New here, not quite into day 1 of NC
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| Mon, 01-25-2010 - 3:16pm |
Hello ladies and gents,
First, I apologize if this sounds a bit rambly! I have a few close friends that I've talked things out with over the past while, and especially last night...but, I think I need to vent/express myself to some people who will understand a little more as they've 'been through it'.
I lurked around here a few months back, but never posted. Now that I am where I am, I kind of wished that I did.
I could go into all the back story of 'how this came to be', but in the end - it really doesn't matter, does it? In short, we'd met on a common interest site and started talking about that, then other areas of common interest, then the communication was increased and I called him on it - you don't treat me like a friend, and obviously I didn't treat him like a friend either. He acknowledged this, said he liked, me but maybe we could try to 'just be friends' (here we go, I can hear all of you say!). I knew then, that it just wasn't the dynamic that we had. But, I obviously stuck around, didn't I? Then it went head on into an EA...somewhere I never thought I would be, but there I was. Over time I'm sure he told me what I wanted to hear, what we've all heard - how terrible things are, how we are the 'only one that gets him', that understands and offers support, how much they love us and cannot see 'life without you'. And (sometimes) we say those things back. Maybe in the end they aren't true, but we 'felt' as though we meant them at the time. Some of the things he said made me think 'you need to get out, regardless of 'this'', but then that's not a choice I could make for him, and he if things were 'that bad' he could/would have gotten out before starting another (non)relationship. I should have seen this coming, that I was fun on the side - I was new, exciting, blah blah blah. I tried to initiate NC twice in the past few months, but now that I think on it - it wasn't true NC that I wanted, since I proposed it as 'NC until you decide what you're doing'. That still kept me on the hook, kept me waiting, kept the ball in his court. Anyway, to get a bit back on track, since it was LD most communication was via email, and phone. We did meet up a few times, and things moved into a PA on top of the EA. This threw me for a loop, I felt conflicted. The EA seemed 'more important', but I couldn't deny that the PA element was 'huge' and while I was reeling from some fallout from that...I got no support, and I shouldn't be surprised. I was at the time, I thought "...you said?"...but now I know, it doesn't matter what he or anyone said, actions speak louder than words and no where was that more apparent than these past few days. There was fight between he and his wife (not DDay, but suspicions I would guess). Things were 'tense at home' I was told...and that's all I was told. I was, as always and as most of us are, expected to sit, be quiet, and wait and worry in the silence as I got little to no contact over the weekend so he didn't 'rock the boat further'. Thrown under the bus...while I should in no way be surprised that's where I am, it still hurt...because 'he said'. Then, last night, I got a 1 paragraph email to the tune of 'he can't do this anymore'. Part of me should have seen it coming, but I didn't and I was pretty surprised and shocked at 'how could you have said X, Y, Z and then this?'. After reading through the 'words of wisdom' thread, and other threads, I know...I know that it doesn't matter 'what he said'. It still hurts, but I can't keep thinking over the disjuncture of what he said and what he did, because that will get me nowhere...and it also really doesn't matter what he said.
So, it hasn't even been 24hrs since that and I'm still in a bit of shock, I think. But, last night I spent the first moments gaping in shock and incomprehension, then erased all of our texts from my phone. That done, the tears and sobbing came...then, talking with some close friends who have known about this since the beginning (which was only about 6 months, so not really 'that long' relative to others experiences). I then, without hesitation or re-reading of anything deleted all the emails we'd ever exchanged and chat records. I erased from my computer anything I'd ever done for him, pictures, drawings, letters I'd drafted, and anything he'd sent me, songs, links, pictures, etc. All of it in the recycling bin, and then I emptied that. Then it was time for tea and a bath, though that didn't really do much of anything. Took the party back to the computer and came here, and spent hours going through old posts (especially the 'words of wisdom', er or maybe that's not what's called exactly, one. I'm about 80 some posts in on 'round 1', I'll finish that today and move on to part 2 I'm sure). Finally, after I had enough of sobbing, and nodding, and smiling a bit, and thinking 'you know, those words sound so familiar...' as I realize...it wasn't different, or special, even though I liked to think it was. And I'm sure I'll have my moments where I will look back and try and think it was. Anyway, I replied to his email. Basically an 'ok, goodbye'. He replied to me this morning, with the offer of me being able to call him to talk if I wanted. I deleted the email, and I didn't call him. Instead I updated one of my friends on how I was doing that morning. Talking to him, as much as I wanted to hear his voice, let him know hurt I was....I knew it wouldn't help, it would just make things worse. Then I Snoozed for a bit longer, got up, ready and went to meet another friend for coffee, which was nice. Came back here to do some more reading and obviously now, typing!
