New Here - Comments welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
New Here - Comments welcome
4
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:25pm
I'm new to this board. Having read a few of the posts, I'm a little unsure of what the acronyms mean (such as NC, EMA, etc..) but I guess I'll catch on.

I'm 32 and recently ended an affair that ran for about a year. The man I was involved with has been contacting me via email and the occasional voicemail. I was replying to his notes, but for about 3 weeks now I have not contacted him in any way. His last email indicated he would like to get together for coffee and "talk, clear the air" etc. and that he wanted me to be honest with him. In the past, when I have agreed to meet and "talk" it usually ends up in a 2 hour confused discussion with me getting a bit frustrated.

This individual has been pressuring me to leave my husband for some time. (By the way, this was my 1st affair and his 2nd - He is also twice divorced). When I have seen him in the past few months, I must admit I am drawn to him. He definately had a kindness about him that I have not experienced with my husband or anyone else. In a way, I am afraid to make contact/see him again because of the attraction. I think I am on my way to healing myself and recovering from a difficult year (the year in which the affair occurred was hard on me - I felt guilty, confused, etc. Additionally, I am getting over a slight alcohol addiction.)

Is it worth it to meet with him to talk? Or should a phone call or voicemail suffice? I want to let him know I'm doing okay, but I don't want any set-backs on my recovery. Are there any other suggestions on methods of recovery/healing? I think this board is a good one ... because it sure is hard to leave a relationship behind.

Taniaml

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 1:50pm
First of all, welcome. Secondly, NC = no contact which it sounds like you are working at. EMA = extra marital affair. Just a few others are OM/OW = other man/other woman or MM/MW = married man/married woman.

I have to ask you. What about your marriage? Are you working at rebuilding it? As for the OM, he is continuing contact because he is trying to keep the affair alive. From the sound of your post, you need it to end. Have you explained that to this OM? Because the best way to heal from it is with no contact. But you should tell him if you haven't. It isn't right or fair to keep a person in the dark just because you don't know what you want to do with your life...meaning your marriage. It is best to resolve your marriage situation one way or the other before trying to begin a relationship with someone else. I'm sure the OM is aware of this so I would be really clear about what it is you do and don't want. Spell it out. By seeing him, he is going to know you are still interested. I think a phone call would be easier because you've already had some time to adjust to being apart. By seeing him again, you'll have to start all over.

JMHO

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:51pm
No contact means no contact...voicemails, emails, phone calls, notes, letters, accidentally bumping into them to get closure, healing, ideas, suggestions, conveying info is CONTACT.

The best way to get out of an affair is not START one..but if you are IN one..and affairs are always wrong..then you do NO contact:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 3:40pm
Welcome Taniaml!

I'm pretty new here myself, but my affair (EMA) ended in December, when I realized I couldn't handle being in it any longer, and I went back to work on my marriage (my H never knew about the affair)...

I think that if you don't have to see or have contact with the OM (other man), that is the easiest path to take. You are right that it could very likely set back your recovery if you meet with him - especially if it usually ends up in an emotionally draining conversation... This is an issue I am struggling with right now, but I won't go into that again here...

What is your marriage like? I know that, like you, while I was in the midst of my affair I was horribly guilty and confused and I got very depressed... And not all of that goes away just because you end it - it takes a lot of work to heal yourself afterwards. It also takes just as much work to heal your marriage OR to figure out what you want in your life if it's not to stay married right now... I hope you'll come back and tell us a little more about what you want, why you chose to stay in your marriage...

Good luck - this board is a great place to get support...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:04pm
If you ended your last email/telephone call to him 3 weeks ago by saying to him your affair is over, then I think you needn't have any further contact. You have made your choice to end your participation in the affair.

If you did not end your last email/telephone contact 3 weeks ago telling him the affair was over, I suggest you either send an email or make a SHORT telephone call letting him know the reason for no contact the past 3 weeks is because you've decided to end your participation and that you wish him well. And then hang up. No further contact is necessary.

While it is easier, as some have already posted, not to get involved in an affair in the first place, the fact of the matter is that you are already in one and ending it......

Good luck to you and your recovery. I hope you take time for yourself to think about why you entered your affair in the first place and address the issues that led to your participation as a means to not have another affair.

You deserve a whole life, not a hidden snippet of clandestine pleasure.

And no confession to hubby, either. No sense hurting him forever with old dead news. The affair is in the past. Leave it there and learn from it and move on.

JMHO,

cl-nre