new to board-- so upset and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
new to board-- so upset and confused
5
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 11:38am
Hi. I am new here. I am not here to judge, but rather get some info. My 70 year old widowed mother has just revealed to my sister and I that she has been in a relationship with a MM for 3 months. Details from her: he is the man that broke off an engagement with my mom 50 or so years ago after hooking up with his now long time wife. She reconnected with him at a reunion. They have been doing what she says are casual things, but that "I am in love with him and he is in love with me" (after 3 months). He will absolutely not leave his wife and "they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniv." My dad has been dead for 10 years. We had given my mom the "green light" (not that we had to) to date a while ago. Didn't think we had to say "don't date a married man, let alone the jerk that you have used all of our lives as an example of a pig" (my mom has told us about him numerous times, usually when we ourselves got dumped-- she would tell us how hurt she was but that then she found my dad and had 35 wonderful years with him). Now this man "has changed." I am trying to be brief and having trouble. Sorry!

My sister and I are shocked, devastated, and don't know what to do. We cannot condone this. She is so hypocritical now. She used to BLAST one of her friends to us who was carrying on with a MM. Now it's okay? And we're supposed to "understand" and "let her take this risk" as she has asked us to? She has now said some extremely hurtful things to us and us to her. She told us that our love "must not be strong enough (for her) to not let her do what she wants to be happy." Bottom line, we feel like she is choosing, she won't believe anything we say, she is incredibly defensive, and basically says how we react to this is "our choice" and not her problem. This is not my mom. I am so sad.

Please , I hope that someone can she some light from your perspective. I am not here to judge, nor will I. I want my mom to be healthy, she is attractive, smart, financially stable and independent and youthful. She told me that she would continue this affair "at any cost". Thank you so much for your thoughts, and I''m sure you'll "hear" from me again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:19pm
Hi Mom,

It is a very rough situation. Your mom is 70 years old, not a baby if you ask me, and very capable of making her own decisions. It may not be the most rational thing she is doing, but instead of fighting her why dont you try to understand what drove her to that point with this person she has put down all her life to you and your sister.Ask her why. Fighting her is only going to push her away. She is widowed and probably feeling very lonely and this person may have just given her that attention she may have been looking for. When I found out my mom was seeing someone else while divorcing my dad I was furious and so where my brothers and sisters, I fought with her all the time until she completely shut me and my siblings out of her life, Spent nine months I did not see her or talk to her. Made me realize my mom was not a kid and I needed to respect her and not go against her,but I was honest about my feelings towards her decision with other man. She was what was important to me and I told her if he hurts you I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU. Eventually my mom stopped seeing this person and we have that mother daughter relationship back to normal. Sometimes you need to just back away and let them realize things for themselves.....

I hope this helps.

Her if u need me.

Take Care

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:24pm
HI Mom

Not to make light of your mothers situation but how much carrying on can a 70 + year old man do, is it possible that it is more about companionship and memories then anything else??

You said that your mother said that she is going to continue this at any cost, the question is will HE, have you had a chat with him about the possible effects that this affair could have on his 50 year marriage and wife if someone were to let his wife know about it, if he is your typical cheating married man he will turn tail and run for home if his marriage is really threatened.

Not suggesting you tell his wife just that you blow away the affair fog from around his head so that he sees more clearly the possable outcome of his actions.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:05pm
Your mother is an adult. A 70-year old adult. Though you may not agree with her choice, it is her choice. It certainly isn't worth ruining your relationship with her over it. Accept this as her choice and support HER, which isn't the same as supporting her decison. Perhaps she'll get bored of it after awhile. She is in the twilight of her years, so let her have happiness where she finds it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:40pm
Oh man - this has got to be hard for you. Here's my two cents worth:

She's 70 years old...he obviously makes her happy...i think she should be happy, deserves to be happy.Especially since your Dad has been gone for 10 years, she has undoubtably been very lonely and this man has made her feel new and happy and loved again. God, is that wrong?

Sometimes I think that life is so short...we just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow - doesn't she deserve this, too? But what about the wife? I don't know...

I am struggling with this myself as I just fell in love with a MM - he was separated from his wife, and it caused my H to leave me, although we are not divorced yet.

And I felt selfish doing it - but at the same time, I felt like this was the first time in my life I was doing something selfish and just for me. I felt like for a change I wanted to be happy instead of trying to please everyone else.

Does any of this help at all? I am probably rambling on.

Just love her - the good and the bad.

Good luck -

Beeya
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:57pm
Wow! This would be very, very tough! I would flip out if I were in your situation. This situation is going to take a great deal of restraint on your part. I would have an overwhelming need to try to control the situation by talking her out of it. I can imagine how ugly this has all become. She told you everything you need to know. She said that she would continue this affair at all costs. Chances are that she is going to have to learn the hard way like nearly every woman on this board. It is so tough when it is your own mom but she is going to have to learn and there is no way that you or your sister are going to be able to teach her, but there is a very real chance that you will lose her if you don't allow her to make her own mistakes. Be there for her now so that you can be there for her when it ends and she is sad. It is your mom and although the thought of what she is doing probably makes you sick, there is nothing a mother can do that should cause a wedge between her and her children. If you were living a mistake, I imagine it would be very important to you that you knew you had your mom to fall back on. It is going to be really hard and you do not have to ever support her decision but try to support her. I would suggest you discuss the subject as little as possible and when discussing it, stick to how much you love her and that you are afraid she is going to get hurt. When you are in the bliss of a new affair you can't conceive that you are going to be hurt but it allows her permission to come to you for support when she does get hurt. Remember, mom's are human too. Sometimes it is just easier not to know how human they are. Good luck!