new here... heartbroken.
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| Tue, 07-20-2010 - 12:53pm |
Hi... I am crawling out of my mess over to you all where I hope to get strong enough to find myself again. Feel like I have been through a war. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces. My head is all foggy. And if you don't mind I just want to lay here for a bit. (dramatic enough?)
It is the same old story. I am S he is M. He walked into my life at just the perfect time where I was vulnerable and lonely (had just broken up with someone) and I fell for him so fast. I mean it felt like someone grabbed me and dunked me under water. Our chemistry was unheard of to me, seriously nuts. And when we came up for air he was nice enough to mention that he wasn't planning on leaving his wife and son ...ever. Just an F.Y.I.
I was not cut out to be the OW. I can't stand hurting anyone. I never overlapped people when I was dating, always sure to tell someone if I am over them end it and THEN move on. Stupidly I went into this A with that expectation. xAP did not treat things that way. He is all about being vague... making me work to figure out what is going on or how he feels. The less I knew the better was his game. So when I say I am exhausted... I mean mentally EXHAUSTED.
We didn't have a DDay or anything dramatic. Just a neverending pattern of him being hot and cold. Until I can't take it anymore. The most current one was just a few months ago. We started off the year in a hot phase and we were more connected than ever. Then I got laid off and he went into a cold phase. And it hasn't ended. Been four months and I heard nothing except how busy and stressed he is at work. Such a lame excuse by the way. But I bought it... because I know where he works is very stressed right now. I was very worried about him and how miserable he was at work AND home... poor thing I thought. I was working overtime to try and make him feel better, cheer him up (and here I am sitting here unemployed). Then he just announces one day he is leaving the next day for ten days on a vacation with his wife and son. I was silent... stewing actually... sort of like what a volcano might look like before it erupts. That is when I knew this was not happening for me anymore. I can't be this sideline girl.
I told him I can't do this and we went back and forth... tried to be friends but that didn't work. So he finally decided that I should move on, he is no good for me, dragging me down and that there is someone better out there for me. He isn't leaving his family and I deserve to live. And at first I have to admit I was pissed because I didn't want to be told I could leave now. Then I was feeling like he was being so considerate of my best interest. But now I realize he just wanted out and didn't want me to destroy his family by going nutso...so he figured he would take the "see how great of a guy I am" approach.
He's got my mind in knots and I just want to undo them and move on. Whether he was being genuine or not. He is right! He can't offer me anything. He is a jerk! And even the good times were stressful.
As it stands he is trying to remain in tact as the good guy, who hasn't dumped me... just looking out for me. And I am broken in a bunch of pieces and then tied into knots. YET... I know that there is a better situation out there for me. And I would like to get there. So if you ladies could help me take those steps, I would so greatly appreciate it. I have read the healing library. I know what to do... it's just my heart... my heart and emotions betray me and they have been doing so this whole time. I don't trust them anymore. I need help with that.
Sorry this is so long.

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Dear Wisingup,
Thank you for sharing your story, as painful as it is. If you've been reading the HL then you know that NC is the only way
~Iddy~
Welcome to EAS, WU:). Glad you read the Healing Library, great load of helpful info. If you also read through the posts of the regulars here, you will find A's DO end and have NO future. You deserve someone who can give you 110% of their time, not crumbs or table scraps which is what MMs do.
Most APs do try to contact later on and that is when you need to block and delete. If you are able to block his email address and phone number, start. You will find our mantra is No Contact=No New Hurts. It can also stand for No New Crap:). Good luck on the start of your new life.
Hi Wising :)
Welcome! Take a deep breath and know that as long as you are here on EAS, and you do the hard work you need to do, it will all get better. Some of your story is similar to mine. I am 3 weeks out of a 7 1/2 year long A. I'm also S, and like you, spent my time worrying about my XAP and his stress. Poor him. He works very hard. He's an important man.
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This is EXACTLY what happened to me. About 5 weeks ago, my XAP had been so incredibly busy at work. We had conversation #5,000 on the topic of him needing to leave his W so I could take care of him, and that I was worried about his stress. He comforted me on the phone, agreed, etc. The next day he came to my office and we were intimate. The following day, I didn't hear from him until toward the end of the day when he announced the same thing to me. He was taking off the next day with his W and D on vacation for a few weeks. This had happened to me before - 7 1/2 years - a lot has happened to me before. But this time I snapped. Angry is not even close to what I felt at the time.
<<>>
That's right! I'm glad you're reading the HL - I printed everything and read it every day. You can do this, one day at a time. Everyone here is ready to throw you a life preserver when you need it. Keep reading and posting.
