New here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
New here!
12
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 2:04pm

A very good friend referred me to this discussion board thinking that I would be able to relate to alot of the other posts. I have spent many hours reading the posts and feel comfortable enough now to say that I most certainly can relate. Some of the stories here are nearly identical to what I have been living for the past 4 months. I am new here and scared to death! I am a walking mess but I am going to share my story, hoping that I will gain your support to help me through this horrible time in my life.


Here it goes..... First, a little background to my life is that I went back to school and found a new job in Feb. 2009. My husband and I have been together for ten (10) years and married for five (5). From the time that I got my new job, my husband anticipated that I would cheat on him. I have a high level stress job and I dont deny that I have changed, but I was not cheating on him then. In Nov. 2009, I began a friendship with the xap. We work together, but not directly together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: u_me1120
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 2:46pm

Dear u_me,


I'd like to welcome you to endings and if you have already been reading the posts, I hope you have also read the Healing Library. There's a thread in there on D-Days you

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:17am

Hi U_Me-

Welcome to EAS. This board is a godsend. It has helped me more than I can express. I am 68 days out of my A today. Your A sounds similar to mine, and so many others... and I definitely know exactly how you are feeling. I too am married to a wonderful man. We had 3 DDays... I crushed him. He wanted to talk about it- he had to talk about it, because if we were going to work it out, he had to know he was not my 2nd choice. It was hard to talk about it at first... I had shut him out for so long. But, we started MC and really working on things. He forgave me and we put the past behind us (I too was harboring resentment for things I thought he had done to me). Now, being able to be fully transparent with my DH has led to an incredible level of intimacy. I will borrow words from "31 reasons to stop an affair," which I believe is available in the healing library.

"Intimacy is the ability to be totally transparent— to be known fully by another — it is about man and woman being able to fully share who they are— their positives as well as their negatives.

The intimacy of an affair is an “other’s validated intimacy.” As one begins to reveal themselves to another, they are rewarded by the other person revealing certain aspects of their life in return. They are validated for their attempts at intimacy, which results is a new-found feeling of closeness . Even as one shares the worse parts of him or herself, the other person generally will respond by validating them or by sharing the worse parts of who they are. In a relationship based on validation, partners feel it is safe to share what they think because they agree on almost all of the important issues and even if they can’t agree, they are at least able to come to a point where they can agree to disagree without much effort.

Outside of a marriage, it is easier to embrace differences. Once we cross into a marital relationship, there is a paradigm shift. Now, instead of two individuals searching for the ways their differences complement one another, they feel the pressure to become one. Most married people begin to define the quality of their relationship with their ability to be on the same page and to be who their mate needs them to be. When there is a difference, it creates tension and pushes them apart. It is in this paradigm that intimacy takes an interesting twist, for instead of creating closeness and validation, it now creates short-term instability. Each time someone reveals who they are, if it is different than their mate believes them to be, it creates a tension. Each time they disagree on an important issue, they are threatened and afraid they will never have life the way they wanted it to be. Inside marriage, intimacy becomes self-validated, and it takes integrity and personal strength to share fully who you are; to be authentic even when the other may not approve.

Paradoxically, intimacy in marriage generally does not create immediate closeness. However, in the long run, it can lead to growth, maturity, love, true intimacy, and a strong connection. Intimacy in the marriage differs from that in an affair. Validated intimacy is easy and carries little risk, but intimacy in a marriage requires integrity, while providing the soil for personal and marital growth. Marriage becomes the place where a person develops character and personal strength. The intimacy of an affair isn’t intimacy; it’s just the longings of two individuals caught up in romanticism and infatuation. True intimacy can never be experienced until the paradigm of two being one is set in place by a marriage; then, and only then, can a person begin experiencing true intimacy."

By sharing my indiscretions with my H; by bearing my soul to him and sharing my deepest secrets and regrets, I am fully exposed and vulnerable. He loves me anyway. By admitting his weaknesses and being honest at every juncture, he is trusting me to care of for him and grow with him. I love him more for this. This is true intimacy. The validation and ego stroking that occurred within the A, is not real intimacy.

