new here... heartbroken.
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| Tue, 07-20-2010 - 12:53pm |
Hi... I am crawling out of my mess over to you all where I hope to get strong enough to find myself again. Feel like I have been through a war. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces. My head is all foggy. And if you don't mind I just want to lay here for a bit. (dramatic enough?)
It is the same old story. I am S he is M. He walked into my life at just the perfect time where I was vulnerable and lonely (had just broken up with someone) and I fell for him so fast. I mean it felt like someone grabbed me and dunked me under water. Our chemistry was unheard of to me, seriously nuts. And when we came up for air he was nice enough to mention that he wasn't planning on leaving his wife and son ...ever. Just an F.Y.I.
I was not cut out to be the OW. I can't stand hurting anyone. I never overlapped people when I was dating, always sure to tell someone if I am over them end it and THEN move on. Stupidly I went into this A with that expectation. xAP did not treat things that way. He is all about being vague... making me work to figure out what is going on or how he feels. The less I knew the better was his game. So when I say I am exhausted... I mean mentally EXHAUSTED.
We didn't have a DDay or anything dramatic. Just a neverending pattern of him being hot and cold. Until I can't take it anymore. The most current one was just a few months ago. We started off the year in a hot phase and we were more connected than ever. Then I got laid off and he went into a cold phase. And it hasn't ended. Been four months and I heard nothing except how busy and stressed he is at work. Such a lame excuse by the way. But I bought it... because I know where he works is very stressed right now. I was very worried about him and how miserable he was at work AND home... poor thing I thought. I was working overtime to try and make him feel better, cheer him up (and here I am sitting here unemployed). Then he just announces one day he is leaving the next day for ten days on a vacation with his wife and son. I was silent... stewing actually... sort of like what a volcano might look like before it erupts. That is when I knew this was not happening for me anymore. I can't be this sideline girl.
I told him I can't do this and we went back and forth... tried to be friends but that didn't work. So he finally decided that I should move on, he is no good for me, dragging me down and that there is someone better out there for me. He isn't leaving his family and I deserve to live. And at first I have to admit I was pissed because I didn't want to be told I could leave now. Then I was feeling like he was being so considerate of my best interest. But now I realize he just wanted out and didn't want me to destroy his family by going nutso...so he figured he would take the "see how great of a guy I am" approach.
He's got my mind in knots and I just want to undo them and move on. Whether he was being genuine or not. He is right! He can't offer me anything. He is a jerk! And even the good times were stressful.
As it stands he is trying to remain in tact as the good guy, who hasn't dumped me... just looking out for me. And I am broken in a bunch of pieces and then tied into knots. YET... I know that there is a better situation out there for me. And I would like to get there. So if you ladies could help me take those steps, I would so greatly appreciate it. I have read the healing library. I know what to do... it's just my heart... my heart and emotions betray me and they have been doing so this whole time. I don't trust them anymore. I need help with that.
Sorry this is so long.

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Time to focus on you. Don't go searching for someone or something to fill the void. The void is within you and only you can fill it in order to become the person you need to be for someone just right for you down the road.
Thanks Jane! I can't really imagine someone else filling this void right now. I do realize that there is one though and it needs to be capped... hopefully that will be easier to do than the BP
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