New but far away

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
New but far away
4
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 5:54am

Hi everyone.


I just came across this message board on a search and felt really calm when I came across so many women/men going through the same thing.


I'm away across the world from you all but I love the advice you're all giving.


I'm on one day (YES ONE DAY) NC from XAP (trying to get the hang of abbreviations).


6mth affair - only married 8mths - exap left

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: pikulou
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 8:24am

Welcome to our community, Pikulou. It's early morning her in Michigan so I'm guessing you are probably sleeping right now. ;-) I'm glad you found us because there is a wealth of information here, and the posters are a great group of people who have all gone or are going through what you are dealing with right now. Be sure to thoroughly read the threads in the Healing Library.


As far as feelings for your H go, you have to remember that you have been emotionally involved with someone else which puts your poor H out to pasture in your heart and mind. Once you are further into your healing from this destructive detour you have taken, you will be able to look at H with new eyes. Remember, he has no idea that your heart has taken a vacation. It will be up to you to reach out to him again once you are feeling stronger. We get out of a relationship what we put into it...except when it comes to an A. Due to the limitations attached, affairs do not give us the freedom to really get to know the AP. You have only seen whatever your XAP has wanted you to see.


It will take time and distance from XAP to clear your head of the cobwebs your A has created. We are not ourselves while having one, and once they end, we are out of sorts with ourselves. Just know that you are no longer alone, and we will all be here to help you through the next few months or however long it takes for you to start feeling like yourself again. An A is not the road to take when we are not satisfied with our primary relationship. Communication and therapy would have been

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: pikulou
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 9:35am
Pikulou,
I am over a year out of my A (affair). It took me many, many months, probably 6, to begin to "see" my H (husband) again. Like my moniker says, "actingasif" is what I had to do. I basically just went through the motions and acted as though I was still attracted to him, still loved him. We never had a dday, but he definitely suspected that something was up. I couldn't stand the way he overly doted on me, which is ironic because years ago I would've loved him doting on me. Slowly but surely as the fog from the A lifted I began to have those loving feelings for my H again. I think it's important to put the work in to distance yourself from the A first. Take care of you first. Then you can deal with your M (marriage). It takes time Pikulou, but it does happen. I honestly didn't think I could ever have feelings for H again, but I do! And my M is better than ever.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Love, AAI
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 10:31am

Wow... thank you so much actingasif. I wish I had have come across this circle of people long before now.


I'm actually in Ireland. But that distance doesn't make a difference when you're all going through the same thing.


Your honest advice, and details of what you went through gives me hope and every time I feel a need to contact I'll log on and talk to you all.


I'm so glad your m is even better. This gives me a lot of inspiration. Esp as I'm only in the early stages of marriage.


Thank you so much.


PikuLou xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
In reply to: pikulou
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 10:35am

Hello Cl-iddy - thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me especially as I'm in the depths of weakness (a place I've been many times before). Your board is really encouraging and I think this will definitely get me through this.


The A was superficial - feelings were strong but I'm trying to look at it as it was... two messed up people searching for something in the wrong place. Two people got hurt. I am being strong and will use this board as a tonic and a road to recovery and hopefully help other people too.


You seem like a bunch of lovely people and I'm glad I've come across you all. No doubt my emotions will change over this period - I'm expecting anger to show its face very soon.


Thanks again and all enjoy Independence Day.


Love from Ireland


PikuLou x