New here & confused-Really need advice!
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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:31pm |
First, I want to say how glad I am to find this board. It is the answer to my prayers. I've found myself in a situation that I never expected to be in, and I'm totally unprepared to deal with it. I am so confused by the spectrum of feelings I am experiencing, and I feel like I'm not seeing anything clearly. I've finally come clean to a friend and a coworker, so that helped, but I really need the advice and support of people who are objective and have been through similar situations. So thank you SO MUCH in advance!!
I've been married for 2 years to a wonderful guy. When we got together and eventually got married, I was completely, head-over-heels for him and could never have imagined doing what I've done. But after a couple of years, I guess a little "itch" set in, and whether I realized it or not at the time, I missed that beginning-of-a-relationship feeling. I see that looking back, but I really don't think I understood that at the time. About 2 months ago, a guy I work with (not directly, but for the same ad agency) who I had always really liked and had a great casual relationship with started flirting with me through email. At first I thought nothing of it- we've always gotten along great and had fun together. We're both a little flirty by nature, so I didn't take him seriously. We are sooooo different (which is probably what attracted me to him) and his girlfriend and I could not be more opposite, so I really never thought someone like him would be interested in someone like me. I really admired him and looked up to him. Then the flirtatious emails started going back and forth between us MANY times a day. Then we started instant messaging. I was so flattered, and so intrigued. He wanted me to meet him so we could kiss, and for weeks I was strong and wouldn't. I was loving the attention and the fact that someone I liked and respected so much would take an interest in me. I liked how he made me feel, and I liked the intensity. We'd even IM before bed at night. I felt so alive, and so attracted. One morning, I gave in and met him in my office before work and we kissed. It was an amazing, intense, sweet kiss. That weekend, he emailed me saying how amazing it was and that as attracted as he was to me, he also really liked me and felt something special. I told him I was thinking about him way too much, and that we needed to stop. He was repectful, but I gave in and met him again. This time we made out at my house. Again it was amazing. Later that day, he emailed me saying it was too intense and we needed to stop, but it was fun while it lasted. I was so crushed! I cried all day, because I felt like he'd just cut me off after it had taken me so long to give in like I had. I was so devestated. He still emailed to check on me and we had some small talk, etc. but it was not the same. Then a week later, he emailed again. He was "finding it hard to stay away". He thought we obviously had some things to work out. We kissed again and started the emailing back up. One night, I went to his house and we did everything except actual sex. Then the next day we both decided we needed to cool off. We were both very concerned about ruining our home lives. Then a little while later, we started up again. But the emails were growing less personal and less frequent in between. I started wanting to talk about it all the time with him, and although he was always sweet, I could tell it was bothering him. I made it clear that even though I did not want to break up my marriage or his relationship, I was not interested in just being someone he calls for sex. He always assured me that we are friends first. We never actually had sex, but the kissing and everything else were so intense and incredible. Then I crossed a line. I was out with friends, had too many drinks, and called him. He was working a late night, so I called him at work. We'd never really been to the point where we called each other, and I know I probably put him in a bad situation. I just called to say hi, and I was very silly and pretty drunk. Big mistake. I knew I screwed up, and had to end things. I emailed him the next morning and apologized for the call, then told him that I needed to grow up and live in the real world now and not do the things I'd been doing, but that I really wanted to keep our friendship intact. He emailed back and said he thought it was strange that i called, but to "be good" and not obsess over it. There was a little more small talk, and that was it. He did come say hello to me and my coworkers one day, and sent a friendly "hi pal" email, but never touched on anything else. I know I can get a little crazy with "those talks" and have a tendency to freak out, but I really feel like things are hanging. I am SO confused!!! Some of the things that are bothering me are...
-I'm kind of angry. I feel like although I crossed a line with the call, if we actually were or are friends, that's pretty forgivable.
-Was there ever anything between us other than the physical relationship? He is really a cool and honest guy, but I feel like after the first part of our...whatever it was...he just maintained a friendly dialogue to get what he could from me.
-If that's what it was, why would he take a chance on someone he worked with, who is married, and he would have to see on a regular basis? He could find any girl at a bar if he just wanted sex.
-Am I stupid to still have feelings? I really thought we had connected, even if it was brief. Or I would never have betrayed my husband. I do miss him. As ridiculous as it will sound, after all of this, I still think he's an awesome guy.
-What do I do now? I hate the awkwardness, but last week for once, I didn't pour my feelings out to him or try to force him to talk about it. I wish I had closure, and it kills me that our last real interaction was a drunk, annoying phone call.
-I can't handle how I am angry, sad, hurt, guilty, and yet still very attracted to him. I was so addicted to that high, and I miss that very much. I just don't know how to sort things out.
-My husband knows him, but knows nothing of this. How do I move on without letting the guilt keep me from a complete relationship with my husband?
I am so torn up. I would really appreciate any advice you have for me. Thanks so much.
