New Here and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
New Here and need help
12
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 11:21am
Hello..

I'm new here and I was on another board but think that it's getting to be the time that I switch over to this one.

I have been in an EMA for over a year now and I think I need to end it. I am feeling more and more disatisfied with what I have and truly don't know how to escape this nightmare I have myself caught up in. To say I am scared is a huge understatement. He has become my very best friend and I know if I lose the relationship I lose him. I lose the person who I truly trust with all my secrets. I don't know how to live without him as my friend. I know I can live without him as my lover as we don't get the chance to sleep together all that often so our A is built more on emotion than sex.

My Marriage is dull and unexciting. Actually that is a huge understatement. I don't love my husbnad the way I should and I think he loves me more for my abilty to know where everything is located rather than for ME. H knows I am unhappy and he thinks that trying harder and harder will fix this. I've thought long and hard about my marriage and wanting out and have come to the conclusion that my M is over becuase of H and I. This has nothing to do with MM. I also talked with a close girlfriend about this and she said that she thinks my marriage is ending for reasons other than my EMA.

I'm so lost scared and confused. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 4:38pm
Welcome Cinderella,

I'm glad you came here for support - many people here started out on that other board, but it seems eventually everyone ends up here, right?

You have obviously given all of this a lot of thought... both the affair and your marriage. What is the dissatisfaction in your A? Is your OM married or single, and does he also feel dissatisfied and want it to end? If you do end it, will you be able to keep away from him or is he someone you work with or otherwise see for other reasons that are hard to avoid? All of those answers will help you figure out how is best to end things... And you are so right that, sadly, the friendship will not survive - certainly not at all in its current form...

In what ways is your H trying? Is it at all possible that, once you end the A, you will find more of yourself to give to the marriage and try too? If NOT, that's ok too. Knowing if it's truly over, and not because of anything outside of the marriage like another man, is a big step. If it's truly over, then I suppose you do know the next step which is to start making it officially over...

So many people here have gone through similar things, and you will get great support and advice and yes, sometimes, you'll hear things you aren't ready to hear or don't want to hear... I also wonder if you are in or have considered therapy... If you've lurked, you'll notice I ask almost everyone that - it's my bias, I guess, but it has helped me a lot and MANY of the posters here are in or have been in therapy... this is such a difficult situation - especially when you are ending an affair and a marriage at the same time... you can't get too much help in this case, right?

Hugs, and glad to "meet" you

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 4:52pm
Hi there, I'm sorry that you are so sad, I certainly understand where you're coming from. It will be a difficult, yet necessary chapter in your life to end this. You're welcome here with arms wide open. (((BIG HUGS)))

One thing that has been said on this board that stuck with me was that one way or another, an A ALWAYS has to come to an end. Sometimes the end results in divorce, sometimes even a new marriage between the two invovled in the A, and sometimes in the break of all ties between the affair partners so a marriage/single person can heal. There are many variations, but the fact remains an A always comes to an end, somehow.

It can be scary to say goodbye to someone you not only love, but also someone close you share your everyday thoughts with. I know that I was afraid, and that particular friendship lost was likely the most devastating part of ending my EMA, and one of the few things over which I still grieve. You know what I ask myself when I grieve over that, though? I ask "Would I rather grieve now, or have kept A going and be grieving a year, maybe years, from now?" Obviously my emotions and heart would have been that much more involved, and it would have magnified my grief. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can heal.

A "Dull, unexciting marriage" is so often the scapegoat to end a marriage that is perfectly savable; I see that so often and it makes me sad. After years of marriage, it is common, if you're not careful, to start to take each other for granted. The excitement of a new relationship has worn off, and the hum-drum of everyday life and even children, if you have them, sets in. I can so relate to what you're saying, don't get me wrong. I feel the same exact way you do about not loving DH the way he should be loved. That romantic love has passed into just loving him for the man he is, at least for me. I still don't have all the puzzle pieces together of how to re-kindle a deeper, lasting romance with your DH, but I can tell you it's possible, I know of couples who have it. I am working on it, and have already felt sparks fly between DH and I since ending the A.

Still, you show really great insight to know that your marriage, saved or ended, has nothing to do with the MM, or the A. That is absolutely true! However, I am curious... Are you, at any point, planning to disclose the A to DH?

I noticed that you said that even the A has become unfulfilling, and I think that just goes to prove a very important point. It seems you are reaching out for fulfillment which, in all honesty, no man can ever provide.

Feeling lost, scared and confused can be compounded if you feel alienated; it's great you have a girlfriend to talk to! :) You always can come here for extra support, as well.

Don't hesitate to let me know, also, if I can help in any way. ;)

~Mel





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 6:56pm
Thank you for your replies. I don't have both posts in front of me so Im going to do my very best to reply from memory.

MM is fairly happy with things the way they are. He would like to be with me forever as well. Roght know we both know this isn't the time for things to progress to that next level. Im still in school and unemployed and as you always hear there are kids involved so again the timing isnt right. I find that I am more unhappy with the llttle things that shouldnt bother me more than I get upset about the big things. Its the simple things like email that bothers me but the big things like not being able to spend enough time together to make love isnt such a huge deal. He has said he cant give me what I need but he is referring to time where as I just want an email now and again.

