New to the board - needing support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
New to the board - needing support
3
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 5:33pm
Hi all. I'm new to this board. I'm having an affair and NEED to end it. (But don't *want* to end it)

The other man is my husband's uncle. He is also married. I have fallen in love with him, and he with me. He is also my best friend, my mentor AND my boss at work. (Can this situation get any more complicated?)

My marriage is terrible and if there is any hope of saving my marriage, I need to quit seeing uncle. There are a lot of complicating factors in this situation. One is hubby and I have NEVER had a good sex life. I no longer desire him at all, and am sick of not getting my needs met. And yes, he and I have had *many* discussions about sexuality. We are just polar opposites. Sexually people can make adjustments to some degree, but we are so incompatible that the very middle of the middle ground wouldn't make either of us happy.

So that makes it all the harder to want to give up this amazing sex life with uncle. Plus the fact that I'm doubting my marriage will work anyway.

I know I'm rambling. There's just so much involved in this situation and I can't possibly put it in one posting. Short story is I need to quit seeing the man I love, and focus on rebuilding my marriage (with a husband I resent and am so hurt by).

Feels like ending the affair means giving up the brightest spot in my life. How do you do that? Has anyone given up the one they love to focus on an ugly marriage and felt HAPPY about it? I'm needing some hope here because I'm running out of it and need motivation to make this decision and stick with it.

Thanks for listening.

Alyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:04pm
Hi, Alyssa. I'm new to the board too (my first post was yesterday re: working in the same bldg. as xOM)...so welcome!

Well, I don't think I really had much of a marriage either, and I've often told my xH (yes, we're divorced now, almost a year) that I felt as if we were just room mates because we didn't really do much together and having opposite work schedule didn't help either. I was probably unhappy and didn't really know it so when the xMM came along, I didn't really resist it too much.

Based on my experience, if you still love your H then I think you should do everything/anything possible to work on your marriage and sex life. I don't mean to sound dorky:) here, but I think that if there's still love, then it's worth every effort. And when there's love, there's hope.

As far as ending the A, well, I tried to do that a few weeks after it started and the A lasted for a couple of years (yes, a couple of years of off/on A). We tried to be just friends since we worked in the same bldg., but we ended up getting back together again and again. This last time, I told him that two people can't be just friends when there are romantic feelings involved. So now I am trying hard to limit our contact and it's so hard...I think it makes me miss him even more. So when you break off your A, be ready to go through some rollercoaster type of emotions, and we'll be here for you (I wish I joined this 2 years ago).

Good luck and take care,

Ana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:15pm
Welcomr Alyssa - we are here for you - please keep posting and reading the other posts.

Take care - Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 7:01am
Welcome Alyssa...

First, I'm glad you came to this board. I haven't been here long, but the support and advice are wonderful, and I'm sure you'll get lots of answers (although maybe not so much over the weekend - it seems to quiet down on the weekend here)...

I am confused by your post though. I agree that ending the A with your uncle is a good idea - you seem so tangled up in it on many levels - family and work and everything else... and until you know what you truly want for you, it won't work. Does he want to end it also, or just you?

Mostly though - I am not sure I understand why you want to stay in your marriage. I'm NOT advocating that you leave your H, especially not to be with someone else. But the picture you paint is not encouraging, and I wonder what is making you want to go back to this situation that you say doesn't have much hope to work out... You describe your marriage as "ugly", you say you and H are polar opposites, that you resent your H and you're hurt by your H. So - why do you want to stay with him? Is it fear of leaving - believe me, I can relate to that if it's the case... is it because you feel it's the "right" thing to do? For religious reasons? Or do you have kids and think you should stay for them??? From what you've written, I'm sorry but I don't get it.

In my case, there is still love between me and my H. We have lots of issues, obviously, or I wouldn't be here, wouldn't have had an affair. But I don't see my situation as hopeless. What you've described is beyond just having some issues... you never mentioned loving your H - do you? Does he love you? If there is love, then I strongly recommend you get counseling - both for yourself and as a couple - to see if you can figure out what you really want to do, and help you see if your marriage can be saved. If there is no love, and no hope - then I guess I'm not sure why you feel the need to force yourself to live like that...

Please know that what I've said is NOT advocating that you pack up and leave... just asking you to clarify because you sound miserable - almost like you want to punish yourself - about the prospect of going back to your marriage...

Hugs

Glinda