New here. Need some serious support
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| Sun, 06-06-2010 - 12:41pm |
Ok, I am going to try to make this post as short as possible.
I have been married for 15 years. I had an affair very early in the marriage. It was mostly an EA (he was single) with some physical contact but we did not have "go all the way." I met him in Jan. 1997 and the A was over in May 1997. D-day #1 was in early May. I told my husband everything and we would discuss it periodically but it was mostly swept under the rug.
I went NC the day I told my husband. I stayed in complete NC for over ten years. And then I did the stupidest thing ever and look him up on Myspace. I sent him a "hey, how are you?" type of email and he responded right away. By that night I had his phone number and we were chatting like we had never stopped talking. *barf* Things were different this time. He was engaged but he continued talking to me anyway. This was in March 2008. By April we had met up once again and basically continued where the A left off. This time it was also an EA but completely a PA as well. This continued until late May when I ended the affair. I could not do it anymore. I wanted to reveal the A to my husband and work on our marriage. So on 5/28/08 was our 2nd d-day. I spent the entire summer trickling the truth, trying to break NC. Although I have not seen him since I ended the A, there has been email and phone contact but I have since been completely NC since January 2010. My husband knows about each attempt to break NC.
I have not sought out any form of IC or MC. I KNOW there is something wrong but I don't think I am willing to face those demons just yet. I used cheating as a means to escape. I like the high it gives me but I hate the lows. Hate, hate, hate. And I don't really understand my actions. I have a loving husband.
I met someone last month. And here I am once again. I don't even know how to describe this affair. He's a MM with children. We text, email, and chat online often. I have seen him twice and we fooled around but didn't have sex. It's definitely not an EA. I think he's a cool enough person but I have zero feelings for him. In fact, I wish nothing had ever been started with him. I went completely NC today as I know nothing good can ever come out of knowing him. I really DO NOT want to have another d-day but I know the truth is going to come out sooner or later. I don't think my husband suspects anything. If he DOES suspect something he would think it's xOM#1. I don't think it would even cross his mind to think there is the possibility of another xOM.
I feel pretty hopeless. I felt good about being honest about the first two affairs. I felt good being truthful about each attempt to break NC. I really feel like I was working on things and making our marriage better but I have royally screwed everything up.

Welcome to endings. Your story seems to echo a few others that have recently appeared on this board; Numerous D-Days
~Iddy~
nswtda,
Until you are ready to be completely honest with yourself, you will be doomed to keep repeating the same pattern. There are really no excuses. Yes, we've all had As here on this board. And not one single one of us has a viable excuse--or gets a free pass--for doing so. You are doing this as a means to avoid/escape something else. It will take time with a trained professional