New here.... needing some advice!
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New here.... needing some advice!
| Tue, 10-06-2009 - 2:45pm |
A while back, I went over to my cousins’ place for holiday. Whilst I was there, her husband and I grew a special bond. We were laughing and giggling, and got on so well. I was his favorite out of my 2 sisters. We’d all stay up all night and sit and talk, and sometimes even have a few drinks. My cousin’s husband and I would stay after everybody went to bed, and shared secrets. He’s 33 and I’m 19. Crazy as it seems, we’ve always clicked, ever since day one. We’ve got so much in common and get along more with each other than with anybody else. Everybody around us knows we click and there’s always been chemistry between us. I noticed myself developing feelings for him, and the same with him. I knew it wasn’t right, since he was after all married to my cousin, but things with them weren’t going so well at all. They would always argue, and he told me he’s tried so much to make their marriage work because of his 2 ½ year old daughter. They’ve been married for 7 years now, and things started going down hill for about the past 3-4 years now. We would share anything and everything with each other without a hesitation. He became my closest, and best friend! This one night, we all went out for drinks. (A few of his friends and cousins, my cousins and their husbands or boyfriends, my sister and I.) While we were dancing, I walked off, because I didn’t feel to comfortable with him. While I was walking towards the restrooms, he walked behind me and asked me what was the matter. I didn’t say anything and just stared at him. After just standing there without saying anything, he gave me a tight hug and told me that he loves me. And he knows I feel the same way about him. He then gave me a kiss on my lips, and I literally felt as if he did love me. Ever since that day, we would stay up all night just to spend time together kissing each other, and holding hands while cuddling underneath one blanket on their couch. After I came back home, I figured maybe all of this would fade away. Unfortunately it didn’t. We ended up getting more involved with each other and our feelings for each other were stronger then ever. About 2-3 months later, his wife had found (mine and his) text messages on his phone and was about to call it quits, but somehow he managed to “try to work it out with her.” We tried ending things then but we just couldn’t. Between then and now, they’ve come here and we’ve been around theirs again. Also between them coming here and us going there, I stopped talking to him for 2 months (just to see if something was really there, while also making an attempt to end things). After meeting him and seeing how miserable and suicidal (he looked like he gave up on everything) he was (acted, and looked) without me (everyone else noticing that same change in him). I decided to return to back to him, and pursue what was going on. A year and a half later and their marriage almost collapsing (my very own father stepped in and told them to work things out), me n him are still together. We have decided that after I got my degree, we would then get married, and until then he wasn’t allowed to leave his wife (just so he can stay with his daughter, and so she doesn’t spill the whole me n him having an affair in front of the family just yet). (me n my cousin grew a cold relationship towards each other. After I had practically ended the whole thing a few months ago she still kept accusing me for each and everything wrong with their marriage, when they’re marriage was going downhill since the past 5 years. She also lied her way to my sisters and turned them against me.) I’m not saying im right for what im doing, I know its wrong and im not doing it just because she made my life hell with my sisters. I really do love him, but I want to end this. Its been so hard for me to end this affair, but I know it needs to be done. She’s giving him a last chance, I don’t mind if me n her don’t communicate with each other, but I don’t want to harm anyone anymore. Knowing him, I know it’ll kill him to know that the person he loves so deeply wants to leave him, but sooner or later he’ll get over it. (Im not being insensitive, I just pray he gets over it. I don’t feel as if im the right one for him. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I just can’t put him through all what he’s going through. I’ve never seen him as happy as he is now (now that we’re together. And his cousins who don’t know about this agree that he’s been looking much happier now). It felt so good to write all of this down. If any of you have any advice on how I can move on or tell him i want to end this without him becoming depressed-like, kind of like how he was during those 2 months we didn’t talk, then please let me know. I really love him, and I just think this is the right thing for me being a cousin to do. You are probably thinking… she’s such and idiot or a slut or whatever, but you seriously can’t help the way you feel. sorry its kind of long, and might not even make much sense, but its a relief to relieve all this from my chest!

Hi anonymous,
My best answer to your question of how to end it is not a quick and simple one. I'm all for ending A's as you see how destructive they are to all involved.
I would like to suggest that you stay here and read a little especially in the "Healing Library" which is towards the end of the main EAS page.
I believe it would be helpful for you to read some posts as most of us think our situation and A is very different. I think you will see that yours is very much like many of the A's that EASers have had.
I think that will help you see the best way to end it and will give you resolve and peace of mind when you end it.
I have a gut instinct that if I expressed how I thought you should end it right now, I think you would be taken back and not really understand where I'm coming from with the directness that I would use. I don't want to say something that would drive you away because I know you are in a lot of turmoil right now.
Please stay and read. I believe it will answer you question.
Much love and big hugs to you,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Don't worry I'm sure I can handle whatever you have to say. Whatever you say may come off wrong, but Im sure it'll help me get out of this mess.
thanks
Hi Anonymous,
I have to go to some appts. today but when I get back I will write to you. In the mean time, hopefully others will chime in too. I just wanted to let you know that I did get your message and that I will reply in full soon.
Did you have a chance in the mean time to do some reading here? Especially in the Healing Library?
Much Love and big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Anonymous,
Since your AP’s W is part of the family, I would say you need to write a brief text/email saying you cannot do this anymore and you do not wish to have any further contact with him. (Period no further explanation.) Then block his number from your phone and block his email address. If you want this to really end, that is how you do it. You go NC (no contact). You cannot carry on an affair if you do not communicate with that person. It will end.
I know people want to say more when they write the text/email but really what can you really say. It’s not like you have some magic words to make it easier.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Welcome to EAS Anon!
Wow, quite a story.