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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
New here!
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Mon, 04-05-2010 - 2:04pm

A very good friend referred me to this discussion board thinking that I would be able to relate to alot of the other posts. I have spent many hours reading the posts and feel comfortable enough now to say that I most certainly can relate. Some of the stories here are nearly identical to what I have been living for the past 4 months. I am new here and scared to death! I am a walking mess but I am going to share my story, hoping that I will gain your support to help me through this horrible time in my life.


Here it goes..... First, a little background to my life is that I went back to school and found a new job in Feb. 2009. My husband and I have been together for ten (10) years and married for five (5). From the time that I got my new job, my husband anticipated that I would cheat on him. I have a high level stress job and I dont deny that I have changed, but I was not cheating on him then. In Nov. 2009, I began a friendship with the xap. We work together, but not directly together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 6:31pm

Great exchanges here..

A few thoughts on your husband's reaction, word and actions.. as everyone agrees, he's hurt, a lot. But, past this hurt, you need to understand, even after you do what you think is right and what others have recommended here, it may not be enough.. nothing may be enough.. you may not want to hear this now, but there is a reason i want to bring this up.. he may have already left you emotionally and mentally and is just exacting his revenge in this timeframe, day by day.. is he actually doing this? you know the answer best, i am just going by the feeling i am getting from your posts.. i've known many men to be very vengeful when confronted with the reality of being cheated, much more forcefully than if they were ever the ones who wandered.. it is hard to imagine, but it happens..

And the reason i want to bring this up is that i don't want you to think that you failed him and yourself in this post-A phase.. yes, you made HUGE mistakes.. and still carry emotional scars.. but, you are where you are now and want to move on, yet, he seems to be focused on hurting you emotionally.. whether this is because he wants to be even with you and then he can move on with you, or that, he already wrote you off and is just getting even, you need to assess that.. and it is important to understand where he is at.. if at all possible..

do not blame yourself now for his actions.. do what you think is right and keep on doing that, so that you would not second guess yourself down the line about your post-A attitude.. as for where he is, only he can control that, you can't.. you really can't..

i agree with the others that the xAP and the wife are off limits.. both, esp the wife, seems to be intent on causing you harm, and you need not have any of that in your life now.. just erase them and move one. whatever may or may not happen at work and social circles are blow-back, and you deal with that, but never with these two characters.. they really do intend to harm you..

best of luck.. it will get better.. but not for a long, long while.. i am sorry to say..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2010
In reply to: u_me1120
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 7:02pm

Its funny you posted this nevereasy because I was just talking to my H on the phone and he asked me if I have heard from xap's W. I hesitate to even tell him because he gets so upset and things meltdown and we are back to square one (not saying that we have left square one). I spoke the truth and told him of the messages that she has been leaving me. What I found to be kinda strange is that he was perfectly calm. He even said that it was scaring him because he has now become so calm about everything. Silly me thought it was because we were starting to move past things, but he informed me that he was just getting to the point he doesnt care anymore.


I called for marriage counseling today. We will have to drive an hour away for an appt.

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