Hang in there. If you can continue with NC, it will get better. My xap was also single. I also still loved my H and had no intention of leaving him. After the third try with NC it finally stuck. It wasn't until I made that commitment to not break the NC by using the 48 hour rule (thanks Jane!) This is when I began to heal. It was really hard for a while. I became very depressed, cried all the time. Each time I would feel down, I would call my H (no dday) and just talk with him. I tried to stay very busy by making myself totally available to my family and friends, which I hadn't done in over a year. Re-commit yourself to your RL and marriage. We will all be here for you. AAI
Welcome to the board, Mom, and because you are new I will be gentle in this post. Yes, you are addicted to the feel goods and ego boosts of having some single stud fawn all over you. He has been more than patient and generous, but he has always been peeing all over your M, and this is not what an honorable man does. (Ooops, I need to chill for a minute.......) ;-)
Welcome to our board. I don't have much time at the moment, but I did want to say that I hope you'll stick around and work hard to uncover your personal motivations for engaging in an affair.
It is scary and shameful to discover that what we once thought/felt was true love, was really a fantasy built on the active performance of 'selves' that never existed in reality. We are not real in an affair - we do & say, or don't do & don't say things that we would NEVER do in any other healthy relationship because all that matters is that the AP will keep coming back to US to get their un-met needs met. In affairs we all assume we are the key to the other person's happiness ... once the affair ends we come to realize we were the problem and NOT the solution. It feels awful (as in shameful) for me to admit out loud, but I watched my xAP lose his capacity to cope with the affair - he was starting to self-destruct (further) with substance abuse, but instead of ending it immediately, I was more concerned about him noticing his problematic behaviour and putting the pieces together. How sick is that.
You see - on some level, we depend on one another being unwell, because surely a well person would not end up in an affair. No one would settle for crumbs, nor expect someone else to stay perpetually starved.
I believe many of us knew on some level that our xAPs were not okay, but we selfishly continued to use them, and them us.
*excluding serial cheaters!
Affairs do not enrich our lives, but they do point out the GLARING inadequacies of our current modes of dealing with adult discontent rooted often in unresolved issues.
I hope you'll take this opportunity to read as much as you can, and that confusion (that we call fog) will pass at the rate to which you WORK toward insight into yourself.
My best,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." — Maya Angelou
Gret post....you are growing and it is in each one of your posts. I love to see the newbies pay it forward, this community is special, and its because of people like you that come and stay and help.
Welcome, and the 48 hour rule is something Jane came up with. It means when something happens either we get an urge to break NC, or we get an email, text, vm, then as a general rule we do nothing for 48 hours. We do not respond. We do nothing, usually once 48 hours pass we no longer have that urge to break NC or respond to a fishing attempt. Jane's moniker is the Thesecretlifeofjane. She is the person who came up with the idea and we have kind of followed it around here.
NC means forever....if you feel you might break it, you come here and vent to us. The 48 hours helps you work thru your urge to break NC....it does not mean that after 48 hours that breaking NC is ok. Its a way we buy ourselves time to sort out what may be really difficult. Its a way to not react to impulse. Its a way to teach ourselves self control. Hope that helps.
Jane, you might want to write a thread in the healing library about your rule?? You are best writer and we could direct people to it in the future??
Pages
AAI
Stay strong, and don't contact him!
Welcome to the board, Mom, and because you are new I will be gentle in this post. Yes, you are addicted to the feel goods and ego boosts of having some single stud fawn all over you. He has been more than patient and generous, but he has always been peeing all over your M, and this is not what an honorable man does. (Ooops, I need to chill for a minute.......) ;-)
Okay, with that said, I know you are hurting even
~Iddy~
Mom,
Welcome to our board. I don't have much time at the moment, but I did want to say that I hope you'll stick around and work hard to uncover your personal motivations for engaging in an affair.
It is scary and shameful to discover that what we once thought/felt was true love, was really a fantasy built on the active performance of 'selves' that never existed in reality. We are not real in an affair - we do & say, or don't do & don't say things that we would NEVER do in any other healthy relationship because all that matters is that the AP will keep coming back to US to get their un-met needs met. In affairs we all assume we are the key to the other person's happiness ... once the affair ends we come to realize we were the problem and NOT the solution. It feels awful (as in shameful) for me to admit out loud, but I watched my xAP lose his capacity to cope with the affair - he was starting to self-destruct (further) with substance abuse, but instead of ending it immediately, I was more concerned about him noticing his problematic behaviour and putting the pieces together. How sick is that.
You see - on some level, we depend on one another being unwell, because surely a well person would not end up in an affair. No one would settle for crumbs, nor expect someone else to stay perpetually starved.
I believe many of us knew on some level that our xAPs were not okay, but we selfishly continued to use them, and them us.
*excluding serial cheaters!
Affairs do not enrich our lives, but they do point out the GLARING inadequacies of our current modes of dealing with adult discontent rooted often in unresolved issues.
I hope you'll take this opportunity to read as much as you can, and that confusion (that we call fog) will pass at the rate to which you WORK toward insight into yourself.
My best,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 8/10/2010 6:36 pm ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Gret post....you are growing and it is in each one of your posts. I love to see the newbies pay it forward, this community is special, and its because of people like you that come and stay and help.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
MOM,
Welcome, and the 48 hour rule is something Jane came up with. It means when something happens either we get an urge to break NC, or we get an email, text, vm, then as a general rule we do nothing for 48 hours. We do not respond. We do nothing, usually once 48 hours pass we no longer have that urge to break NC or respond to a fishing attempt. Jane's moniker is the Thesecretlifeofjane. She is the person who came up with the idea and we have kind of followed it around here.
NC means forever....if you feel you might break it, you come here and vent to us. The 48 hours helps you work thru your urge to break NC....it does not mean that after 48 hours that breaking NC is ok. Its a way we buy ourselves time to sort out what may be really difficult. Its a way to not react to impulse. Its a way to teach ourselves self control. Hope that helps.
Jane, you might want to write a thread in the healing library about your rule?? You are best writer and we could direct people to it in the future??
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Pages