As for my marriage. Well no I dont think that it can be saved..with or without MM. My marriage died a long time before my MM came into the picture. We just dont have any type of connection. We share our children and thats it. There is nothing else. He doesnt care about my schooling and truthfully he has no interestsfor me to show interest in.

I dont really want to tell H about the A...well maybe the A but not the who...He works with him and I think that would hurt him too much. I know that right now I'm probably hurting him as it is but I have tried many times to tell him this M is over but he thinks we can keep working at it. Lets give it 6 more months is his motto. Well 6 more months isnt going to make me love him.

I guess to some degree my A is becoming unfulfilling. He truly is my best friend and when you think your friend has no time for you that hurts. Im doing my best right now to not make him a priority and rush to his emails phone calls and whatnot.

Thanks for saying I can come here for help...I know Im going to need it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 8:09am
Hi again Cinderella,

I can understand how you get unhappy with the little things like wishing he'd send an email... the things you know are beyond your control in an affair (like having a lot of time for each other) I think you somehow accept... but when something is missing that would be possible, that is harder... It doesn't sound like there is great communication though, between you and the MM. That's ok - I'm not saying you should work on it!!!

I think you and your H need to have a serious talk... if you've told him you are unhappy and he just keeps saying "give it 6 months" - ask him what will change in 6 months? What does he think is going to be so different that you'll stay with him?

I wouldn't necessarily advise telling your H about the affair... especially because, if you are going to leave him, it could end up being bad for you. I know it was wrong of you, but I just don't see how it could help anything for him to know that... You WILL hear other opinions on this topic, but I have my own strong opinion here, so I am going to state it.

Do you have a plan for ending the affair? Or did you already tell the OM that it's over?

Keep coming here... we'll help you...

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 9:56am
Glinda,

Im glad that I made sense when I said it was the little thigns that bother me. Not too many people would get that. The communication between MM and I is actually pretty good...hes just really busy.

My H thinks he can change to be what i want him to be. What he isnt understanding is that I dont want him to change. Hes a great guy...just not for me. No one should ever have to change for another and he isnt getting that message. I feel like Im banging into a wall.

I don't really have a plan to tell H about the A but if it ever came to light I would. Again just not with the who.

I haven't talked to MM abut any of this yet. I'm trying to decide what I need to do for me before I even try to think about him which probably sounds selfish but I think thats the only way I can do it correctly.

Thank you again for your response and your advice.

Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:53am
Cindy,

I don't post much, but I wanted to respond to your message since I am pretty much in the same situation as you. I have been in an A for about 1 1/2 years, and have tried 3 times to end it.

First, I want to say that I think you are absolutely right that the issues in your M probably have nothing to do with your A. It took me quite a bit of therapy to realize that. I fell into the trap of thinking that my marital issues were BECAUSE of my EMA, but my therapist made me realize that all the problems were there before the EMA. What the EMA did for me was to open my eyes to how things could be with the right person. And now, the way I see it, I have a new 'perspective' which is adding to the already major issues I've been having with H.

It sounds like things aren't all that great with MM either. I know he's busy, but I really believe that if they want to make time, they will. My MM calls me from airports, in between meetings, from his garage. He was actually calling so much that I had to tell him to stop-the EMA was consuming too much of me. So maybe you have a situation where your H isn't the right one for you, but neither is MM.

Breaking off the EMA is much much harder then I thought. We don't get much physical time together (long distance thing) so while we're apart, I convince myself that I can be strong. One day together pretty much erases 3 weeks of 'strong thinking' on my part. So I guess my advice for you is to be prepared. It has been so much more difficult for me then I thought it was going to be. And my MM sounds like yours-he would be very happy to continue the A forever. For him, it makes his M bearable. For me, it has been just the opposite.

Good luck, and please post back. I'm right there with you, maybe we can help each other!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 11:52am
Thank you so much for your post. You hit alot of nerves..dont get me wrong nothing you said was news to me but sometimes it just all clicks at once.

I am soo scared. I dont know how Im going to do this.


I would love to help you in any way you think I can


Thanks again for writing

Avatar for aimless02
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:38pm
Cindy,

You have friends who are here to hold your hand and help to soothe the ache in your heart. This is a decision only you can make and we'll be here for you to help you through whatever choice you make. *Hugs* You know we care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:44pm
Hi again... glad I could help in any way, it sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking. :) Sorry to hear your about your MM not spending time emailing like you hoped, it can be difficult to know what the other person is thinking if you don't hear from them as often as you'd like.

Sounds like you have a lot of decisions to make as far as the marriage is concerned. I'm sorry to hear that you and DH have no connection... it's sad, but it happens to the best of us. If you don't feel the marriage is worth saving, you might want to let DH in on that fact sooner than later. He obviously thinks you're staying because he still has a chance, (i.e. the "6 month" thing,) and it would save him the wasted effort to know. His knowledge of the real situation will also give him the transition time he needs, too. (Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind...)

I'm glad you know you can come here for help and support, we're here for you :)

(((HUGS)))

~Mel





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:46pm
Cin,

you know we are here for you when you need us. We'll be your listening ears. Hugs baby .....hooked

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