New here and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
New here and confused
45
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 4:33pm

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 5:00pm

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 5:33pm

I am sitting here weeping - however, I am sorry to say that it's not for the hurt you are feeling. Your message triggered me. If I was to imagine the inside voices of most of our xAPs they would have sounded a lot like the post you just posted. It rings on YOUR part of total entitlement, self-delusion, and callous disregard for his feelings/wants & needs.

Here read it again for yourself ...

***

This morning, I caved in and texted him, saying "So this is it?"

***(he was respecting NO CONTACT - YOU DID NOT)

He responded right away and said, "You know this is not what I want. I love you"

***(HE HAS TOLD YOU WHAT HE WANTED)

So we texted back and forth (I did not say I love you too), and he told me to go over to his place at my lunch hour (he lives 10 minutes away from my work) so I did.

***(WHAT WERE YOU HOPING TO ACCOMPLISH?)

We sat for 50 minutes and held hands and had a long conversation.

Basically, we talked about us, about how he is miserable that I am not leaving my marriage for him (even after only 10 months, he just doesn't understand why I will not just leave).

***(HMMMM I wonder if this is because of your crazy making game of cat and mouse you are playing)

He is also hurt that he spends all his days waiting on me (he's single), and that he deserves more time, attention, someone by his side,etc, which he is right.

***(But YOU don't seem to back this up with your actions)

I told him that I am already giving him all the time that I can. We see each other 5 days a week on my lunch for an hour, 5 days a week after work for 30 minutes (I tell H that there is a lot of traffic when I leave work) sometimes I take a day off, usually once a month, and we spend the whole day together.

***(WOW - that IS enough to give someone - or rather he is a nice top off to your life)

So he calculated and came up with a percentage of 5% that he gets of me during the whole week. With this percentage, he calculated that even my dog gets 20%. So he came to the conclusion that he is worth less than my dog for me, making me feel like I was doing something wrong, that I wasn disappointing him, that I wasn't doing enough for him, etc.

***(YOU ARE DOING LOTS WRONG!)

Then my lunch hour was up and I left.

****(I remember this too - me feeling all open and vulnerable, but when he had to leave, well he had to leave - nice)

I called him when I got to work and asked him, because we left each other without coming to an agreement, about what's it gonna be. (

****Coming to an agreement?! Seriously?)

He said, "You know what I want from you. I'll be a great dad to your kids and a great husband to you. Just leave him and I will take care of you" bla bla bla.

And I told him that I'm not ready to leave the M yet. I'm not ready to destroy 11 years of my M for a 10 month A. That he had to stick around more if he wanted me to make a decision in the future. He wanted to know a time frame. In a year, 2 years, 3 years. I told him I can't give him a time frame because I can't lie and come up with a date that I don't know about.

****(I can't even describe what this section made me feel about your thinking - you asked him to stick around? Omg - my xAP asked the same of me, just like others' on this board - you can't imagine how worthless this makes someone feel)

Then he says that he needs the following if I want him to stay under these circumstances :

- Affection galore the whole 5% of the time that he is getting me. I have to constantly be all over him (talk about ego boost for him!!)

***(Ya, what an ego boost! - he should be soaring so high after you paying him all that attention for 5% of your life)

- Sex at least 3 times a week

- He needs to make no change to his lifestyle : he is still gonna sit home and wait for me to call/text him or show up. And get frustrated by his fate because it's the weekend and I cannot constantly get in touch with him. Then come Monday (and every single Monday!), I have to pick him back up and put him back on his feet, being extremely affectionate at the same time because that's what he needs and because that's what I'm doing to him.

***(YUP - he is being clear about what HE needs - remember, real relationships aren't all about you - oh, right, but this is an affair)


So I asked him, "Let's say I do accept your offer of being overly affectionate, and having sex with you all that you want. Are you still gonna be depressed and on the edge on Mondays because you spent the whole weekend by yourself?".

At first he said, "Well, I will not make an effort because it will come naturally. Because if you give me all that I mentioned, then I will look forward for more on Monday and not get frustrated on the weekend".

Then I asked him again what is the effort that HE is gonna make if I'm changing all that, he says he doesn't need to make any. Then he says, "It's worth giving it a try no? Otherwise the only other option can be splitting".

The splitting that he is talking about is, we do not see each other, we do not talk to each other, we do not write to each other. He continues his life on standby but with more freedom, and I get rid of my M in the meantime, as fast as I can. And when I'm not with H anymore, I will contact him and we will can be together.

To that, I said no. If I can't get rid of my M with him around, I will never get rid of my M without him around.

Also, if he cannot wait for me with me being around, then he will never wait for me without me being around! Right?

****(WHAT ARE YOU DOING?)

Then I had enough and I was frustrated with his demands.

