New to this board...here's my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
New to this board...here's my story
8
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:31pm

Hi all. I just came here from Affair Support where I typed a goodbye post. I will look around more over the next few days when I get a chance but I wanted to get here and start posting before I changed my mind. My story:

I have been married nearly 10 years to a selfish, hateful, violent jerk. (Not physically abusive)I have 2 children. We live from paycheck to paycheck so I have been trying hard to secretely save enough money for a D. We haven't had sex in about 3 years and haven't even slept in the same bed for nearly 6 years. H has cheated on me numerous times and probably is right now, but I am way past caring. I have been friends with a guy at work for about 3 years. We have always flirted and in December things went to the next level. We started kissing and he was calling me all the time. The only time we had to see each other was at work. BTW, his W works there too. We became very careless and got caught. The crap hit the fan on January 3rd. He admitted everything to his W and she called my H and told him. I lied the best I could. He came to my work and threatened MM with bodily harm but I was able to make him leave. MM initiated immediate NC with me. Would not even look at me. Gave his W his cell phone. So here it is almost 3 weeks later and still NC.

This MM was my friend. He was caring and gentle. He listened and gave me support. He said he only wanted to be with me and that he would divorce his W. He has never made it a secret to anyone that he wishes he hadn't gotten married and wants out. Long story short....I believe him. I cared for him. He shut me out completely when we got caught and begged his W not to leave him.

Having had so much time alone to think, I have come to the conclusion that he does not care for me. I am feeling very strong today. I am ending any possibility that this A will continue. If at some point MM contacts me and expresses a desire to see me again, I will....!!!!!!! I don't know!!!!!! That is my dilemma. I want to be strong and just let it go, but I don't know if I will be able to! I am hoping that MM will not try to talk to me.

Do they always come back????

Storm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 10:58pm

In reply to your question *Do they always come back*

Mine did once the dust at home settled and W once again started trusting him. In hind sight, I was the DUMB one because I *allowed* him to come back for 6 more years of pain! Each time he felt the stronghold at home slipping, he backed away.....this viscous cycle played me for a fool for way too many years!

Please don't do what I did. Regardless of what he's told you about getting divorced, time will not change the fact that he will ALWAYS run back to his W when his a** is against the wall. He's already proved this to you!

Run as fast and as far as you can and don't look back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 5:55am
nope they dont *always* come back. Sometimes they just move immediately on to the next one they were grooming while you were having ethical guilt over doing the right thing or trying to be the right person. Sometimes...they don't come back because they are weak selfish immature people who really don't know the meaning of "friend" or "love" or they are scared to be *alone* or they have mindf&*ked other people so much they don't even know what is true and good anymore or themselves. You let them go if you love them and don't want to be put through the "test" of conforming to something unrealistic, or perhaps you plan ol' love yourself enough not to deal with the idignity, or you want to remember how to feel good again...in the daylight.
sorry...looks like its going to be one of those days for me to think too much about how i got crapped on,
Lizzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 7:53am

My reference was to *mine*

Lizzie, my apologies for not knowing all the details of your situation. From experience, I do know that taking an entire day to feel sorry for ourselves and RE-living the feelings of being used or as you've stated *crapped on* will be a total waste of what could be a great day!

I also know that letting go and moving forward will NEVER happen until we (the other half of this relationship equation) *willingly* accept *OUR* part of using the affair partner and basically crapping on them!

Once our own pity party ends, the hardest part of the A relationship (and that being forgiveness to oneself) is able to start and the healing begins.

Don't allow yourself to think about HIM today and make yours a great and happy day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 9:21am

Hi D,

To be fare in answering your question, Most of the time they do come back. In the process of my affair which lasted 3.5 years, even when his wife had thier first baby in the first year of our affair he broke things off because of the obvious and I understood completely, HE STILL CAME BACK, and the affair after that became alot more intense. So you see this is why I say YES they do come back. It is up to you to be strong and stand your grounds. If you want a Divorce Why stay having an affair with a married man when after your divorce you will be free to find your prince charming and start your life again the right way. I am sorry for what you are going through. My motto in life is everythig happens for a reason. Dont beat yourself up be happy he is keeping away and try to get your life together and better for you and your children. Try to find the happiness you so much deserve......