I'm not even really sure what I'm trying to get out of this post other than, 'here I am, I'm hurting, I know I'm going to need help and support (and learning!) over the next while; and here's 'where I've been', over the past (less than) 24hrs". Ask questions, share, or just send hugs. While I feel somewhat ok at the moment, my moods have gone way up and way down over such a short time...I know I've got a lot of work, and thinking, and learning and healing to do.
Thank you everyone in advance!

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Edited 1/26/2010 12:03 am ET by jodi_09
There is more I could say, but if click 'email you' (from your profile page) will that work? Might be a better area to discuss such things.
I've read this, so feel free to edit now!
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
hey,
when i clicked on your profile to email ... it said that your account isn't set-up for it. I will go make sure it's good to go at my end, so that we can connect & share that way. I am heading to bed now with no reading done )-:
Looking forward to speaking further,
J.
I'll be heading to bed soon too...some reading done, not sure how much I absorbed. But, Clarity had the right of it - I need sleep!
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Hope everyone else has a good day ((hugs!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Sounds like you're doing as well as can be expected for day 2 :) Hang in there... you're going to make it if you really want to!
Your original "pouring your heart out"... I identified with so much of it, and even in
Thank you :)
Glad I'm not the only one who felt a bit side-swiped with 'yes, I'll see you soon!' and then one hour later, no - not so much. But you know...I think I picked up on it, I actually had to ask him a few times if things were still 'a go', and it took him a bit to respond (out of 'normal', whatever normal is, for him). So, I got anxious...and while I felt side-swiped, part of me given the past week and a bit did think "I can't bee too surprised about this". I guess my mind/logical self was not surprised, but my heart and feelings totally were.
Day two has been...going ok. As ok as can be expected, I think. I was on campus for much of the day, interacting with fellow students which was nice. Then I ran my tutorial for two hours, and I have a pretty decent bunch of students and they seem to like me well enough as a TA, so that was actually helpful in that I felt some sense of 'normal', purpose, accomplishment. Leaving campus was hard, one of those 'hard moments' because I would usually text him saying I was done tutorial and if he had a moment free at work he'd ask and I'd call so I could tell him how it went. That was a tough moment, fought tears (sometimes unsuccessfully) on the walk home. Broke down as soon as I got in the door. Picked myself up, and here I am now. Just like you say, moment by moment...and eventually I'll get there, because I really want and need to.
Thank you again :)
((hugs for all!))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
You're doing GREAT!!
I havent made that step either... I mean i haven't got everything he ever sent me as I was being just as deceitful in trying to hide things from DH at the time.
"Once they're gone, they're gone." is that a bad thing? When I was a newer newbie, I too thought I couldn't bear to delete all the history - because I didn't want to let go of the fix and the drama - I wanted to have fodder to wallow in and I thought re-reading them would give me some 'insight' post-affair. Wrong. wrong. wrong.
with 20/20 (ish) hindsight I can tell you that deleting EVERYTHING is the best way to go. It eliminates the temptation to backtread and gives you the fresh start you really, really need right now. Find a moment of strength, realize it's fleeting, and pounce on the opportunity to use that strength to delete, delete, delete! And no mind games, either; be sure you delete your trash bin, too, cause.... humph.... we all know you'd be reading your trash, if you don't. ha. :) We've all btdt!
be strong and grab your better future with both hands!
Cheers,
Dee
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