new here, looking for advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2010
new here, looking for advice
17
Sun, 11-21-2010 - 1:42am

Hello,

I ended my 8 month affair back in July.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 4:44pm

Hi WS,

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 5:46pm

WS...welcome to EAS and congratulations on 10 weeks NC!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 10:00pm

wanderingstar,

ah yes, indifference.

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 10:38pm
hijacking for just a second to ditto Lillie's comments - and Lillie - BEAUTIFULLY written. Thank you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 11:32pm

I concure with Lolly.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 11-24-2010 - 12:38am
Hi and welcome to you, Wanderingstar, I am so glad that you found EAS...what a great community of supportive, caring women (and a few men out there) who have all BTDT and as Iddy has said "I have the T-shirt to prove it". I have been sitting here, reading all the comments you have received to your original post, with tears streaming down my face. It is certainly a struggle for me to look back on the A and my behavior while in it, thinking "who was that person?" "was that even real?" or "that was NOT me." Then I have to tell myself, "think again. That WAS me. And I am responsible for the deception and twisted thinking and acting that I placed myself into." xAP never once took me by force. I went. Innocently...yeah, well, maybe not so innocent. I knew where the road would lead, but I never knew just how HARD it is to break the addiction and the vicious cycle that is an A. My xAP is single, so he had NOTHING to lose and didn't have the decency to care about the fact that I was M and had four wonderful children. Nope. He was lonely, his ego needed a boost, he has severe self-esteem issues, his sex drive was wild and BOOM - I was willing. And he sure knew how to take control of the situation and knew just what to say and when to say it. But he was also sure to remind me that he was NOT in love with me, so as to keep it "less complicated". And I BOUGHT all of the crap he would throw at me. Sad news was that we work together. But good news is that in about 40 days, I am leaving that workplace and that will be amazingly empowering - to NOT have anymore LC with him EVER again. :) I have also looked at the book "When Good People Have Affairs". I commend you and your husband for working towards a stronger M and the fact that he knows about the A and loves you despite the hurt speaks volumes for his character. You are truly blessed to have an H like that. I have a very loving H, but he does not know about the A and I am a coward when it comes to that. Possibly, God-willing, there will be an opportunity to share it with him, but until then, I struggle to work on ME and get myself through my counseling therapy. And I love horses, so I will be leasing one starting in December! This will give me an extremely healthy escape and also a "high"!! :) without hurting anyone at all! Take care and have a very very happy Thanksgiving! Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 11-24-2010 - 6:56am

WS,

I never had a reason to hate my xAP. He was never unkind to me. We never promised each other anything and never expressed more than "fondness" for one another. He was sweet, charming and funny with me. Of course, I only saw his best side and that which I wanted to see. I was confused when I first ended because I read a lot of hate and anger toward xAP on this board and I wondered if I was supposed to hate mine, too.

I like what Dee said: << Because you don't harbor ill feelings for your X, you are, in fact, well poised to reach a place of mutual forgiveness and acceptance that is very necessary for your healing and for finding eventual peace.>>

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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