New here and very sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
New here and very sad...
4
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:21am
Hi, I am glad I found this board. A little history, I am a 40 yr old single woman, was married 18yrs to highschool sweetheart and divorced 2 yrs ago. I met MM during the end of my divorce proceedings. He was my main support and was there for me when I grieved the end of my marraige, he spent the night with me the day of my official D. Mind you at this time I had no idea he was M. Long story short, it took me a year to find out he was M. But by then I had fallen in love with in. He professed his love and made promises he would leave. 3 times came and went and he was still there. This past Sat night we fought about him still being there.. I told him I would not wait any longer and I had accepted a date. He freaked, he called me horrible names and said I never loved him. The words hurt, and I became angry he would call me those names and also be mad I was going on a date..he had balls if you ask me. As if he had the "Rights" to me. I became so angry as the night went on and thought I would screw his life up as he had done mine.

I called his W and told her everything, she was not as upset as I thought she would be, she told me she knew, just didnt know my name. Actually very polite conversation. She decided to tell thier DS, thier DS is a 30yr old woman who is married herself, not a child.I saw MM tonight he told me it was my fault his DS was not talking to him..and said she hated him. (Most kids say that when mad at thier parents). He blames me, telling me this is why he wanted to handle things his way in his time. he told me we are over.

I dont get it.. I waited for him for 2 yrs. Accepted his lie and still stayed. Why does my heart feel so broken?

Lost soul

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:28pm
Revenge is bitter-sweet. His "Control" issues <<<>>turned into your losing "control." Two wrongs....make it WRONG! I'm sorry your tactics backfired in your face, but if there is anything left to salvage, let him be the one to say so. Most of the refuge is in his court. He has more to clean up than you do.

Just remember, you knew he was married and yet you overstepped your boundaries by pushing that "revenge" envelope. Innocent people were smeared because of it. Forgive yourself for this, but as far as hurting him....TOUGH! He's a jerk and has been jerking you along long enough.

Good luck,


Madam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:50pm

"Why does my heart feel so broken?"


Because your heart knows you were deceived and lied to by someone who had no intent on ever legitimizing the relationship with you......


You mentioned it took you almost a year to find out he was married. I think that really says what this man is/was about---deception and blaming others for his own messes.


Your heart will heal---find the strength within yourself to forgive yourself for the relationship and your part in it and move on.


You don't deserve to be treated as you are/were by ex-MM.......you don't deserve lies and deceit in order to have a relationship with anyone.


You deserve truth, respect and kindness......


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:50am
Thanks NRE I needed to hear that. But how do I start to stop hurting? I have so much aanger inside for MM. I dont want to become one of those wacky XoW you hear about on the news. Why? Why? Why? Was I that much of a fool to believe hin?

lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:37pm
You can prevent yourself from becoming the XoW, but it will be hard work. I've had to abide by my xMM's NC rule and it's been so hard. But I try and look at myself from his shoes and know that I don't want him to think I'm crazy either. That's what keeps me from emailing him all the time, or letting him know all of my feelings including the anger. If your A is truly over, get yourself some closure by sending him an email or letter, getting all of your feelings out. Do it in a calm and dignified way so that your message isn't "lost" on him. Make sure you write every single thing you want to say too, knowing that it might be your last contact. Then, if it's an email and he responds, there's no reason for you to read it. Delete it! Obviously he's angry at you, when he should be angry at himself. But he's proven to be a selfish liar...someone you don't need. So try and be strong girl, tell him what's up and then cut him out of your life. Of course that's always easier for someone to say, so I wish you good luck!