new to board, This one has less typos

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
new to board, This one has less typos
4
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 7:41pm
My story is very long, but I'll make it short for now. I met someone last year in September, but we did not get involved till October. Well, we had been together for a few months till he told me he was married. I never saw him wear a ring at all. Well, we were together till may 2004. He stopped calling me and showed up around may 5th when I was in the hospital really sick and that was the first time I saw his ring! well I got upset and said I hope that God punishes him for how he has treated me and what he has done. Well, next thing I know, few days later, his wife calls me. Anyhow then she shows up at my parent's house (cause I live there temporarily) with her mother. well the whole problem I have is that I am pregnant. I became pregnant in March and I was happy to tell him so. because I love him. Well, He obviously was not happy. He would tell me things like "well if, I weren't married this would be great," "I do care for you and love you, but you know this situation is not good." I felt hurt. I feel hurt because well I never told his wife anything, he told her everything and made me look bad to boot. He told her that I was out to get him even as far as saying I went to his house to throw eggs and hat I was nuts. I feel so hurt that he would make me look so bad with lies. I was in the hospital on that day may 5th due to severe vomiting with this pregnancy. Many times he asked for an abortion saying and then saying things such as maybe I could let him adopt this baby so that he and his wife could raise it, I couldn't believe him! This was before he told her. Well, we both go to the same school and have the same circle of friends in a way, but I could not attend this semester for being too sick with this pregnancy. he does call me to see how I am or how the baby is. As a matter of fact I told him last week that I found out it's girl and he goes with indifference "oh congratulations." I mean this hurts specially since I am pregnant and well I never believed in abortion and This pregnancy was obviously not planned, but I felt to terminate would not make me feel any better of the situation. So here I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and I accepted the pregnancy, but I feel miserable cause he doesn't care to call or anything. I wonder why he did what he did and why he hates me so. I asked him that about a week ago when I called his cell with a different number and he just hung up on me! I finally got to speak with him about paternity issues at the being of July after threatening to go to his job to speak to him. He goes with a defiant tone of voice "what can I help you with" I asked if he was going to pay for paternity since he was the one requesting it supposedly to put this baby on his medical insurance. Well, he asked if I could do the testing now and I said "well if you have 900 bucks to spare sure" and he goes "no cause I am going through a divorce" well Another fact he has cheated on his wife at least 5 times before me during 17 years of marriage, I found out. I suppose I should not have believed him telling me all those sweet things. I feel hurt and betrayed by the way he is acting. Can someone here help me through this with any advice, I mean people tell me not to care what he thinks or says, he isn't/hasn't been nice to me. Another thing he is almost 20 years older than me! I just wish he could tell me look it's over like an adult and leave it at that. I feel no closure.

Ro.




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:29pm
HI RO

I hate to have to say it but you should not expect any sort of good will from this serial cheater, you dragged that Rat out of the dark into the light of day were he is now going to have to pay for what he has been doing to you and at least 5 other women not including his wife, so he is P/Oed at you TO BAD FOR HIM.

Hon get a lawyer NOW and go after child support and any expenses you have do to the baby that is on the way, you need to protect yourself in the eyes of the law.

Get court ordered pat tests.

Remember it is the childs money and she has a right to it.

Ro you were the victim of a sick pro serial cheater, put the blame were it belongs ON HIM, you would not expect closure from a robber and this guy is no different just his weapons are different.

Just worry about taking care of yourself and your baby, that dog can drop dead.

Post her as much as you want we will support you.

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:08pm
Hiya Pycnogi,

I have a beautiful 20mos old baby daughter fathered by my exMICR. This is a child he suggested we have together in order to "make our relationship that much more perfect," this is a child he was so excited about that he failed to turn up for her birth, this is a child he never paid a penny for until the Child Support Agency (UK version, not sure what US version is) intervened in February 04 when she was 15mos old.

Those pregnancy hormones will be playing havoc with your mind as well as your body, I know how you feel, sweetie. I wanted mine to come through for me at the last minute, sweep me & our baby off our feet & carry us off into the sunset on his white horse.

