New here, not quite into day 1 of NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
New here, not quite into day 1 of NC
20
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 3:16pm

Hello ladies and gents,

First, I apologize if this sounds a bit rambly! I have a few close friends that I've talked things out with over the past while, and especially last night...but, I think I need to vent/express myself to some people who will understand a little more as they've 'been through it'.
I lurked around here a few months back, but never posted. Now that I am where I am, I kind of wished that I did.
I could go into all the back story of 'how this came to be', but in the end - it really doesn't matter, does it? In short, we'd met on a common interest site and started talking about that, then other areas of common interest, then the communication was increased and I called him on it - you don't treat me like a friend, and obviously I didn't treat him like a friend either. He acknowledged this, said he liked, me but maybe we could try to 'just be friends' (here we go, I can hear all of you say!). I knew then, that it just wasn't the dynamic that we had. But, I obviously stuck around, didn't I? Then it went head on into an EA...somewhere I never thought I would be, but there I was. Over time I'm sure he told me what I wanted to hear, what we've all heard - how terrible things are, how we are the 'only one that gets him', that understands and offers support, how much they love us and cannot see 'life without you'. And (sometimes) we say those things back. Maybe in the end they aren't true, but we 'felt' as though we meant them at the time. Some of the things he said made me think 'you need to get out, regardless of 'this'', but then that's not a choice I could make for him, and he if things were 'that bad' he could/would have gotten out before starting another (non)relationship. I should have seen this coming, that I was fun on the side - I was new, exciting, blah blah blah. I tried to initiate NC twice in the past few months, but now that I think on it - it wasn't true NC that I wanted, since I proposed it as 'NC until you decide what you're doing'. That still kept me on the hook, kept me waiting, kept the ball in his court. Anyway, to get a bit back on track, since it was LD most communication was via email, and phone. We did meet up a few times, and things moved into a PA on top of the EA. This threw me for a loop, I felt conflicted. The EA seemed 'more important', but I couldn't deny that the PA element was 'huge' and while I was reeling from some fallout from that...I got no support, and I shouldn't be surprised. I was at the time, I thought "...you said?"...but now I know, it doesn't matter what he or anyone said, actions speak louder than words and no where was that more apparent than these past few days. There was fight between he and his wife (not DDay, but suspicions I would guess). Things were 'tense at home' I was told...and that's all I was told. I was, as always and as most of us are, expected to sit, be quiet, and wait and worry in the silence as I got little to no contact over the weekend so he didn't 'rock the boat further'. Thrown under the bus...while I should in no way be surprised that's where I am, it still hurt...because 'he said'. Then, last night, I got a 1 paragraph email to the tune of 'he can't do this anymore'. Part of me should have seen it coming, but I didn't and I was pretty surprised and shocked at 'how could you have said X, Y, Z and then this?'. After reading through the 'words of wisdom' thread, and other threads, I know...I know that it doesn't matter 'what he said'. It still hurts, but I can't keep thinking over the disjuncture of what he said and what he did, because that will get me nowhere...and it also really doesn't matter what he said.
So, it hasn't even been 24hrs since that and I'm still in a bit of shock, I think. But, last night I spent the first moments gaping in shock and incomprehension, then erased all of our texts from my phone. That done, the tears and sobbing came...then, talking with some close friends who have known about this since the beginning (which was only about 6 months, so not really 'that long' relative to others experiences). I then, without hesitation or re-reading of anything deleted all the emails we'd ever exchanged and chat records. I erased from my computer anything I'd ever done for him, pictures, drawings, letters I'd drafted, and anything he'd sent me, songs, links, pictures, etc. All of it in the recycling bin, and then I emptied that. Then it was time for tea and a bath, though that didn't really do much of anything. Took the party back to the computer and came here, and spent hours going through old posts (especially the 'words of wisdom', er or maybe that's not what's called exactly, one. I'm about 80 some posts in on 'round 1', I'll finish that today and move on to part 2 I'm sure). Finally, after I had enough of sobbing, and nodding, and smiling a bit, and thinking 'you know, those words sound so familiar...' as I realize...it wasn't different, or special, even though I liked to think it was. And I'm sure I'll have my moments where I will look back and try and think it was. Anyway, I replied to his email. Basically an 'ok, goodbye'. He replied to me this morning, with the offer of me being able to call him to talk if I wanted. I deleted the email, and I didn't call him. Instead I updated one of my friends on how I was doing that morning. Talking to him, as much as I wanted to hear his voice, let him know hurt I was....I knew it wouldn't help, it would just make things worse. Then I Snoozed for a bit longer, got up, ready and went to meet another friend for coffee, which was nice. Came back here to do some more reading and obviously now, typing!
I'm not even really sure what I'm trying to get out of this post other than, 'here I am, I'm hurting, I know I'm going to need help and support (and learning!) over the next while; and here's 'where I've been', over the past (less than) 24hrs". Ask questions, share, or just send hugs. While I feel somewhat ok at the moment, my moods have gone way up and way down over such a short time...I know I've got a lot of work, and thinking, and learning and healing to do.
Thank you everyone in advance!

