new here, looking for advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2010
new here, looking for advice
17
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 1:42am

Hello,

I ended my 8 month affair back in July.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 3:20am
Hi wanderingstar,

I'm happy you found your way to EAS, you will find lots of support here and excellant advice. I'm new myself and if you haven't found it already there is a Healing Library with lots of helpful information:) You will go through stages in your emotions which is normal, reading and posting as much as you can will give you some coping tools to help you through your feelings. I'm learning alot here and I'm starting to feel that I'm absorbing what I'm learning and making steps to use that knowledge in my real life. You mentioned going to counselling with your H, have you thought about going to individual counselling to be able to talk about just you? I've only done individual counselling and have found it to be very beneficial. With alot of hard work I belive the feeling of missing xap will go away. Take care wanderingstar you will have lots of supportive replies in the morning and big hugs to you for taking this step to recommit to your marriage and to committ to staying no contact:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 9:16am

WS,

Welcome to endings and I hope you have been reading our Healing Library, chocked full of truths and reality. First it is going to help you dispel

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 9:44am

hi wanderingstar,

welcome to EAS, I'm glad you've found us.

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 8:56pm

Hi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2010
Mon, 11-22-2010 - 10:56pm

Hello all and thank you for your replies.

Lillie, thank you for your reassuring words. i spend so much time thinking i'm a horrible person for still thinking fondly of my ex. i feel like i should just cut him out of my head and heart and move on and never look back. while i've been able to cut contact, he still lives on inside of me and shows up when i least expect him. as far as calling him my lover--well, i really just wasn't sure what else to call him. you guys use a LOT of acronyms and abbreviations here! i searched for the list, and it turns out that he is an AP, and i'm his xAP, and i'm also the OW to his BS, and he is the OM to my DH, and now that i've had a d-day i need to commit to NC or else i'm SOL. phew!

so what i've been reading has all reaffirmed the value of maintaining NC, and of acknowledging that the affair results from some internal damage, pain or pathology that we're failing to address. this makes perfect sense, and i am absolutely going to individual counseling to try to dredge up and work through some of this. in terms of what's brought me this far, i read a book called Why Good People Have Affairs, which i found very heartening, and my husband and I have been reading another book called Surviving Infidelity together. it is chock full of exercises to generate good discussion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 12:04am

Wandering-

Addressing the vilifying issue --- yah, sometimes it might seem like new-enders are encouraged to vilify X, but, in reality, they are merely encouraged to see X in the light of reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 8:20am

wanderingstar,

your take on the EAS acronyms gave me a chuckle this dark, chilly morning.

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 9:44am
dee and lillie-thank you both very much for your replies. these were two of the most helpful posts and they make me very glad i found this board. i have read some posts here that talk about getting to a point of indifference, and i long for that day. i think dee that your assessment is accurate--i need to keep an open mind but be very careful of getting too protective of my xAP. he failed to respect my marriage and that says something about him. lillie, your description fits my x quite well, selfish, damaged, broken, and looking for somebody else to ease his pain. i suppose what i struggle with is that i saw myself as quite the same. i spend a great deal of time wondering how i could have slipped into such dysfunctional behavior and the only conclusion i can come to was that i myself was as much of a mess as xAP, i simply decided that i wanted to work to get my life together again. it is hard for me to make sense of what happened. i realize that i got into this A because i was unhappy, lost, and very low on myself. but wasn't he, as well? what is the difference between myself and he, we are both selfish betrayers. i am disgusted with myself on a regular basis. i suppose i should be disgusted with both of us. i just cannot believe i did any of this. its shocking to me how much i lied and how badly i treated myself and my loved ones. this is why i spend a great deal of time wondering if i imagined the whole thing--because i just cannot admit that it was real and that i truly made such damaging choices. how do we look ourselves in the mirror anymore?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 12:34pm

Hello Star and WELCOME to EAS !!!!!

I can't really add anything to my

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 2:08pm

"the only conclusion i can come to was that i myself was as much of a mess as xAP, i simply decided that i wanted to work to get my life together again. it is hard for me to make sense of what happened. i realize that i got into this A because i was unhappy, lost, and very low on myself. but wasn't he, as well? what is the difference between myself and he, we are both selfish betrayers. i am disgusted with myself on a regular basis. i suppose i should be disgusted with both of us."

Exactly. However, the only person you can change is yourself. So let the broken xAP go do what he needs to you, while you get on doing what you NEED to do. There is no point in holding onto the memories ... just think how differently you would remember him & the affair if there was a Dday. All of a sudden he doesn't start to seem quite as innocent & memorable in any particularly flattering way. I remember after my affair ended, that there were some memories I thought were simply amazing. That no matter what, I still had THOSE amazing memories with him. However, with time and careful reflection, I can't salvage ONE memory that isn't colored by the deceitful, manipulative actions that we each needed to engage in to make those experiences happen. THOSE times together meant that people in my real life went without - my kids didn't have me at school events, I wasn't hanging out with my BFFs or sharing my day with my H. It meant that time was taken away from those who truly NEEDED me, and wasted on JAM who was just as guilty as I was of betraying all who loved and respected him.

So yah, NO, there is nothing good about what we did, or who we were during the affair. It isn't about putting the affair partner down, however some xAP seems to be particularly vicious, but it is about getting REAL. I never harbored more anger for xAP than I had for myself. He never forced me into an affair, and once I was in it, my self-esteem became so eroded by the treatment I tolerated, that I lost it all before I could see the forest behind the big bald tree in front of me.

TU.

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