New here and need some help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
New here and need some help...
34
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:49am

Hi, I am new and I am not sure where to post my situation but this seems like a good place to start since I am really feeling so much better thanks to this board.

I ended a four month affair (only one month physical) 2 weeks ago, well I ended it during a texting conversation but tried to backpedal right away but he was done with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 5:36pm
Ouch! While you have good points I don't think this should be a place to judge. I have times that are harder than others and I believed this was a place where I could share non-judgmentally. I explained my situation, no need to point out being "dumped" or not or whether I want to recover from this or not or else I would not be here.

Your words were cruel.
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 7:11pm
Trying, i don't think Iddy was being cruel. The vets on this board have all been through what we are going through. They are here to tell us realistically what to expect and how to deal with the fallout. They are not here to coddle us or help us remain in a fantasyland. What you will get here is a reality check and some tough love. I have received some very harsh advice, as well. When we are so emotionally raw, it is easy to mistake their words for criticism and judgement. No one is here to judge you...only to make you look inward to determine how you got into this mess to begin with. I've only been on this board a short time, but I can tell you it has been a life saver for me. If it wasn't for the loving advice and support I read daily, I don't think I would be where I am today. I have a clear vision of where I need to go and a very specific set of directions on how to get there. Hang in there. It WILL get better. One step at a time, one day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 9:11pm
Honey, I was not judging you. Not at all. Perhaps I came on too strong being that you are a newbie, but when someone says they could easily be sucked back in after knowing what you know, I was stating my concern re. this line of thinking. As far as using the word "dumped," trust me when I say he did you a huge favor by ending it. I could have said "rejected" instead, yet I doubt that would have made you feel any better. There are no rules in affairs and either party can pull the plug at any given time.

I will also point out whatever I feel needs to be pointed out. Take or leave it, but the advice is given with sincere concern.




Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 9:29pm
Thanks, BC.

<<>>

It is great to read this. Being receptive to the advice/insights offered here is adamant to one's healing. We may not want to hear the truth at times, but it's very important to be open minded to the words written by those who have come before us. I know when I first arrived here, the harsh light of reality was quite blinding at times, but it was what I needed for eventually acquiring that "clear vision" that you speak of.
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 4:45pm
Hi Tuff, I'm just checking in to see how you're doing today? Let us know how you are if you have a chance.

With care and concern

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 10:59am
Kat, thank you for asking. I am doing better, the thong about time is it allows for clarity when you take a step back. I appreciate what I have; my husband & my kids but I do miss this other person who seemed to care about me but is now gone. Sure it was all lies but he is still gone. I am at the stage now where I feel stupid for falling for his lies but part of me still wants to bieve he cared a bit... Think that is my way of making sense of it because I do not understand why he hates me now. And working with him still SUCKS! what is that saying... Don't crap in your own sandbox...?? Very true lol! I made my bed though so I deserve this.

Being a "newbie" is hard but I think the "vets" need to remember how hard it is, I don't need to be smacked with the brutal truths of my situation, I am aware.

Thanks again Kat, wasn't sure if this board was for me or not but seeing your post helped, thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 11:12am
Tuff (your moniker makes me giggle - it reminds me of the football saying that says trying only gets you benched - the action word is DO lol) :) (sorry - my son played for years!)

I am sorry its' been hard to hear the tough stuff - ALL of us who are still here have been through it, and we DO remember it, which is why we continue the tradition of stating truths as newbies emerge from fog. Every person has these click moments when all of a sudden things make sense. And while we are still a bit in the fog - holding even the tiniest shred of hope - it is offensive. I promise it is NOT the way it is being written.

That being said - the feelings you have of "deserving' what you got and the grief you are experiencing from the lack of the other - these are PERFECTLY normal. Here's the thing - NO ONE deserves anything - (I have a whole philosophy about the word deserve but I'll save it for another day). He was with you, now he isn't and it feels like a death. I know - I've been through many deaths both literal and symbolic. There are normal stages of grief coming out of an A - and it's important that you recognize them as part of YOUR healing. Your hope that he cared even just a little bit shows us that you still have traces of fog, even tho the bulk of your life is based harshly in reality. This will pass. I promise. We all want that validation that we meant something, ANYTHING - that we WERE SPECIAL. But Tuff - you ARE Special - do you hear me? YOU ARE. YOU don't need him to point out the obvious good things about you that caught his attention in the first place.

This board is about being able to cast off the traces of fog and emerge with tools to combat those feelings of the 4A's (attention, acknowledgement, applause and approval) not just in relationships - but in all aspects of your life. It is about learning how to fill your OWN ego/emotional tanks that have been drained so dangerously low. We are here to introduce perspectives and methods that allow each of us to restore our own good feelings about ourselves, and then how to make choices that support our real wants.

I am so glad that you decided to stay, and I hope with time you will come to know the vets and tweens who have doled out some hard to swallow advice - and gain your own strength.
Much love to you,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 9:19pm

Tuff, I'm so pleased to hear that

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 10:38pm

Hi Kat,

When I ended it I hadn't really wanted to, so I guess Iddy was right - I was "dumped" because i was backed into a corner and was sick of the drama of the A so I said I was done even though I would have taken it back right away if I could have and I guess he called my bluff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 10:42pm

Thank you Lolly, your words were my strength today.