:(


You hit the nail on the head when you referred to being addicted to the "high." There was clearly a "thrill of the chase" aspect getting him high, and you were addicted to the attention. It really is a drug. (And you really shouldn't feel bad about supposedly "crossing a line" just by calling him! That's crazy, considering all the other lines you guys were crossing!!!!)
There is so much I could tell you, so much I have learned from being part of this board, and from the end of my own 5+ year full-blown A. I just don't know where to start. I think in many ways you are LUCKY -- lucky because it ended before things got even more intense between you, lucky because it ended before you did any serious damage to your marriage. As hard as it may seem right now, your best hope to move on and get over this is to have No Contact if at all possible; do not get sucked back in when he starts wanting to play that game again; and embrace your relationship with your H; try to look deeply into what void you need to fill so that this doesn't happen again. You are going to be so much better off if you can let it go. Don't go looking for "closure," it is really hard to come by! You will get that eventually on your own, from yourself!
I don't really know waht to say to you as it is true, those emails, icq, messenger are very addictive indeed and we get carried away and who doesn't like attention!! it's alwasy flattering. the thing is that you need to be in control! Yes it was only fun for him and exciting but the truth is that he would have only got vicious with time and more hurtful so stay tuned with your own emotions and dont' let it affecting you. and do not reply to any of his emails because it is clear that you care for that guy and he knows it. It is also true that you cannot ever be the same friends you were once. It doesn't work taht way, so be happy taht he has stopped contacting you. Plus the way you feel is simply a feeling of rejection. No one likes rejection and don't dwell on the passionate moments you shared, this is the past, you have, you say it yourself a wonderful H so mind him and try to find excitment in your life with him. I know when you are crushed, no matter how nice the ohter person is...it is difficult to give but be positive so you won't hurt him and you and your marriage.
I was too involved with someone for over a year and I ended the relationship because I knew he wasn't for me and at that moment he went back with his ex girlfriend. I felt betrayed and hurt and rejected and I started seeing him every so often even though he had now a new girlfriend. I just couldn't understand how could he changed his feelings so quickly. He had convinced me he didn't love her anymore and that he wanted to be with me always..blablabla but I knew in my heart that I had to end it so why did I get into being second best? Simple, I allowed it. we would meet up, get to bed, laugh share and He was now in power, in control of my feelings and he was enjoying it. later on we started to email and messenger and flirting was out of control...and while his life was not going to be with me but with his girlfriend I removed myself from teh messenger as it was too painful for me. It is just very recent you know, only since last Thrusday gone but he hasn't tried to contact me and asked me why had I vanished from messenger or anything at all...and last Sunday I saw him surfing with his girlfriend...outch...another blow in my face but the truth was right in front of me...it is tough..( I am not M) but the feelings are the same. I am not proud of myself but all I can do is move on as fast as possible because he ain't unhappy and thinking bout me...See, we have to take responsability of our actions. The only problem I have is htat I had unfortunately email him this morning for another matter and it really bugged me but I stayed polite and got the the facts without any smileys nor kisses etc...HE DID...but this is the way it is. He has no idea of the way I feel and my plans to remove myself completely...or I don't knwo really...what do you think?
Coming back to you. Stay in control and positive. At the end of the day it was just a fling, am sure you ahd that feeling in the past with previous boyfriend...the key is NC whatsoever. If he emails...dont' reply, you'll only be bitter anyway and you'll want explanations and really at this stage you don't need any he will only tell you what you want to hear and you want to be in control... and please, try not to get involved again with anyone, you are still newly married you should be enjoying it...
hope this help..
best of luck
Shakira
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and support. I have read them over and over again over the last couple of days, and they are a great reminder when I get weak. You are very wise, and it helps to know that there are so many women out there going through this. You're right...I am very lucky that this ended before it got worse. I need to be thankful of that and move on from here. (Easier said, than done, right?) I really empathize with ALL of you who are going through this and have been in very intense, full-blown affairs for a long time. As painful as my situation is, I cannot IMAGINE the range of feelings you are feeling. Please know that if there is ever anything I can do to help, or if you have any advice to share, I am always here. Thank you, Katie! And all of you who have posted!
thank you so much for your prayers!
NO CONTACT IS VERY TOUGH!!! I'm only on week 2 now, and I miss him very much. We weren't in love or anything like that, but you are right...affairs ARE very emotional. We were supposed to be friends with benefits...nothing more. No emotions. That just doesn't work for women, though! I began to overanalyze his emails, his behavior, etc. I wanted affirmation, and ended up with rejection. That never feels good, no matter what! Like my best friend told me, we don't realize what these affairs are doing to our hearts and heads, even if it is just sex. It's so emotionally unhealthy, and I am glad to be moving past it. Too much pain for a few selfish thrills!
Good luck to you, too....You're screen name says it all- it's time for ME to be real, too! :)