New here and really need some help
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 6:30pm |
I'm really struggling with this and have not told anyone. I hope someone can lend a word of advise....because I'm not dealing well with the truth.
In brief, I met a man on line five months ago. He lives in England. We are both married. My marriage has been over for nearly a decade. He said his wife had two affairs and stays because it's cheaper to stay for now. We talked every day on line for three months, he asked if he could call me on the phone, I agreed. It was truly wonderful having what I though was a kind man to chat with everyday and phone back and forth. One night while chatting on line, he said, "I have to tell you something and I hope you don't run away after I tell you this, but I have fallen in love with you. And while you may not feel the same way, in time, I hope you do." It was so lovely, and I was beginning to fall in love with him at that point. Last month he said on the phone, I would love to meet you darling because if this continues, I think we need to consider ending these unhappy marriages and marry. I was floored by this. I came to love him but wasn't ready to marry again. We set a date for him to come and visit. He arrived a week ago last Friday and stayed until Sunday night. I made a cover story about working during that time.
He wasn't as attractive as his photos, but it didn't matter because I came to love this man by now. We had dinner Friday night, had long talks, went back to his room and did a little old fashioned kissing and petting. It was just so wonderful. Saturday I picked him up for breakfast and sight seeing, went back to the hotel and made love. It was so glorious. We laid in each others arms and talked about the future, something he brought up, talked about what it was like growing up and all the funny stories that go with growing up. Napped, made love again, then went out for dinner. Sunday comes and he seemed a little strange, saying a couple of things I took the wrong way...I thought but let them go. We had breakfast, everything seemed fine. I took him to the airport, we hugged and kissed. He held me tight and whispered I love you so much, hate leaving you darling.
That was a week ago and I have heard nothing from him. I asked him to email me when he got home so I know he made it ok, but nothing. I have seen him on line and sent him an IM, but he doesn't answer. I have even called him, but I just get the voice mail.
I don't understand what happened, and at this point, I will never know. I'm just crushed beyond words. I told him before he came here to please be careful with my heart, it was fragile due to the horrible marriage I have been in. He promised he would "treat it as if it were my own". Words can't describe how I feel, no one knows about this so I can turn to no one. Why would a man fly from the UK just for sex? Certainly there must be women there willing to just have sex and disappear...looking for a one night stand. Why fly this far only to hurt me....knowing he could? It makes no sense.
Please if you can lend some words of advice or comfort I could really use them right now.

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I've been there (in more ways than one) and I know how yucky it feels.
In my opinion (and experience) of of two things have happened (or possibly even a combination of the two):
A). He's freaking out in a man sort of way. He came all the way to the US and slept with you and now he's feeling guilty for what he's done, or things are going down badly at home and he's keeping his distance. This often happens and many times they end up coming round again.
B). He flew all the way to the US to have sex with you and to play the game. It doesn't mean he didn't feel any of those things he said he did it just means that once he had the sex and the whole encounter was over, he had gotten what he came for (no pun intended!).
One additional thing to think of---how much about this man do you really know? How do you know that anything he has told you is true? When I read your story and he told you things about loving you and wanting to be with you and possibly leaving your marriages to be with each other I thought---what a load of BS. The usual stuff guys will say to get a woman into bed or to create a chase that becomes very exciting and titillating for them.
Honestly, I don't think you know enough about this man for any of us to say what happened and why he isn't responding. I know you fell hard and you're wishing it had gone differently, but you're going to need to let this one go.
Think about it---if he truly felt you were special and he wanted to change his life for a relationship like yours, then he wouldn't be ignoring your emails and IMs right off the bat---he would still be communicating with you...
Best of luck in repairing your sad heart.
Hurting No More
Hmmm...this is purely conjecture on my part but my guess is that after spending so much intense time together, he may have concluded that you are not all he thought you were, but he just didn't have the heart to tell you.
If this is the case, he has chosen to take the cowards' way out instead of leveling with you.
Chalk it up to another lesson learned in life....hey, you never know what the future might have been. He just may be doing you a huge favor. I know you are hurting but better to hurt now and get it over with than to hurt after investing years in another bad relationship.
I agree, hurting no more, if he did care he wouldn't be ignoring me. That much I know, and that is what hurts so badly.
When I opened up to him after a month of talking and he was getting romantic, I specifically said, "please don't say things you don't mean. I have have had a very difficult marriage," and went into detail, "it has taken me 10 years to piece my heart together...it is fragile. If I give it to you, please don't shatter it." Yet he did. HOW does someone do that just for sex? And why didn't he simply stay in the UK and find a woman who was more than happy to have a no strings one night stand with him. it make no sense to me.
How can anyone be so empty and cold.
You are right about better to find out now, cowgirlsup. While this hurts badly, I can only imagine what it would feel like in a year or two years.
What you said about not being what he thought I was struck a cord with me. He told me much about his wife, why I don't know, over the past few months. She sounds like a very passive woman. The way he described her I would say she was clingy and has an insecurity from childhood, which led her into the affair. My insurity due to the bad marriage and the damage it did to my self esteem lead me into the affair and "believing". More to the point, he clearly picked her because she is passive, he said something while here that I recall. He said, "You don't see failure as an option, do you?" I said no, "I maybe down but I won't stay there." If he likes a passive woman, that attitude isn't exactly passive.
Hi AE,
Human beings are capable of amazing acts of kindness, generosity and love and at the same time capable of deep deciept, being incredibly cruel and intentionally hurtful.
Would someone cross an ocean for sex? Yes. Does it make sense? Yes and No.
You are so isolated from him and his real life by being an ocean away, it is "safe" to have an affair with you. You can't exactly pop up at his house and tell his wife. Many men/women feel safer starting an extramarital affair with someone long distance (My affair was LD) since the chance of getting caught decreases with proximity.
Some men have an uncanny ability to tell you just what you want to hear. He pegged you as vulnerable and planned his attack almost perfectly saying all the right things and showing just the right amount of sensitivity and vulnerability.
AE, we all deserve love. If you are unhappy in your marriage, I would advise you to seek counseling/therapy with your husband and if it is an impossibility to rekindle that flame, then move on and find a single available man to give you the GENUINE love and affection you deserve.
Hugs to you, sweetie. I have been there and I think everyone here has in some way, shape or form.
Feel free to email me privately if you want to talk.
By the way, I don't think it was anything you did. I don't think this man changed his perceptions of you upon meeting you. I don't think he had any intentions other than what he has shown you. You are better than this, worth more than this, and you deserve to receive more.
Go get it, sweetie!!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
first mistake you made was not running like hell when someone you've not even met says they love you and want to marry you. (CRAZY!)
Ive had correspondence online with folks for 4 years...it took someone with common sense to make me realize...it aint REAL until its in REAL. Now I know TIME has to be taken and lived in real life for awhile for anyone to know someone..and even then we don't always "know" them.
(In my Opinion) This guy is a online/bf fantasizer. His fantasy bubble is busted. You probably are a TERRIFIC person. But reality smacked him in the face. Something happened when he got home. Or he gets off on the fantasy (wow but what an expensive one). I think however, something happened at home. How on earth did he explain his going to the US. Remember...he has a life at home that you know only what he tells you of. I feel certain that this guy had something happen when he got home to keep him from contacting you. (Think that way at least, so as to not further wreck your self-esteem).
It aint love when its online...at best its a close romantascized friendship. NEVER EVER tell someone you love them without meeting them AND spending loads of time with them...months and months at a time. Never...EVER..let someone do the same.
Sorry...I take those words very seriously and reserve them for something real. Affairs are not real everyday life.
The best we can do is not learn the lessons ...the hard way. I am sorry this happened to you. You trusted that someone took those words seriously. You cannot control other people, just yourself. Hold those words sacred. I am sorry that someone has made you learn not to trust so much again...but that will keep you a bit safer next time. I hate when someone takes that from me...but I have to take the lesson for what it is...swallow it and be better for it not bitter for it. Otherwise you'll go insane.
Good luck to you.
also...you mentioned that he made some out-of-character comments on the last day...
perhaps they were foreshadowing?
They might make things more clear to someone here...care to share? It seems nosey of me to ask...but it seems like you left out an important part <?>.
Not sure,
Lizzie