the new empty space

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
the new empty space
5
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 4:32pm

Back to day 2 of NC (after having sent xAP a b-day card a couple of days ago).

Honestly, I'm doing pretty well. I get a pang once in awhile but then I'm cool. When I wrote to a trusted friend about all this I told her that when I need a punch of reality to know this is the right thing, i just think of his wife. I never met her and don't even know what she looks like but I don't have to. She is a damn good reason for stopping this. I don't think he would have stopped it for awhile. He was OK with going on with our affair. At least I know that I stopped it before she ever found out and got hurt. If he gets caught with someone else some day, it won't be me.

But I will say I have to find a way to deal with the new empty spot and boredom. Boredom is one of the reasons I went looking for the excitement of A to begin with. Now I have to learn how to fill it with something positive.

I have work, my kids, my music and my writing. I remind myself I have to stay on track and get back to writing so I can finally publish something I can be proud of. I don't want to fill the empty space with yet another man - not until I have my head on straight, know what I want and am fine with being by myself.

How are you all dealing with the new empty time that AP used to fill?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 4:55pm

When I wrote to a trusted friend about all this I told her that when I need a punch of reality to know this is the right thing, i just think of his wife.


You are really lucky that his W didn't find out and confront you. Many years ago the W of my XAP found out and confronted me. She wasn't mean but the pain in her voice and what she told me has stayed with me for seven years. To this day, I still think about the things I did with her H and I cringe because I could not believe how I didn't even think of his W while I was doing it. I wanted him so bad. I remember the feeling when I saw her before we started the A. She was one of the nices people I had met. She even baked the entire law office a cake for the holidays. So more women on this board need to stop thinking about how much they want another woman's H and think about the innocent woman who didn't agree to being in an open M but yet is forced to because we couldn't think about someone else before ourselves.


When I joined EAS seven years ago, the CL and the ladies were tough. They gave you tough love and didn't coddle you. Their toughnest and what XAP's W told me helped me realize how selfish I was being. Therapy did me wonders and helped me to see just how messed up I really was. I was a single attractive woman running after another woman's H. I was pitiful and needy. I have a great H and I have never been that needy with him. His love is a given and it is unconditional and it is much more than another woman's H can ever give me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 5:29pm
I feel the same way as you do why.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 6:45pm

Well Ms. Smiles...


I am M, so my 'free' time is going back to my H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:03am

Hi Julia,

I just read your post about what to do with the new empty space.
Yes, life seems empty and boring all of a sudden when the XAP is no longer there to spark up your day. I know what you are talking about, and I have been going through the same thing (still going through that!)

You will have to fill your day with other things. What I read here on this board a while ago , was : "What did you do BEFORE the A? How did you fill your day? What were the things you enjoyed doing?"
Maybe you can go back to a few of those things.

I think it has a lot to do with getting used to the new life. The Affair-free life. It IS different and yes, you will have to find a new routine. And I guess the new routine is not the same for everyone.

For me personally, I have to be at home all day because of a young child, and when he's taking a nap and when I am feeling very alone and bored, I watch programs that I recorded on the DVD recorder. I know, that's not very useful, but it helps me to get through my day.

And I am more on the internet. And my husband bought me a PSP, when one day I felt so alone and bored and I was crying, and he came up with the idea of buying a PSP. To be honest, I haven't played all that much on it yet, but just the thought that I can do that when I am feeling very very very bored, helps ;-)

And I buy magazines. And I go shopping online more.

I know, I know, my life sounds very boring and sometimes it makes me cry, but at least I know a few things that I can do when I am sitting here, pining away for XAP who was not even THAT special! :-)

Do you write books? Make music yourself? Those are nice hobbies :-)

Hugs
Htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:27pm

Julia,
Yah, this is a hard one when you're just coming off the drama of an A. Try to not think of the time as 'empty' time, rather think of it as FREE time. Two issues: when you're used to all the manic highs and lows and your body is in that super-pumped adrenaline state, it's difficult to s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n. - being 'calm' feels foreign and weird. Try to meditate, using positive affirmations, get into a clam, zen-y place and just breathe. Get comfy with calm. You can do it. Other issue: sometimes when one is depressed, bummed out, sad, it's really, really hard to get motivated to do _anything_. During the first months of my NC, advice to me such as, "work out! get a hobby! work on your book!" sounded like "Climb Mt. Everest, Recreate the Universe, cure cancer!"; it was all just too overwhelming. Everything seems blah and boring. It's normal, I think. Just keep in mind that it is temporary and don't feel bad if you're in that state right now. Stay positive and gentle with yourself and take babysteps to find an activity that pleases you - be creative in your choices (like buy a welder and make some hubcap sculptures for the yard!) ha.

Love yourself.
Dee