New on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
New on here.
2
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:05am
I usually post on the My Affair Support, but after this morning I decided to come over here for advice. I have been M for 4 years and in an EMA for a little over 1 year with a MM. My H knows about my A and has all along.(It started out as a 3some) Anyways, I am so tired of feeling this way. My MM is very jealous and I guess what you would call controlling. He tells me what I should do, where I should go and so forth. For instance: he says that I am not aloud to talk to other guys in person, on the phone, on the computer.(Of course I am talking about guy friends) He says I am not supposed to go out with my girlfriends, that my place is at home with my H and children. He gets mad if I don't answer the phone if he calls, or if I have plans with other people, or if I don't call him all weekend. I just don't know why I have put up with this all along. I guess because I love him.(Never thought I would be one to make up excuses for a mans bad behavior) Like this morning for instance, he calls and starts quizing me about what I am doing. I just so happened to have been on the phone w/ a guy friend when he called. Well he starts getting all rude and made some comments that really hurt my feelings and offended me. Do any of you have any advice on how to walk away and not look back?(Which is exactly what I wish I could do) Not to mention that MM and his W are best friends with H and me. Any suggestions? Thanks for letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: shorty1522
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:55am
shorty~

Suggestions? YES...get into therapy, immediately! I'm not trying to imply something is wrong with you...but there is something VERY WRONG with this situation. Here's my take:

1). Initially you entered into a threesome---right there, there are some dynamics within the marriage that need to be addressed. I mean, I'm a pretty sexually open person..but threesomes, when MARRIED, are usually very, very destructive to those parties involved. Usually, but not always, they are serving mens sexual satisfaction....and women will usually go along with it,even if they are not completely comfortable with it. Did you initially WANT to do this or were you talked into it??? I believe that the issues need to be addressed---esp. since your h knows and is "ok" with it.

2.) MM is controlling and jealous. BIG RED FLAG, waving ALL OVER THE PLACE. He has NO RIGHT to question you, dictate to you and control your space and time. NO ONE has the right to do that, not even your spouse. Its sounds emotionally abusive, but lacking more information, its hard to tell.

3). Your tolerance of this behavior of MM makes me wonder if perhaps there might be bigger issues with you---self esteem? dysfunctional/alcoholic family? past sexual abuse? Just a few ideas. And honey, this is NOT love....love DOES NOT CONTROL in any way, shape or form.

My suggestion, again, would be to enter into individual therapy and begin to sort out just what is going on here.

big hugs! read and post often,if you can.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: shorty1522
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:27am
There is no easy way to "get away" from someone that you have feelings for. You have to recognize that nobody has a right to tell you what to do, especially not the MM! He's not even your husband, who is he decide who you can and can't talk to???? Be THANKFUL he's not your husband, I too see all sorts of "red flags" where this guy is concerned.

I'm curious about a couple of things though. You said your H knows about the affair. What does he think about it? And does the MM's wife know?

This is not a healthy situation. You deserve better, but only when YOU are ready will you see that. Good luck!