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 4:13pm

Hi WCFEM,


Welcome to EAS. That is great that you are already reading in the Healing Library. You will go through the whole emotional gamut sometimes in the course of a day. Brace yourself and continue to read and post here.


Big hugs for ending your A,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 6:04pm

wcfem,


I will have to echo what E1 says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 7:02pm


E1 and CSN - thank you!

It helps to know I'm not alone. That's how I felt first thing this morning...alone. And I cried, and felt the sadness because I would usually start my day calling him. But then I realized/thought on the fact that I was the 'worst kind' of alone before; I was alone and was kidding myself that I wasn't. Alone while in 'relationship' (I use scare-quotes because it wasn't a real relationship...what I felt and am feeling, 'feel real', but the relationship wasn't.)...I oscillate between feeling a really deep hurt and a 'how could you?' - which is directed at both xap, and myself. The things I put up with...I would not have done so in an actual relationship. When I'd met him I was 6mo or so out of ending a 6.5 year relationship (I'm in my late 20's) that I had ended because I wasn't getting what I needed and I 'saw no future', better to end it than let it stagger on. So I did. And yet, here I was completely going against what I had done in the past, getting almost none of my needs met, being constantly anxious and worried, and wondering. I was 'understanding' I was 'supportive', I was 'there for him'...and I was. But, to what end? Why did I do it? I don't know if I know that yet, but I'm working on it. Sure, I'm in pain now...a lot of pain, and there are tears and frustrations...but that was there before. At least now the pain and tears 'go somewhere', that while I still 'wonder' how he is, I no longer 'wait' for that text, I don't have my email browser sitting open all day so I can reply as soon as he manages to send me 'me something'. I know that I have to 'get him off my mind' and get out of the wondering part, because it really isn't my concern anymore. Or, really wasn't ever legitimately my concern - I'm going to re-read those posts on 'obsessive thinking'. NC and ending it is as painful as it is, it is 'going somewhere better'...there is hope. I know I'll get through it, even though it will be hard. Whereas before...the pain and tears and all the emotional energy I spent were going nowhere. Into a possibility that I only pretended existed. And, if I'm honest with myself and look back at journal entries - I knew that despite what was said on either part, the chances were slim to none. But I guess because of the cycle, the addiction, it was hard to break. To get out of. Yes, at many times I wanted so badly for things to work out...but, I think I always knew that they wouldn't. And then, once I started getting 'pushy' as in 'hey, I've supported you so much, and yet...you're never 'there for me', what gives?' and then things got a little 'too close' at home, well...I and the A lost it's appeal, and under the bus I went. I know 'rationally' that it's better this way, that I will move on and find someone far better for me, someone who is available. The real kicker? I passed up on a date with a perfectly good guy about a month ago in order to continue this. Hindsight is 20-20, and while there is still a possibility with this person. No, not yet. That just isn't fair to him, or myself, and I also can't 'keep him waiting' and do to him what xap did to me. If that does work later when I'm ready, then it does. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. Right now I have to get better for me. And it's going to take a lot of tears, and self-reflection, and work...and coming to this board every morning! (or truth be told, I've been pretty much scouring the board all day when I wasn't out doing other things).
It's been a little over 24hrs now since the shoe dropped, and nearly 24hrs exactly since I responded, which started NC for me. Tomorrow morning will mark a full 24hrs of NC on either party, since he did email me this morning. But, I'm proud of myself that I didn't call, that I didn't grab on to 'maybe if we talk and he hears how sad I am, and he says how sad he is, then this will all work out'. No, I've been sad and at my wits end before, and it didn't do a damn thing then, and it won't do a damn thing now.
Thank you again everyone ((hugs))

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 7:11pm

Here's a BIG (((HUG))) honey, and welcome to EAS. You poured your little heart out and truthfully, that was a good thing. It's out there now, and we all understand everything you wrote and will try to help you in whatever capacity we can. Good for you for reading everything you could today and come tomorrow you will be able to follow along as each person's journey continues to unfold.


Yes, it hurts, and the shock that the rug has been pulled out from under you will stay for a while.....but, it does get better, I promise. The first few weeks are toughies...I won't say otherwise...but NC from this point on is adamant for healing from this. He may try to contact again, but PLEASE do not respond back no matter how strong the pull is to do so. He has made it clear through painful actions that he is quite capable of taking action, KWIM? No words are going to make you feel any better, and from what you have written, I believe you understand this plain and clear.


Again, welcome to EAS, and know that you are no longer alone in

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 9:57pm
Just wanted to say thank you for your support/hugs/understanding.
It's been a tough day and I'm pretty beat/tired...but, from what I gather 'day one' usually is. But, at the same time...it's the first step, so there is that at least.
I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow. I know I will.
Thank you again!
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:17pm

I know where you are and I'm there too. You aren't alone. Big hugs!

Our stories seem very similar to each other. Congrats on being strong to delete everything. I haven't yet made that step but I will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:39pm

Welcome ... and a huge warm hug.
As you see, it is quite the community here. Together, one breath at a time, one day at a time ...

I am new too. Just over one week with very little contact (we work together).

I drag myself through my days, but even still, it's better than feeling: less than, not good enough for, freaking emotionally un-stable most of the time, and motion sickness from the ride!

J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:45pm

((((wcfem))))


Seems you've already found our Healing Library and


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:49pm

Thanks to you both!

I'm glad that there are some others 'just starting out'...well, maybe glad isn't the word since I don't 'like' that any one of us has to be here, or are here - but at least there is support and others to walk along with us.

I hear you on the motion sickness! That's exactly how this feels...like I've just gotten off the ride, and while I'm glad I did - I'm now left to wretch and heave because of the vertigo and dizziness from the ride. Eventually, just like getting off an actual roller coaster, the 'spins' subside and we're ok again...but, 'knowing that' doesn't always help when we're in the throes of wanting to cough up our insides. Hearts especially. And of course, it takes time and a lot of work.

I'm sad that this community needs to exist at all, but wow am I ever glad it's here!

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:58pm
Oh, and thanks to you too Clarity! I've actually read quite a bit of your posts in the 'wisdom and insight' thread...really, very helpful. I really appreciate it.
I hear you on getting a good nights sleep! And drinking lots of fluid to replace those tears. As soon as I post this, I'll go get some water (though, I have been drinking herbal tea to calm my stomach). There's been a lot of tears though...my eyes burn, and I don't remember feeling 'this bad' or sad after ending a nearly 7yr relationship. I know part of that is because it's hard to get over 'what never really was', but I'm still baffled by it a bit. Still, it's only winding down on 'day one', and I think I've done pretty well. So, as for sleep - I'm going to try my best, unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have a bunch of reading to do before I can do that, and it's hard to get through since it's not light reading by any means (I'm in grad school, running a tutorial tomorrow, so I should have at least some idea of what I'm saying/asking of my students). The fact that my 'work' and school are not 9-5, I can't just unplug when I come home has made this really difficult. I have a bunch of academic deadlines coming up, which is stressful. Though, I'm hoping I'll be able to 'pour' myself into it, since it was one of the things I neglected (and I'm kicking myself for it now) during the A. It will be hard though...it's hard to focus. But, again, for today it's been one hour at a time, and tomorrow I'll have a full 24 under my belt and I can get through day two. And continue on from there.
Thank you again, really, this place means so much...I had no idea how much it would help, but I'm glad I took the plunge and posted.
I'll check in in the AM.
(oh, and I'd say I'm more central/East...but, not on a coast by any means!)
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Pages