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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
New to here
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Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:08pm

Hi. I am currently in the early stages of NC period after having a 5 month affair with an old friend after he contacted me on a social networking site. It started off as a very intense emotional affair, mainly phone calls and texting were involved as I got caught very early on by a friend. I told my husband and although he was shocked we decided to try harder at working out why I did this.

I continued though to be in contact with XAP, although we tried many times to break contact and after a few months something led to me moving out of the family home and the affair became physical. My husband is now aware of this and despite it, still wants our marriage to work. We have been married 17 years. He has been incredibly patient and is even being supportive knowing I am currently grieving over another man.

The decision to end the affair was mine and it was amicable. My xap and I had already decided we were not going to be physical again (whether we would have stuck to it, I will never know) but he was hoping we could stay friends. I told him due to him having a family, this could not be possible as I would never allow myself to meet his family after what we have done, even though no one knows from his side about the affair.

We went a week with no contact and I broke it yesterday. In some ways I feel it has brought a bit of closure as we both got to say things that we had felt over the past week but both of us agree this is it - no more contact, ever.

So, like many of the ladies on here whose stories I have read, I am now facing the pain that he can no longer exist for me. And it is gut wrenching. I am also having to deal with the fact I walked out on my family, my three beautiful children who struggle to understand why their Mum has changed, the disappointment from family and friends (although I have so much support despite me shutting them all out over the past 5 months) and the regret and shame of what I have done. I know the worst is to come for me pain wise and I really want this to be over, so here I am hoping that through joining here I can find the support needed to move on and begin healing. Thanks for reading.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:34pm

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Have you figured out if you want to work things out with your husband and make it work in the long term?

cammie905_sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:35pm
Dear RTMO, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling, and I'm glad that you found us. We welcome you with open arms and look forward to offering you the support you need to "move on and begin healing".

Ending an A hurts, there's no doubt about it, but the pain of ending now is less than the pain of carrying on and potentially destroying two innocent families. Your three children need you, and they need you to be strong for them.

My xAP wanted to "be friends" too and I think that every single person in this board will tell you that that simply cannot work. Once that line has been crossed, once you have betrayed yourselves and your families, there is no going back. All you can do is promise yourself that you will create some new and healthy boundaries for yourself so that you will never destroy another friendship for such shallow feelgoods again.

You've done the right thing by making it clear to xAP that there will be no more contact. Now you need to put some protections in place to make sure that you maintain NC. Have you deleted his contact details? Barred his number on your phone? Removed him from any social networking sites? Blocked his email address? Discarded all old messages from him?

You can do this and we will be with you every step of the way. Welcome to freedom!

Hugs and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:40pm
Hi Cammie - welcome to EAS :) When you're ready, you might like to post your story in a new thread so we can welcome you properly and offer you any support you may need.

Big hugs

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:45pm

Have you considered doing some therapy? Sometimes it is really good to talk with someone impartial to get to the root of what is going on with you. I have always found it helpful. There is no need to lie or cover anything up and there is no judgement. Worth every penny in my books.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 6:56pm
I'm new here as well and when I ended my affair with OM the first time, we fooled ourselves into thinking we could be friends as well.. I now know that that is the farthest thing from the truth.. There were way too many emotions involved with my AP to ever be just friends.. My OM and I may have ended the physical part of our affair but we were still carrying on with an EA all those months while we were lying to ourselves about being just friends.

I'm on Day 3 of no contact and now know how a drug addict feels when they are withdrawing from their DOC.. However I have slept better in the last three nights then I have in a whole year because I'm no longer lying or sneaking around my DH's back..

As for the pain. I'm dealing with it one day at a time and so should you.. Be kind to yourself and most importantly work on forgiving yourself.. I know that right now that's all I can do.. I'm not a religious person by any means but I've given this over to my higher power because right now my life is unmanageable and he is the one that can walk me through this..

(((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 7:08pm
Single in Toronto, your advice about therapy is a great suggestion. By the way, if you're still in an A with your guy, you're very welcome to read here and in our healing library but we try to encourage people not to post until they've commited to ending their A. Of course, if you have ended we would love to welcome you to our community. :)

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 8:27pm

Thankyou for the welcome and support. I have deleted all messages from him and cut all ties to contact that I can, unfortuantely his phone number is in my head but hopefully I will forget it in time.

I am not worried about him trying to contact me, in the past when we have tried to break contact, it has always been by me and he has always respected that. I was the one that always caved. He genuinely wants me to sort myself out and go back to my marriage so he won't do anything to jeopordise that. In some ways, despite him being easily drawn back in, I think this will be a relief for him as he was sick of the sneaking around and the lying too.

I am currently in therapy and she is great, very supportive and honest with me about where I am at. My biggest hurdle is my thought pattern. I go over conversations and think ' I should have said that", 'I hope he wasn't offended by that' and then want to text him to clarify what I meant. I know though that he is determined I stick to it this time and will not reply, not to hurt me but to help me break free as he knows I am more emotionally involved then he is.

I do want to work things out with my husband. He is a wonderful man who has not deserved what I have done to him. Apart from the initial anger he has shown only patience, love and compassion for me. He has read every book he can lay his hands on about affairs and is eager to make our marriage better then before. So I realise I don't have the right to be selfish anymore and that I owe it to him to do everything I can to break free of this. It is hard though when I can sometimes only feel my own pain and deliberately try to ignore his and my childrens, so as not to feel overwhelmed.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 10:07pm

Hi Ready,

Welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 5:38am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:24am
Ready - just ignore K's comment. He's not a member of EAS and that kind of judgement and criticism doesn't belong on our Board.

There are many women here who have successfully rebuilt their Ms after an A and it sounds as though you and your H are both committed to doing just that.

((Hugs))

Kat

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