Bodhi
Edited 7/20/2010 2:00 pm ET by bodhi2010
Iddy,
"After all, he is the reason you are here. We cannot solve a problem with the person who created it. This is going to be YOUR journey, your trip to self awareness, and your needing to forgive yourself eventually. No matter how big a jerk this guy is/was, you still volunteered to play the A game."
Exactly what I have been trying to do the last four months IS solve the problem WITH the man who created it. I just thought the other day... I don't want to be friends with the man who is breaking my heart. Hard as that is because as sick as it sounds, I really look up to him as being the older, wiser, more accomplished man I always ran to for advice. And faced with having that actualy BE the problem I am sort of lost right now. I forgot what it was like to figure stuff out myself. Sheesh. Thanks for the reminder of all this. And I also want to say that I am not a blamer, I fully kick myself every day for getting involved. It takes two... I walked into this knowing... well I didn't actually know what I was walking into but I know it was wrong.
Lstwk,
"Good luck on the start of your new life."
Thank you! That made me smile!!
Bodhi,
Sorry you have had to endure this too. I feel like a mix between an idiot for not seeing things clearly and a failure for not handling them the way I thought he wanted me to. I always felt like I was missing the boat when it came to him. Everytime I thought I had this guy figured out, he would change. I was trying to be his perfect girl, but in the end that still wasn't enough. And it was confusing because he would pull back even when things were going so good. So I never quite got a handle on what caused it. But after spending WEEKS discussing his job and all the stress he is under with him, worrying about him, telling him to let me take care of him (I was saying that too) and him eating it up... he was putting the finishing touches on his
Wising -
I thought of my XAP as my older, wiser, turn-to-for-everything rock also. And for so long I looked to him to "fix" things. I can't even tell you how many times the man held me in his arms while I cried....and HE was the cause of the tears. You're not an idiot. You said you were trying to be his perfect girl - BTDT - I posted before about feeling like I'd just been through the hardest job interview in my life, and failed.
<<>>>
Yep, same EXACT thing I've gone through - same words. Like Iddy said, if you haven't already, you need to tell him that you don't want him to contact you anymore. Don't wait 7 1/2 years like I did.
:)
Bodhi
Hi Bodhi,
I am just sitting here thinking what is going to make THIS time different than all the other times I tried to end it. I mean I want this to be over, I want to meet someone I can keep. Well ...if I'm being honest I wanted him to be the one I could keep. But then again do I? So much jumbled up in my head.
I want to be free of all this push/pull and think clearly. It is really hard to make decisions with this foggy brain. How did you make this one stick? I know that it's only been three weeks but you seem "done." The longest I ever went not contacting was two months. Then I couldn't take it anymore and sent the message and BAM right back where I started. How do you safeguard that?
I haven't yet told him not to contact me. I figured that would be pointless since he hasn't contacted me in a long time. I have been making all the contact. So I just assume that if I stop this whole thing dies anyway. I would feel like more of a tool to contact him just to say... don't contact me. lol
Wising -
<<<>>
That is the $100,000 question. You have to MAKE this time different. I am making this time different - I've ended things a hundred times. I wanted my XAP to be the "one" too, so I know how you feel. You have to take him out of the picture. Take a long, close, REALISTIC look at him. The more the fog clears for me, the more I see just how controlling and toxic my XAP is. You asked the question, do you really want him? Do you?
<<>>
It's truly and addiction that you have to take one day at a time. I'm trying not to worry about whether or not I will fall on my face tomorrow, all that matters is making it through today. I seem "done" because I am slowly but surely gaining more and more resolve and clarity every day. It doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking.
If you can just disappear, that is great. I tried to do that and it didn't work. If he tries to reach out to you, don't answer. Be strong - we both deserve a real, honest, open relationship with a man of our own.
Bodhi
"It's truly and addiction that you have to take one day at a time. I'm trying not to worry about whether or not I will fall on my face tomorrow, all that matters is making it through today. I seem "done" because I am slowly but surely gaining more and more resolve and clarity every day. It doesn't mean my heart isn't breaking."
That sounds healthy. I will try and take it one day at a time, but I am really impatient. I want to hit the erase button on all this and start over.
Welcome to EAS WU. You've made the first step. Now, as Bohdi said, you take it one day at a time. Set small goals for yourself and celebrate when you reach them. This is all about you. Time to focus on you. Don't go searching for someone or something to fill the void. The void is within you and only you can fill it in order to become the person you need to be for someone just right for you down the road. This is painful journey, but so worth it in the end. Just keep coming back here. Keep posting. Keep reading. You will make it.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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