By the time this was on offer, I'd realised just was an arsehole this chap really was and couldn't think of anything worse than being with him. Incidentally his wanting us to be a family at last was precisely the time I told him flat out it was not ever going to happen.

Seven months have passed since I made the decision that exMICR was neither the man he'd made himself out to be nor the kind of role model I wanted my daughter to grow up with.

I won't kid you, honey. It wasn't easy to let go of the images of white picket fences and knowing looks shared across the breakfast table over our daughter's head. Then again, that was never really going to happen since those images were only ever part of our dreamlike bubble away from reality. A real live baby that needs love, feeding, changing, comforting and such was just too much like reality for his liking.

When you are pregnant, you worry about how good a mother you're going to be. And when the little one is born every fibre of your being needs to protect him or her from people just like your MM.

Your child deserves to see her mother being loved, respected, trusted & valued every bit as much as her mother deserves these things for her own sake. This is how she will come to choose her own relationships later in life, by the example you give her. She will judge men by the standards set by the male role models in her life. That was the turning point for me - I would hate to think that my daughter would willingly choose someone to whom lying, cheating, deceit and manipulation in order to satisfy his own wants/needs in preference to & at the expense of anyone elses' wants/needs obviously came so easily.

As scary & frightening as it all seems right now, you'll discover that you have strength you never imagined was there, honey. And the reason for that strength will soon be looking up at you from her safe place nestled right there in your arms.

I echo the earlier poster's suggestion in seeking legal advice NOW for your daughter's financial security.

I'm here when you need me, and often when ya don't.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 11:38am
<<<<>>>

Your post was heart felt. Everything you wrote was beautiful and honest. I hope Pycnogi reads every word until she fully understands the seriousness of what she has done, and what she has to face.

Thank you for sharing your story, and have a wonderful life with your precious child.

`Begin`

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:25pm
Hiya Begin,

<<<<>>>

At the time, I didn't believe in or value myself enough to require those things in my own relationship with exMICR. For my daughter I will accept nothing less. Without question, it is one of the hardest life lessons I've ever had to learn, but worth every painful, jagged moment whenever I look into my daughter's eyes.

My story has a happy ending in that my DH (from whom I separated in order to embark upon my EMA) and I have reconciled with marriage counselling and together we raise my daughter as a family.

Perhaps unusally, DH & I remained the best of friends during our separation & my relationship with exMICR. I was there for him when his new relationships didn't work out just as he was there for me during the many ups & downs of my roller coaster ride with exMICR.

DH was there holding my hand, bringing me ice chips, chasing down the epidural chap, and it was DH who decided on which of the two names we'd chosen when my daughter was born. ExMICR phoned 4 times during my labour to see how I was doing & typically was pissed when I explained I was rather busy at the moment!

Together DH & I got through the difficult but rewarding first few months. DH changed his fair share of diapers, took his turns at night feeds, and has been there every single step of the way for our daughter. DH has celebrated my daughter's firsts, from learning to roll over to saying Mama to sitting up and right through to walking. DH is proud DD calls him Dada. We have a fridge magnet which reads: Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a Daddy.

Typical of DH, he freed me to chase my own rainbow (my EMA). DH allowed me to discover for myself that DH's actions meant far more than exMICR's pretty words. Little did either of us know that our rainbows would end at each others' doorsteps, but I'm thankful every day they did. I regret that it took something like this to make me realise that what I already had was everything of which I had always dreamed.

Today I have love, real love based in reality rather than the fairy tale EMA bubble we seem to lock ourselves away in and then kick ourselves for believing in when it bursts.

Today I am happy, genuinely happy in a loving relationship based on trust, mutual respect and mutual appreciation where I can hold hands openly with the man I love, where I can go to sleep with him every night & awake with him every morning and where I & my daughter come second to no one else on the face of the planet.

And today my daughter grows up with a Daddy who would willingly lay down his life for her, who delights in her every achievment, who picks her up when she stumbles, who cuddles her just because she wants a cuddle from Daddy, and who truly believes the sun shines out of her backside (and he's right, it does!)

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie xxx