New here and in a fragile state
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| Wed, 01-05-2005 - 9:28pm |
I am in a very fragile state and apprehensive about posting here because everyone here seems so much further along than me Or has left their MM/OM and not the ones who were left. A little background. Both MM and I are married. We dated before met our spouses. We always remained friends. Been in an A for over 2 years. Last night we had an argument (sort of a reoccurring one) and MM ended things. I was blown away as I did not see it coming. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to me today. So I emailed him in the morning and then again this afternoon. Finally he emailed me back and said he hadn't changed his mind and would prefer us not to speak for a bit. He emailed me again and said he didn't think this was the time to speak or email and to please respect that. I proceeded to email like 4 more times (b/c I was freaking out). I called twice and text messaged like 4 times. Finally he emailed and said please no more emails. I am absolutely CRUSHED! First I can only imagine what he thinks about me. I am sure he thinks I am a nut which rips me a part. It is killing me thinking he thinks less of me. I also don't know how to even begin to feel better. AND after all of his cold remarks and in my opinion, unfair treatment I can't even say I don't still want him!! I have erased all his text messages and emails. I just don;t know how to get through this.
I know staying busy is important but I have a young child at home and my H travels a lot so I am alone a lot. I have lots of friends but none who know about this. I really am struggling with getting through tonight. Never mind a whole day tomorrow.
Cap

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Cap,
You're not alone. My xOM broke things off w/ me too. My situation is a bit different though. I am married, he is single. We met, became friends, then became more - all in a matter of weeks. After a month, he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me (something he had never felt w/ anyone before). I needed time - I loved him, but this relationship turned into so much more than I could have imagined. Anyway, after 4 months, he broke it off. He said he was tired of sneaking around, tired of not being able to tell people he was dating someone (let alone in love w/them), tired of me going home to my H while he went home alone, tired of lying in bed wondering if I was having sex w/H. I was pretty devestated. I too, called 100 times, emailed 100 times. I didn't understand and I wanted answers. Most of all, I just wanted him to change his mind. Later (after a month or so) I felt like an idiot - knowing he probably thought I was some nutty, clingy, pysco little girl!
It was awful at first, some days, it still is. But this board has been a savior to me. NC truly is the only way to get over it. Post here often and read posts from others. It truly helps!
Luv,
Diva
Thanks Diva-
I just don't know how to do the NC. It is really killing me right now to not email him now!! How do you do the NC?? I can't imagine goign thru the whoel day tomorwo without the contacting him!
Welcome, Cap.
We're all pretty fragile here, either all of the time or often or some of the time. And some of us are still hurting pretty bad. Some are farther along, and they stick around to make sure they don't slip and/or to help the ones who are not so far along. This is a great place because all of us here are really good women (and a few good men also, believe it or not), and we're willing to help. And it's a 'safe place.' You don't have to worry that one of us will spread your secret around your friends and family -- because we don't even know your real name and, most importantly, we all know we're in no position to throw stones.
The pain is terrible. The first time XMM and I broke up -- two years ago -- I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die and I found my way, somehow, to this board. Then he called -- and I was back in the A. Now, after two more years of a lot of good times and a lot of pain, I called it off right before THanksgiving. And it is over. I've been saying goodbye to him for two years. But it still hurts. Just not like what you're going through. I've been there tho' -- and I remember VERY well.
What bothers me about your post is that you say you are "in a very fragile state." You need to realize that what happened is like a death and that you are mourning the loss of a relationship. It sounds as though XMM was your best friend -- and now he's gone. I don't think there's anything worse, except losing a child. So if you think you shouldn't be in as much pain as you are -- yes, you should. It's quite normal. And, in time, it will slowly but surely start to get better.
Do you work outside the home? That can be a life-saver (unless we work with HIM).
No matter what, you shouldn't be alone a lot -- with or without your daughter. You say you have a lot of friends. How about for a while you invite one over for dinner and a video? You may not feel like it -- but you seem to want to be alone either, and I don't blame you. You could do this every other night. End the evening early -- and cry yourself to sleep. Because you are going to NEED to cry -- A LOT. If you're still crying a lot after a month, see your doctor; you may need a little medication to get you over this initial bad spot.
I really didn't think I wanted to go on without XMM. I wasn't sure I could go on without XMM. But after two years of 'on again/off again' -- and more tears than I care to remember -- it was over for me. I am grateful he was in my life -- and I'm grateful he's not anymore.
We all go through what you are going through. You are not alone. You can come here. Sometimes there are members on even in the middle of the night.
But, please, don't spend a lot of time alone right now. It's not a healthy thing to do.
Let us know how we can help you.
Della Terra
Thank you Della
I know being alone isn't great. It is just hard for my friends to get here especailly with the weather as it is here. I am so worried I will be stuck in my house tomorrow due to snow and just freak out. That is what I did today. That is what I contacted MM so much! It is driving me crazy wondering what he is thinking about me right now. I know Friday night my H will be home so I will have to concnetrate on that. But I feel like even the next 48 hours are going to be impossible. And the thought that each day I have to get up and feel this way is killing me. That is why I feel weak..like being with him as to be better than crying everyday.
I don't even know how to go to bed tonight.
Cap,
I won't lie to you - NC is HARD. Even excrutiating at times. But you CAN do it! I remember the days when I thought I couldn't make it 1 hour w/o talking to him - let alone 1 day. But it gets easier. It has been 3 weeks for me today. Before that I made it almost 4 (2 days short). And honestly, I feel ok. Yes, there are still times I want to call him (hence my hiccup 3 weeks ago when I did), but for the most part, the feeling eventually fades and times continues on.
What helped me w/ NC was starting a journal. Everytime I wanted to contact xOM, I would stop what I was doing and start writing my feelings down in my journal. No matter how irrational or crazy my feelings sounded on paper, it felt really good to get them out. Once I found this board, I started posting here. I have even made a few email buddies here who have been super supportive. Feel free to email me anytime!
Diva
<<>>
You just have to go to bed...lay there and stare at the ceiling...cry...and go to sleep.
I'd tell you to read..and fall asleep...but you will just get pissed off that you have to keep re-reading the same paragraphs over and over because you cannot concentrate. Cleaning something that's really dirty in your house helps. You have to do something to keep you from thinking about him...even though you will think about him as soon as you're done with any distraction you can think of. It will be this way for a while...but you need to think about how it makes you feel to keep calling and emailing him...and get MAD that you keep doing it...when you are getting nothing in return from him. Ask yourself where YOU went. You cannot change his behavior...you can only change how you choose to deal with it. There are bad days...and there will be days of clarity. Start with some goals...like not contacting him for 1 whole day...see how you feel...then try to go for 2.
It's been 1 month and 2 days since my xmm ended things. Only now am I starting to see things for what they are. It takes time...and no contact. You can't get better if you're wondering what he's thinking...I still wonder every day...but I don't tell him.
You have to find pieces of your dignity where you can...and it will come back.
Sorry to ramble...the NC is so hard...but I have some good days now that I know would not have been possible had I still been in contact with him. Good luck
Cap,
There's not a person who reads this board that doesn't know how you feel right now. We've all been there and although some of us might be further along than others, the pain of the break up, whether initiated by you or the MM, still hurts....and I personally believe it will always hurt to some extent, especially if you weren't expecting it. It happened to me too, and the gut wrenching feeling of emptiness and dispair was horrible. They say time heals all wounds, and as trite as that may sound right now, it is true, but the length of time really depends on you. It is easy to let this pain consume you; I know I did and there were times I didn't think I could make it through the day, much less the night, but I did, and you will too.
My H works nights, so I'm alone most evenings and actually being alone was a good thing for me. I'd get into the shower and cry my eyes out and scream and do whatever it took to get through that night. Sometimes I felt so drained I didn't think I would make it to the next day, but I did. There is something so liberating when you can just scream your heart out and know no one will hear, at least not under running water.
I won't lie to you and tell you this will be easy. I read somewhere that the person who initiates the breakup was probably planning it for some time, so he was already comfortable with the decision, which might be why he could easily shut you down like he did. For the person who is unaware, well it can be devestating, but you have a child to care for and right now maybe that should be your priority. It will help to ease the pain if you can keep yourself busy not thinking solely of the MM, as difficult as that may seem to you right now.
If you want your M to work, this breakup was inevitable. I know after it happened to me, a few months down the road I actually thought of it as a good thing. Without meaning to, my MM pushed me closer to my H. He forced me to see that the A was a no win situation for both of us and when he left me like he did, I began to see how very fortunate I was to still have my M and my H. The guilt will always be with me, but at least I avoided unnecessary pain to my H and if you still love your H, then this ending is a good thing. Walk away with your dignity. DO NOT CONTACT him. As difficult as that may be right now, it is really the only way to survive. You will hear those words again and again. It has been a year for me and I would be lying if I said I'm home free. It still hurts, but not as much as a year ago.
Good Luck,
g
Thank you everyone! I can't believe how upset I am. I just never thought he'd shut me out. He has always been receptive to me no matter what. His cold attitude is really freakign me out. I am so upset thinking he is thinking badly about me.
last night I wrote out this little paper with every hour of the day on it and I am crossing out each hour as it passes. How pathetic but I have to get through today and not call!
I will try to stay as busy as I can despite the weather and my H being away!
Hiya Bri,
<<>>
I'm wondering how many hours of the day would you normally have spent talking to exOMM? A phone call? A text? A half dozen phone calls/texts? A couple of emails? If you add it all up, would this actually be about one hour our of your whole day? Two maybe with a couple of longish calls?
I only ask because I'm thinking that for most of us, the vast majority of our days are spent in No Contact even when we're in full blown affair mode.
It's a perspective thang... ;)
Keeping yourself busy is the key. Grab that daughter of yours and GO somewhere. A park? The mall? Have an adventure, just the two of you. And leave the cell phone at home!
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Posie
I almost emailed you!
Yu are so right. Under normal conditions, one day isn't a big deal. That is why I hate this. To MM one day isn't anything. Especially when he has the crazy chick emailing and calling him . But I have always operated by lists/schedules..planbooks, to do lists. So right now whatever works!!
I am taking my DD out for as long as I can before she needs her nap.
Thanks
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