him having sex with someone else.....?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 1:42am

Jilly,


Let's not forget that cheaters lie and liars cheat.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 7:28am

I know for a fact they don't have sex because: 1. I'm friends w/ his wife and she tells me they don't (although I guess I'm not really her friend because if I was I wouldn't be sleeping w/ her husband)
2. Because of his first affair, he lost his job and he had to tell her why. She hasn't forgiven him, they're in debt, are going to divorce and he doesn't even sleep in their room anymore.

And you're right.....I'm sure I'm not the only girl he was sleeping with. How stupid was I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 8:27am

"how stupid was I?" -- Gee, I've been asking myself the same question for weeks!! ha. I am the queen of Naivety! My xAP didn't even out and out lie to me; he only implied I could trust him, and I totally fell for it. What an idiot I was. I wanted to believe he was not the complete Dog he'd demonstrated himself to be - past affairs, attitude, and whatnot. I needed to believe I was 'special' and I needed to project onto him qualities that he didn't possess so I could justify my feelings for him. Cheaters are LIARS, every last one of them (us included). Ask yourself, "why was I so willing to dupe myself when I probably knew deep-down I was being a fool?" Lying to oneself and then believing the lie is one of the most toxic games we play with ourselves.

Once we're out of the As, and the fog has lifted, we can see our xAPs and ourselves more honestly. It's never a pretty picture and the bare truth hurts, but if we don't buck up and look at our past realistically, we can't learn and grow from the experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 1:43pm

Yep, you know they aren't sleeping together, but what does it matter?

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 12:06pm
Oh...his actions are speaking loud and clear! I just never understood the: yes, let's do it...no, let's not....then: I don't want any affair to looking at hook-up sites (which he swears he never goes out "looking" for this) It just hurts knowing I wasn't worth the truth. Maybe I'm just being mean here, but I hope he finds someone else and she breaks his heart or he gets caught again. Is that wrong of me?