new here and need to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
new here and need to talk
6
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:48pm

Hi,

I've been involved in an EMA for 2 years and it is soon to come to an end. I am unhappily married, but for various reasons am still in my marriage. My OM is also married, but is not as unhappy as I am. We met at work and the attraction was instantaneous and incredibly strong. We talked a lot before we got physically involved and we were both very clear that there were no promises of a future together. It's been more than a "friends with benefits" situation, but not quite love. Anyway, he told me last week that he'll be leaving his job on or about April 1st when his contract expires, and thinks this is a good time to make a break. He doesn't live near me or close to work, and it would be hard, but not impossible, to see eachother.
I'm not angry or hurt, I'm just sad. I care a great deal about this man, and having him in my life has enabled me to stay in my marriage. He has been away all week, so we haven't talked about what kind of contact, if any, we will have after he leaves. I will miss talking to him as much, if not more, than any physical contact. Has anyone been in a situation like this where you've still been able to remain friends? The thought of not having him in my life at all leaves me feeling so empty.

Thanks for listening.
D

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 8:28am


I have ended my A and I am a lot better then I was and have maintained limited NC. In the very beginning we went 2 weeks without talking (this was from talking everyday). From then we have had a few emails and conversations. The conversations are short but they have allowed me to gradually ease MM out of my life instead of cold turkey. I started being able to feel better b/c I knew we'd talk again in a few days and I was determined to be happy with my life. I still do miss him but not the A. I dont have the need to talk to him everyday. I am not concerned about what he is thinking. So yes in my case it was done but I think it has to be about expectations. I dont want the A anymore so even though MM and I are in contact I am not trying to get him back. I am trying to do what is best for me so I can successfully end it. ANd for me that was what I needed to do. Mm and I were also friends for a long time before anything happened beteeen us so we had a long history that neither of us were keen on losing. But as someone mentioned I think I am a low percentile. You really have to know thag each conversation isnt leading anywhere. It is hard to keep straight sometimes. So I cant say I recommend it if you still want the A. And let me also ask why do you want to be friends?? That is a question to ask yourself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:55am

ajkgirl,
I have to concur with cap on this one, most will tell you its impossible to remain friends ansd that NC is the ONLY way, well for some that is not the case but as cap stated its a LOW percentage, I tried NC with XMM, this did not work each time it was for a little over 2 weeks then one of us would call, we WERE, ARE, and WILL ALWAYS be friends, at first it hurt a little bit, but I know I dod not want him out of my life completely, I just dont want the A anymore, while we dont email each other usually just a joke or two we do talk ont the phone 2 or 3 times a week this has slowed down from more then 10 times a day ( i have cell phone records with up to 16 calls in 1 day).If I had advice to give I would say take some time with NC an give your self the needed space to make sure you want ONLY friendship NOTHING more, then again as Cap has said an myself limit the contact, XMM and I live in the same small town an run in the same group of friends I have successfully managed to avoid *bumping into him an his wife* for just over a months now I do not want to see him, I do get the urge to call him EVERDAY still but i find something else to do, an I have noticed I dont care what he is doing every minute, and when mutual friends bring up him an his wife an how bad they fight or what ever I find another subject or something else I have to do any thing but listen, because frankly I dont care anymore, and when he an I talk its not about personal things so much any more . Botton line is this YOU can control only you and how YOU feel, and if you know what you want and you feel good about it then do it, if it makes you miserable CHANGE IT or dont do it.. but only YOU can decide.. Best of luck to you..

*KRM*

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:58am

KRM

Sounds like you and I are in a very similar place. Was good to read your story.

Take good care

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:05am

I concur with what everyone else has said. I, too, have limited contact with XMM, via an occassional online chat...short, friendly, and doing my best to avoid all conversations dealing with "us". I have broken all habits when it comes to him..the daily phone calls, the nightly chats, and the lunch dates, that were all a significant part of our A. Once those habits were broken, and as time passed, I felt less of a need to know what he was thinking, or doing, etc. Once you realize those things no longer matter, than keeping in touch on occassion as friends, shouldn't be a problem. But like others have said, if you have any desires still for him that you haven't really delt with effectively, and have mearly suppressed, that's not going to work.

For me, I realized that I cannot SEE him in person, but I CAN talk to him and still keep myself on track. I can do this because I really feel I've worked through the initial pain of losing the relationship. I'm not sure how long we will even continue this so-called friendship, because I can feel even that slipping away slowly. Cold turkey isn't for everyone, but distance is needed to gain perspective on the situation first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:52am

"Cold turkey isn't for everyone, but distance is needed to gain perspective on the situation first."

I agree!!! and I also agree that seeing in person takes thinsg to a different level as well and better to avoid that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:13pm

I know, you are all right. I have to be honest. If he was still going to be at work, I would not want the A to end. I truly do want the friendship to continue, but maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking it can. I guess we need to talk about things and see how it's going to be. The scariest part for me is that I feel I'm going to be left with nothing when he's gone. I don't hold out a lot of hope for my M. H has big issues that he needs to deal with and I'm not confident he will. I also have to face the fact that I'm responsible for my own happiness and I can't continue to blame H for all my problems. I've spent the last two years avoiding dealing with my M cause I was getting enough of the good stuff from the A. I know all this, but it still feels like crap.

Thanks to all who replied to me.

D