Stay strong. I wish you lots of luck...
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 10:44am

I would like to ask a question if I may...about the statement that we used our A partners as they used us. Do you think this is always the case? I don't feel I used my MM in any way. I meant every word I said, every feeling was real for me. I was completely honest and forthcoming about all of my intentions and reasons. I fully expected us to be together exclusively someday. If being with someone because they make you feel good and happy and fulfilled is using someone, then I guess I did. I suppose in that context, all people use each other in every relationship...from friendships to marriages, etc.

I do feel used by MM. I feel he used me to make a point with his W that he could find someone else and would if she didn't change her ways. Maybe he didn't even do it conciously. But yet it was he in the end that had to bow down to her wishes when she threatened to divorce him. I seriously don't want any part of that drama. Let them manipulate each other without me!

It will be very difficult to stand my ground if MM comes back and says all the right things. But it is definitely clear that he can't back up what he says when the pressure is on. As I said, I have lost alot of respect for him and the trust is not there. I don't believe he will try to get back with me, but if he does I will try my best to be strong. And I will come here for support of course!

Taking one day at a time.

Storm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:27pm

In many ways, yes I do believe WE used our A partner. Especially when the OW is married. Sure, we are honest with our feelings but you must admit that at the very same time, we're hoping that the MM/OM will become our savior from a marriage that is obviously not fulfilling and not happy to us.

All human beings are entitled to change their minds, be it about a relationship or what they want to order for lunch. Why can't we (OW) accept the fact that we temporarily used a man for our own gratification? Why can't we accept the fact that OM/MM *was* honest in his actions just like we claim we were......Is it because deep down inside we know that from day 1 they were wrong? They were against our own good character fiber? They were against the morals of society?

Why is it that we (OW) are able and willing to justify our actions as being OK, fair and honest when deep inside we know that the entire relationship of an A is based solely on lies and that regardless of what our spouse has done (or not done) to us, ultimately there is no justification for an A.

Why is it that *some* unhappily married women turn to A's in hope of changing their lives while other unhappily married women turn to an attorney, file for divorce and start a new happier life?

It must be our faulty character flaw.

DistantStorm, learn to accept that what happened to you (A), happened for a reason and the goal was for you to learn from it. Taking time to analyze IF and WHY he used you (or my MM me) only accomplishes a waste of the short time we have on this planet.

Stop worrying (and even thinking) about what you may/will do if/when he should/does come back. Work on wiping out the lost years as if they never happened and concentrate on building your life from this day forward.

In the end, you are/will be the only one that matters and eventually, you will realize that your A thought you a lot and you were a good student of life!

Go out and make it a GREAT day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:33pm
BTW, this board is a great asset in our healing process but the true measure of OUR *success* comes once we're able to leave it for a period of time and stand on our own firm ground and on our own 2 feet ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 2:07pm

I totally agree with everyone here. I think when I first ended the A (really ended it, knowing that I wasn't going to go back even if he came back and that I WANTED it to end), I spent a lot of time wondering if everything he said and did was for real. I think as logicial people (even if we do stupid and illogical things sometimes), we try to convince ourselves that he was just a jerk or that everything he said was a lie since at the end, he never left her.

I spent the first few weeks doing that.....replaying every conversation or every moment we spent and trying to analyize it to see if I was the only one who truly meant and felt everything I felt during the A about him. But you know what? At the end of the day, obsessing over whether he was just a cheater or whether he was honest about his feelings is a waste of time. I was the one that decided that yeah, I DID feel the way I did about him. Maybe he really loved me, maybe he really didn't (I mean, he always said how unhappy he was in his M and how he wanted to be w/ me but never left). Maybe they'll end up married until they're 100 or maybe I'll find out that they got D in a year. At the end of the day, I decided I wanted to not be a part of it. I try to believe, really BELIEVE in the saying, "if you truly love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, you know it was meant to be".

I know it's hard to have NC. Trust me. But you have to do what is right for you at the end. Obviously, the fact that he ran back to his wife and wanted NC with you when your A was exposed tells you that A) he's not really that into you AND/OR B) he truly does care for you but he's the type of person who doesn't make to make any choices/changes even though he's unhappy. And really, would any of us want to be w/ someone who was not assertive with the one life we have?