New here and need some help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
New here and need some help...
34
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:49am

Hi, I am new and I am not sure where to post my situation but this seems like a good place to start since I am really feeling so much better thanks to this board.

I ended a four month affair (only one month physical) 2 weeks ago, well I ended it during a texting conversation but tried to backpedal right away but he was done with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 9:12pm

Oh and i have no idea how to use this board, I reply and it posts it right under my old post??!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 9:59pm

And where is this "healing library"????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 10:13pm
Tuff, you're using the Board just right :) if you scroll up to the top of the page, there should be an "UP" button which takes you to the main EAS menu and from there you can select "Healing library" (or at least that's the way it works on my computer) It's full of fabulous resources and insights - I spent hours reading there in the first few weeks.

You feel like you lost something great because your body is addicted to the "feel goods" of the A and is craving another fix to ease the pain of withdrawal. Those feelings will pass, but I'm afraid there is no magic switch, you just need to be patient with yourself.

You already understand that no good can come from contacting his wife. It's not your place to contact her and is only likely to backfire and hurt you more than him. She will see his true colours one day, and when that happens you don't want to be the one caught in the crossfire. The best you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your family.

Big hugs

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 11:18pm
Thank you so much Kat :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 11:59pm

In reading through these boards and posts I see people on here that are struggling after 9 months, 18 months, 3 years... OMG!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 12:06am
You're welcome. Would be great to hear a bit more about you? How old are your kids? How has the A affected your marriage? What are some of the good things about being out of the A? (The stuff you don't miss - like never being able to let your phone out if your sight).

I'm coming up to 10 weeks NC on Monday and I cannot believe the difference EAS has made in my life. I'll never be the person I was before, but I think the new me is going to be better. :)

Let me know if you managed to find the Healing Library? Iddy and others will probably be able to give you better directions if mine didn't work. Look out for a post called "would you sign this?" which is one of my favourites.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 12:22am
You're not the only one who would love to be able to go back and have redo. I totally get that feeling. Unfortunately, there's no way to turn back time in an A. As Lolly says, once you've taken the vanilla milkshake friendship and whizzed it up with all sorts of unhealthy additions, there's no way to ever go back to vanilla friendship again. That milkshake has gone sour, and we've just gotta dump it and move on (and hopefully learn enough about ourselves in the process that we never make the same mistake again). Hang in there honey, and don't worry about next month or next year. Just focus on the things you can do right now to help your healing. You'll be amazed at how soon you'll start to see things differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 12:23am

Hi Kat, 10 weeks, wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 12:54am
Tuff, that's a great list, you should come back to it if you're ever tempted to contact him to remind yourself of all the reasons it had to end.

I've been M to a wonderful man for 12 years and we have three kids who were all under 5 when the A started. xAP is older, very confident, knows exactly what he wants, beautiful W and children, and a high profile job. He has had at least one other A and I'm sure there will be more. He lives in another city (my old home town), so most of our relationship involved texts and emails. I travel to his city for work a couple of times a month which was hard in those early weeks but gets a little easier each time I have to do it.

After our kids were born my self-confidence and sense of self took a dive, and I had started to lose my connection with my H. An A seemed like such a tempting fix for both problems, but really it just made them so much worse. Thanks to EAS I feel like I'm finally back on the right track, but still have a long way to go.

I have so much respect for the women here who work with their xAPs and manage to maintain LC. If you talk to women like Iddy and Never you'll see that it is possible, though you have to be constantly on guard.

Hope the rest of your day goes well. Another day closer to strength and serenity. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 1:47pm

TTBT,

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Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha