New here and thrilled I found it
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 11-11-2009 - 9:57pm |
Well, I am new here. I embarked on NC about 2 weeks ago and I failed today. My own stupidity but what came from it was clarity. I realized that it meant more to hear from my H than my xAP. WOW! Feels good to say that.
A little history...H started working a night job and basically began ignoring me and the kid. Drove me nuts because we have been inseparable most of our time together. We have known each other for 19 years but been married/dating for 9 years. It killed me. After 5 months of basically no contact at all with my H, I feel for the attention of someone I played an online game with. He was charming, funny, witty, attentive. He made me laugh and feel special. He too was involved not married though. He lived 800 miles away. Chatting online lead to emails which lead to texting which lead to talking on the phone. After 2 months of talking we decided to meet. Called for a girls weekend out of town. Met him, did the deed, and he got a phone call that called him away (family emergency). Now I see that as a sign. I came home. Confessed to my H the next night cause I couldn't take the guilt. He blew up of course. Started counseling. All was going well for a while and then one bad night and I was chatting with AP again. It went on for about 2 months texting and talking occasionally and then DDay. H came to work with text logs and WOW! It was bad. That night he left because I couldn't tell him anything. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to go but I didn't want to let go of AP either. The next night I asked H to come over and we talked. I told him I didn't have any answers but I missed him. We started working again. Then yesterday, stupid me, emailed xAP. Strangely though....he didn't make me feel good. he didn't make me feel special at all. I wanted my H. I wanted to be talking with my H not him! Strange feeling to me. It was like the xAP didn't have the hold on me like he used to. It felt good and made me love my H even more!!! kHe is back to working nights cause one of our big issues was I worked and he didn't. That made me very resentful and mad! He chilled at home while I worked all day. He now works his rear off and I miss him

Welcome to EAS.
A couple of things.
It takes two to five years for the betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity.
Yes we have been in counseling since June when
Hi Hope,
I agree with many points that E-double ohh six wrote.
<
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I am so very glad that you "get it" Hope, that is the only thing that will save your marriage.
I have loved the Healing Library. It has been a
You said: <>
I cut and pasted this from an old reply. If you want to read the full thread, here is the link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=27271.1&x=y
Hope, this was an AH HA moment for me. It made me see my xAP in a different light. It was one of the steps in dismantling the pedestal I put him on. IMHO I think it is extremely important to look at the “whys” . Most think oh I had some problems in my M so I wandered. Not necessarily so. Think about it. Many people have bad M’s and do not have affairs. Why you had and A and picked your xAP is very important in my opinion to figure out so you don’t go down the same path again.
As you know, stopping an A does not fix you M. It takes work and you and H are both doing that. But be careful, because if you think fixing the problems in your M alone will stop you from going down the same path later, you may be setting yourself up for a stumble.
Your reply tells it all. Look at how much you posted about your own introspect into the A compared to how much you posted about the communiction and work you and your H are doing and how he is dealing with the A. It looks like the later is getting a lot of work (which is very good) but the former is getting little work.
IC is a good place to safely explore why you chose the person you did to have an A with.
I wish you continued success in MC
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Loved that link!!! My mind is churning now!! :) You are right and maybe I am focusing too much on my M and not about what is going in me. I am going to IC next week. My husband went last week. Will definitely bring this up because a lot of it has been on how I can repair trust and work on M..maybe it is because it is too hard to look at me and easier to look at M as a whole. Of course both must be done. Both the M as a whole and me and H. Hope that makes sense. LOL
My mind is on fire thinking now. Will have to jot some stuff down so I don't forget it for counseling. Thank you for the insight!!!