I am not an advocate of A's. Mine nearly destroyed me and the person I love most dearly (my DH). I am not justifying my actions; however, having trudged through the muck and the mire and emerging on the other side, I’ve gained a new appreciation for the mature love I have within my M. I am sorry for the way it had to be discovered, but I am so grateful to have discovered it.

I hope you can find the strength to give your H what he needs to move on from this... with you.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 2:20pm

I find so much comfort in reading these posts. I can relate in some small way to everyone's situation. Thank you for the words, I appreciate them.


On the 2nd D-day, my husband was only going to give me one week to find a counselor and get to the root of our problems, and for me to give him a reason to change his mind and NOT divorce me. Well, I somehow convinced him that one week was not going to be enough time, so he gave me a month. It was 3 weeks ago last Sunday and my A has been the ONLY thing that we discuss when we are alone. He starts texting me in the morning and doesnt stop until I get home from work about the A. When I get home, that is ALL we discuss, and when we lay down at night... it is what we fight about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:07pm
breathe..... I am sending you cyber hugs. Have you discussed with your H why you had the A? Especially having 2 D-Days. That must be so hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:56pm

So here’s the thing. In everyone’s mind there is an image of what an affair is like. Everyone envisions the romanticism, but not the pain. That is what drew us all in. Two d-days are tough on a spouse and I can tell you from experience that fully understanding his pain (which I’m sure comes out in the form of anger or aggravation) is tough considering the pain you are feeling. I’m betting that your H wants to feel like he envisions you made your XAP feel. This is based on how he assumes an affair would feel on its best days.

The good news is that you are talking about the situation and this gives you an opportunity to talk about the good things. I’m sure you know that the good things are hard to find sometimes when you are feeling so much emotion about ending the A, but you find them because you have people to support you and remind you that you are going to get through this. Try and help your H find the good things in the past 3 weeks. They may be small, but I’m sure they exist for him just like they do for you. Tell him how hard it is for you to fix the trust you have broken and tell him how important it is for you to mend the M. Talking about the things you are doing to rebuild the M will help him refocus. It will be important for him to hear that you have ceased all contact with your XAP and his W. Validate him and tell him that you are going to get through this together. Tell him that you understand that it will take time for him to heal and that you would like the opportunity to help him trust you again. Care for him because he is wounded. If you can temporarily redirect his focus from the pain, I bet he’ll give you another month and another month is four more weeks to keep moving forward. His pain will probably return and you’ll have to do this again, but repetition is how you are going to rebuild the trust and you want every chance you can get.

We are all on your bench. He needs to hear that you are on his.

You are going to get through this. I know you will.

LM3

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 7:32am
I never responded to her text messages and so she sends me another one last night wanting to know why I am mad and accusing me of wishing her and xap would get a divorce. Now, she has posted mean things on facebook. I am torn on what to do. I want to get on with my life, but at this point nobody knows at my work of this A happening again the 2nd time (they all found out the first time that we were sending text messages). I work at "gossip central" and if she keeps posting things, sooner or later, the people at my work will find out. I am not certain that I can survive that happening
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 10:19am

NC with both of them is the right choice. There is nothing you can do about how she expresses her pain. Plus if you attempt to control or steer the lies, you will continue to entangle yourself in them. You have to let them lie where they may and walk away completely hands free.

Your co-workers may find out about the truth, but the emotions will be harder to deal with if they find out the A continued AND you fail at controlling their reality.

Focus on your internal strength and let RL happen. You were tough enough to tell your H, come here and start this change in your life. So you are tough enough to weather through this step.

You can do it. You will make it.

LM3

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 10:38am
Block !! don't respond to anything.
Close your FB account. Yes, close it.
Live your real life. Hold your head up and let your actions and behavior be who you are, not some postings on FB.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 11:08am

Hi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 1:24pm
Thank you all for the words of support, I am so happy that I can have a place to release my thoughts and feelings and not feel like I am being judged.

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