new here, desperate for some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
new here, desperate for some advice
3
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:35pm
I am new here, and I need some advice. Everyone seems to be so supportive and I hope to find some comfort here. This is long, so please bear with me.

I recently became involved with my son's baseball coach. We are both happily married, but there was an attraction there that we couldn't deny, but should have. Neither of us have any intentions of leaving our spouses, and we both made that clear from the beginning. I am happy in my marriage, so I don't know why I even did this. We slept together one time and talked on the phone all the time. We were planning on a second time (he now works out of town temporarily) and I was going to visit him and he was all for it. At the last minute he said that he couldn't because his wife and kids were coming to visit for the weekend. Of course I fell apart, but acted like I understood, even though I was dying inside. I don't know if it was true about his wife coming or if he was just using that as an excuse to get out of it. I did not intend to get emotionally involed and did not pursue him at first, it was mutual. I have talked to him one time since the night we were supposed to spend together and he totally blew me off. I have since tried to call him several times on his cell but he doesn't answer. I try to tell myself he just hasn't been available to talk but deep down I don't think that is the case. I need some closure, if he doesn't want to see or talk to me again, I just want him to tell me - I don't know why that is so hard to do, and when I call him that's all I want to know - if he wants me to stop calling I certainly will but I want to hear it from him before I can get over this. Should I just forget about him? Keep trying to call him and make a fool of myself if he doesn't want to talk to me? It hurts so bad, and I hate myself for feeling this way when I didn't intend to get emotionally involved. I just want to hear it from him that I must have been just a one time bang and he doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore and not just leave me hanging, but I don't want to seem like some crazy psycho bitch and harrass him. How am I going to get over these feelings if I don't have closure? I'm afraid the pain and confusion is going to kill me. I need some advice - keep calling and be devasted when I can't talk to him or just forget about him and chalk it up to a big, bad mistake? Why do men have to be like this?

Thanks in advance

H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:50pm
timandmattsmom

HI, My advice is to forget closure it almost never happens in affairs.

Blueeyedblonde posted today you should read it it will explain a lot about your cheating married man.

If you want him to come after you stop trying to contact him if he thinks your backing off he will move quickly to put a stop to you being the one ending it his ego will not go for that.

If you value your marriage and family you need to put an end to this NOW, many women seem to kid themselves in to thinking that the decision to stay married will be theres in the future but when you are discovered the likely hood is that your husband will do what most husbands of cheating wives do and that is head to a lawyer and file for divorce and refuse any attempt to reconcile.

I know this may sound heavy handed but it is early in the game for you and your already out of control and ready to jump at his command and hurting when he ignores you what will it be like in six months.

I suggest that you get into counceling to address the reasons you have done this before you end up paying a huge price and end up losing everything for nothing and affairs are nothing but a fantasy and a way of dealing with something that is not right with us.

Best of luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:25am
Dear Tim and Matt's mom,

I completely agree with the previous poster. Listen to her because she is very wise. I would like to add the following:

Affairs magically create this "Mistic" fog where one's common sense loses it's way. Disappears may be a more accurate word. Your thinking becomes distorted and before you know what hit you, you are spellbound. Once you sleep with the enemy, you have crossed the proverbial line. Getting back to your pre-affair life will take deep introspection and strength. Consider what this cad is doing as a blessing. He has obvioulsy come to HIS senses but as the story goes, leaves you in a "senseless" state. THEY DON"T CARE that you are hurting. Once you can understand this, you will be able to move out of this fog and reclaim your life. Do it now before you jeopardize the safety and security of two very important people in your life; Timmy and Matt.

Snap out of it sweetie. It will consume you and down the line you will have more pain and confusion that you ever thought possible now. With affairs, THERE IS NEVER CLOSURE." They are fantasies waiting to end. They dissapate as the fog clears and then the destruction it caused becomes visable. Get out now before there is more damage than just a bruised ego. And THEN, forgive yourself.

You'll be OK,

~True~

 

 

Avatar for mama_mia123
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 7:24pm
Hi, I just wanted to kinda confirm what the other two women wrote- they're both right. It seems pretty clear that he's giving you the message he's not into it anymore. And like Free wrote, he may just come back at some point, but it would only be for the same type of thing.

I really know what you mean about closure- I am a very open person and really prefer to be told straight out that he doesn't want me anymore, than to be left hanging.

I think many of us on this board would benefit from some therapy and I know that you have it in you to find your OWN closure, within yourself. That it is over for YOU, for your own sense of personal self worth.

Good luck honey, I know it's hard.