New here & need help keeping NC
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New here & need help keeping NC
| Tue, 08-03-2010 - 11:48am |
I thought I posted a message on here yesterday afternoon, but I can’t find it. I need some good advice. I didn’t find this board until yesterday, so I am still reading and trying to gain/keep that perspective I need to successfully overcome self-sabotage.

AS,
Welcome to our community. I don't have much time as I am at work but I didn't want your post to go unnoticed.
<<<This past weekend, I sent AP an email, apologizing and telling him that I just couldn’t continue any type of relationship with him anymore; I needed to break things off with him and I mean it, for him and for me. I also told him I remembered my promise to him, and, yes, I would give him an opportunity to respond this time to get that closure he seems to really need by allowing him to respond and letting him know I read his response, nothing more.>>
You sent the goodbye email, he responded with a "manipulating, feeling sorry for himself" reply, and now you need to close this email account and start your healing. There is no closure in an affair. REPEAT...There is NO closure, so making him that promise is only keeping the door open
~Iddy~
Hi, Amber-
Welcome to EAS. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place with your H and M and I'm sending you lots of cyber support. You're doing the right thing to break it off with your X and reinvesting in your RL; which seems stressful enough without adding A-stress to the mix.
Now that you've said goodbye and he's responded, it's time to cut the ties. He cannot continue to manipulate you into further involvement in the A you want to end if you DON'T READ HIS EMAILS. No Contact (NC) is the gift you give yourself so that you can free yourself from exactly this sort of X-induced emotional strife. You don't need to respond to him with "care and compassion"; it's not your duty or place. He is a big boy and you are no longer his emotional dumping ground. You own him nothing further. OWN your destiny and put yourself and your family's well-being first. You can do this. You'll get over missing him, I promise.
Please read as much of the board as you can today to get yourself pumped up.
Best,
Dee
Hi Amber- Welcome to EAS. I will echo what others have said- block and walk. You sent the goodbye email so that is it. You are not responsible for his happiness. Everyone is responsible for their own. He will not die from this... broken hearts heal. His will and yours will. NC is not a punishment, but rather a gift. It will give you both time to heal and move on. I am sorry he is harassing you. I am sending lots of strength your way and praying that he gets the message sooner rather than later.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Welcome to our community (-:
Oh woman, you owe this man nothing. NOTHING. My xAP was dropping suicidal emails & texts to me ... at first, I responded and this was exactly how I ended up breaking NC the first two times. After that, he got a referral to a crisis line.
You know what? He is still alive.
When you take back your power and start to show integrity & resolve, they start having adult temper tantrums. They each do it a little differently, but in the end - time to put them in permanent "time out" - which is NO CONTACT!!!
You have yourself to take care of now.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
hi amber, and welcome to our group. i'm very proud of you for being so involved in the board so far. posting here can be very therapeutic.
you are going through a very rough time right now, and we all empathize, because we've been there in some form or another.and as you can see, liberating yourself from the A has immediate benefits in the form of greater self respect and an ability to see beyond the stress of the A and actually envision something for yourself and your H!
i understand what it is to have an AP that wont leave you alone, and is constantly guilting you and trying to challenge you. my AP has always been that way, from the first time i tried to "dump him", he's vacillated between sending me pathetic emails about how he'll always love me and will never meet anybody better than me, to angry emails about how i'm living a lie, and does my H know about all the great sex we have, etc. and here is the thing i keep reminding myself, thanks to good advice from fellow posters: your AP is a big boy, and he's responsible for himself. he will NOT keel over and die just because you stop seeing him. NOR WILL YOU! it is his responsibility to pull himself up by the bootstraps and get his own head on straight, and its your responsibility to take care of yourself.
it is normal in the immediate aftermath to ask yousrelf all kinds of questions "were the feelings real? was this just about filling voids in each others lives?". well, look, it almost doesn't matter.we rarely get into As when we're feeling put together and comfortable in our lives. usually, we step into it when we are vulnerable and lost, and we seek comfort in another kindred spirit. you provide something for each other, and that thing is real. is it "love" in the way that the love you and your husband have is love? probably not, but it doesn't matter. the A is constructed within a series of contrived circumstances, and would likely never have happened if both of you were just 2 single ppl who met in a cafe somewhere ;)
stay focused on your goal of reconnecting with yourself. remember the good things that result from purging this guy from your life. and most importantly, dont feel guilty for pushing him away. it is HIS job to take care of him. you've done enough for him already.
good luck :)
Good for you, Amber!
You're right, bottling up our feelings is not good because they will not be denied (I always feel like Glenn Close when I say that :).