****(SURE YOU WERE - typical for the affair partner who isn't getting their wants satisfied)

I'm extremely frustrated now about all the conditions that he was trying to put. What is this? Sex 3 times a week. What if it's 4 times a week that I want? So to that he responded, anything more than 3 is welcome. WTF??

***(You're frustrated?- I ask you - wtf?)

Then he is willing to wait for me, without seeing me or talking to me, but he is not willing to wait for me WITH me?? What's up with that?

What a jerk!!!!!

*** (self-reflection please)

It's over over over!!!! I have enough! (I REALLY hope it is --- for you, and also for him)

You have a lot of reflecting to do --- we offered our insights, poured our time & energy into assisting you to understand the principles of NC and you disregarded it all. I am sorry that you have so much hurt happening for you. I fear that it is only the beginning. I hope in time you can move past your fogged in thinking and take responsibility for this affair. I have no doubt that had he agreed to YOUR demands, you would still be in the affair at this very moment. But because HE wasn't settling for YOUR crumbs, YOU are pouting.

TU.

*edited for ease of reading.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/12/2010 5:56 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 5:49pm

TU - THANK YOU for your post to Mom G.

Mom G - I had a very hard time with your post because I am S and XAP is M. So I actually identified with your XAP in this case. You said that you don't want to leave your H, so please don't contact him again and work on yourself.

I know I am to blame for accepting crumbs for as long as I did, but it was also incredibly selfish for my XAP, being married, to string along a single girl like me years and years and years.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 5:58pm

TU-
OMgosh. I got weepy, too! I kept thinking, "this poor, poor man! I hope he come to EAS for some support soon!" And that is NOT a snarky or snide remark made for effect; I really, really feel heartbroken for this guy.

Mom,
I may have read your post wrong, but I doubt it. You'd still be in this A if only AP would let you wipe your feet all over him just a little bit more. I really hope that you will look at how you've treated this person, how you've treated your H and you'll proceed with this ending with a new perspective of humility and contrition.

I don't know what else to say. The board today has worn me out.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:07pm

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:19pm

To me support comes in many different forms and fashions. I don't judge you, but I do judge your actions. We all judge one anothers' actions, or else we would be continuing to engage in "supporting" the delusion behaviour of fellow posters. I won't collude with you - and I won't say that what you did today was acceptable. How you treated him was not okay. You do need support - and if you have come to "know" me at all - you will know that I am fierce supporter of any and all that come here to this board wanting to end their affairs. Yourself included.

"Your post makes me want to call him up and apologize to him for not considering his feelings before breaking up."

My post doesn't make you want to do anything - if you choose to break NC yet again, disregard his feelings again, I am sorry, but you will have to own that too.

And you're right, I was hurt the way you hurt your xAP - many of us were ...

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:23pm

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:37pm

Mom,

It was not a moment of weakness - this was an entire day of connecting with him to see if he would agree with your conditions.

***

This morning, I caved in and texted him, saying "So this is it?"

So we texted back and forth (I did not say I love you too), and he told me to go over to his place at my lunch hour (he lives 10 minutes away from my work) so I did.

We sat for 50 minutes and held hands and had a long conversation.

I called him when I got to work and asked him, because we left each other without coming to an agreement, about what's it gonna be.

***

When he didn't agree to crumbs, you became heartbroken & frustrated with him. You have to see the moments where you had opportunities to make different choices. We don't just slip into our affairs, or into breaking NC ... we create the conditions that make it all possible.

We all understand weak moments. Most of us here have broken NC. When we come back to this board to post, we are accountable for our actions and we take the tough love as the awful tasting, but necessary medicine that helps us move through the hurt with dignity and accountability. I commend you for your courage in posting your post; however, now is where you will be asked to speak, and be accountable to your thought process. Our best thinking got us into our affairs, it would benefit you to trust the thinking of those further out from you, or else it will be a longer, more painful road than necessary.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/12/2010 6:39 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:51pm

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:57pm

Mom,

You have been so selfish, so long. As I read thru the conversation that you had...I kept thinking how ridiculous it was. Seriously. I felt for him...not like the others but I am astonished to even hear that you two would even have a conversation like that...that much detail

It all could have been avoided if you had not broken contact. You speak in your post of your pain, did ya think about his...his requests were ridiculous...but he has nothing, while you have it all. Then you leave and then you call him again, what was the point of that?

Him...he is so caught up in you...we all can relate to him, yeah its harder to relate to you...but some on the board can, but few would agree with your behavior today. LEAVE HIM ALONE. If you ever even cared about this man, let him go. You are so spoiled. You are a cake eater and you still wanted to eat cake and the last piece was taken from right under your nose and you are hurt and mad? Come on MOM...if that is not a display of the actions of a child who just lost their candy, what does?

Please think of someone other than yourself and let em go.

I hope you stay and listen. And learn. I would like the time and effort that so many had put in this very thread was not in vain.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida