New here and glad to be here
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| Sun, 02-28-2010 - 7:35pm |
I am new to this board. I have been lurking in a dazed and confused state over the past several days. I have gained an enormous amount of strength by just reading and realizing that I am not alone. When I discovered this board, I had been NC for 3 days and was wondering where I would get strength to continue.
My xap is a childhood friend. We have known each other for over 28 years. We started off as friends in middle school. His family moved away before high school, and then we ended up re-establishing our friendship in college. He was more like a brother than anything else. When he decided to pledge a fraternity, I took him to get his physical. We even gave each other relationship advice. Several years after college, we ended up both living in the same city. I was one of the first people to meet the person that he ended up marrying. Eventually, time, miles, marriage and kids separated us, but we remained friends, and would always pick up right where we left off whenever we reconnected.
About 18 months ago, we both ended up at our college homecoming. We had never even flirted with each other in the past, but because we were so genuinely happy to see each other, we kept the lines of communication open after homecoming through texting and phone calls. My DH knows him, so communicating with him was never an issue. Since we were communicating so often, we began sharing personal information about our marriages, children, dreams, desires etc... Next thing we knew, we were entertaining the idea of an out of town rendezvous. We agreed that no matter what, we would not allow whatever was happening between us to impact our friendship. We continued to talk several times per day, and meeting every 6 weeks. He became my vacation. He was the break that allowed me to take a breather from my stressful job, 4 kids and DH with a stressful job.
At the end of 2009, I was sitting alone on a beach when I came to the realization that nothing good could come of our A. The bad part about it is that I have an amazing DH. Never in a million years would I ever choose my xap over my DH, but he was my hiatus from everyday life, and I could share things with him that I never even shared with my girlfriends. I also found comfort in knowing that he had just as much steak in the game as I did. Twisted logic, but that is what kept me going. I started looking in the mirror and not liking who I had become. I realized that I was not only cheating my husband, but I was cheating my kids out of precious time that we should have been spending together. I would allow myself to be late for meetings when he called me at work. I would even sneak to other areas of the house to talk to him late night. I did not know how I was going to end it, but I knew that eventually we would need to let go or we would both end up losing everything, and for us to be together was never a valid option for me.
Last weekend, I was with xap heading to the airport. Just as we were pulling up, he looked at me and said that he needed space. Admittedly, I was shocked and surprised at the timing, but I remained silent. The next day, I received a text from him explaining that he was beginning to feel obligated and no longer feeling free in our relationship. My only response had been "I understand". I had not heard from him again until yesterday. I glanced at his two messages, immediately sent them to the trash, sat myself down at the computer and read messages in the Healing Library.
I am so appreciative to have people to share with. I find it easy to let go of the A, but hard to let go of the day to day routine of talking to him. The A was so not worth it, but there is no undoing what we have done.
Thank you for being here.

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Hi Bravebird,
Welcome to the boards.
Hi Brave,
Welcome to EAS. The boards are generally slow over the weekend so you may not get a lot of replies. Things generally pick up during the week. I can think of one story that is similar to yours and that is Bandk73. You might try the advanced search button near the top right side of the main EAS page to read some of her older posts where she goes into detail about her A.
It’s good you’ve been reading especially in the Healing Library. Have you read “The Stages of Grief” in the Healing Library? Prepare for some pretty heavy emotions to hit. Not only are you losing an AP you are losing a long time friend. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Reading about As and ending and going NC.
It would be helpful to figure out why you picked this form of escape and what lead you down the A dark alley. Are you in T (therapy)?
Big hugs to you,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Welcome,
Good to have you. Sounds like you are taking all the steps you can in the right direction. You are off to a good, strong start. Please post as needed and know that you are not alone. We are great fun bunch and despite all our pain, we even laugh around here quite a bit.
The road is tough but worth all your efforts....
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
First of all, love the name. I'm glad you're here; I think you'll be able to bring a lot to the board. For such a new newbie, you seem to be well on your way and that is so nice to hear. I know you're in a lot of pain, but you also seem to emanate a lot of strength. Welcome and I hope you'll post more soon.
Best wishes,
Dee
brave,
welcome. i am glad you are here, too. your post resonates with intelligence and strength. this group is comprised of an amazing bunch of women. you will fit right in.
lillie
Hi Bravebird-
You already speak with so much resolve. So many of us here can relate to the hole left in our lives when the constant communication suddenly stops. It took me several weeks to adjust. I found myself still checking my phone even though I had deleted the account that xAP used to contact me. Old habits die hard I suppose. My xAP was my friend first (it's so often how it starts), but admittedly not such a long time friend as yours. Keep strong. You will make it day by day. You are already off to such a strong start. Focus that energy back to your DH- that is what has saved me these past 4 weeks. I am 32 days NC today and I still have moments, but it is getting easier and easier.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Welcome, Brave, to endings. I see that I am a little late chiming in and owe thanks to the other gals for reaching out to you before I could get here. I'm one of those early to bed, early to rise people, so I missed your post last night.
You seem to have a good handle on what needs to be done, but that does not take away the pain and void that will be felt in the weeks ahead. That's what we are here for...to help you get past this rough patch and slowly work your way back to life pre A with
~Iddy~
bravebird,
I read your post late last night, but was not able to respond because of privacy issues. I am so glad you found us. You have received some great advice from the other posters. I can't offer much more. But I can say I understand your feelings. We all can, this board has been a lifesaver for me and many more.
When "we" have an affair with someone from our past, it is as if we are trying to reconnect with them and finish history. It most certainly was that way for me, but you said you were always just good friends with your xAP. I used that "unfinished history" as a crutch and allowed myself to go back to an old college sweetheart. I wish I would have left it all alone, but I didn't. I was/am 1000 miles from my xAP, so we only saw each other about every 6 weeks for 3 years.
Ladies, thank you for the warm welcome. To read that the addiction is not about the person but more about the routine and the habits that were developed, hit me like a ton of bricks. No doubt there is love in my heart for my xap, but not real love, nor a love that was ever capable of growing. If I can only get my heart to catch up with my head I would be good to go.
I have sooo much work to do. I know the road will not be easy, but the good news for me is that I am not alone. I am determined to get stronger each day. I will get back to being the woman that I am capable of being.
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