New here-Please advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
New here-Please advise
4
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:06pm
I am new here and will try to keep it brief. Have had a relationship with MM (I'm a MW) for 2-1/2 years. You've read this before: soul mates, true love...I still believe that we are meant to be together, but have finally heeded his constant reminder that he loves his wife too (ouch-but I get it) and I have finally listened when he says that while he loves me too, we will not be together permanently.

OK, here's the Soap Opera part. She found out, he confessed (but said physical part was over), and they talk about me all the time!!!Hello?? I advised to just say he had stopped talking to/seeing me. He said he had told her he feels deeply connected to me. She knows what a loner he is, and does believe that he wouldn't have taken these risks for someone he didn't care deeply about. He said he told her that not being a friend to me is not an option. I truly think this is unfair to her and me. He has told me has never said that he loves me. I reminded him that he told her everything else.

Now for the even more complicated part (2 parts). A. She wants to meet me. B). He is oversees for an extended period now.

We agreed that when he gets back we must reassess what's going on between us. But now, and in the weeks before he left, he spends 80% of his time with me talking about her/what she asks about me/how she's going to call me while he's gone. Two days ago he called (1st call in the time he's been gone). Good talk and at the end he says she encouraged him to call. What is going on? Believe me, I've tried to end it. Why does he insist on talking about her with me/me with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 7:40am
ouch. First thought... back away slowly. He sounds like he wants what he wants and she is willing to let him have it. But I wouldn't trust her motives. I see red flags everywhere. As supportive as she may WANT to be of this, how could she NOT be harboring deep feelings of resentment about this affair? He chose to have a deep emotional connection with you over her and she's okay with that? he also told her all the details EXCEPT the one about telling you he loved you? Did he ask you not to tell her about that? Was the physical part over when he told her it was? You can end this... change your number and move on. It's got to be feeling a little creepy at this point, isn't it? If you do feel you have to talk with her, let her know you are sorry for causing her any pain, and that you wish them the best of luck working this out, and then ask her to reinforce your decision to have NC with him. good luck and Love to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 1:39pm
Thanks Rutabagah for taking the time to answer.

You definitely "got it." And yes, it is starting to feel creepy because my common sense is telling me "What on earth is he thinking to keep reinforcing that I am important to him." Again, without the added detail that he loves me.

I can barely fathom that she's buying that. But it's possible I guess.

Trust me, I know that if I was advising someone in this situation, I would say "run for your life." But we all know how hard that is. As for physical part, it certainly had NOT stopped. It continued after she knew (though thought we were only friends). So his "honesty" policy is not water-tight after all.

He wants it all. And I get that I am freely participating in letting him have it. I'm trying to be strong (and mad helps). But I do love him.

Ugh....

Pamama80

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 4:11pm
Pam:

Your intuition is kicking into high gear and right on target here. Your situation is whacked... even more than an affair is. Your words in the other post hit home to me and I will remember them..."He wants it all. And I get that I am freely participating in letting him have it."

If the W is really saying and doing these things (I have my serious doubts), then she's wacky too. It's kind of a creepy fatal attraction thing here. Just remember, some people have very bizaar marriage arrangements... bizaar by societal standards at least. For all you know, they have some sort of 'open' arrangement thing going on. She may be having an affair herself. Who knows? But, I do know that you should remove yourself from their kinky triangle as fast as you can.

As twisted as a regular affair is, isn't it funny when you know that even an affair has crossed the line? They've definitely crossed it. Don't meet the W. NOTHING good can come of it. Play the 'what if' game if you'd like in meeting her... most of your scenarios aren't going to have a happy ending.

I'm still shaking my head at what your MM said is going on in his marriage. Gosh, and they say the OW is sick, cruel and without morals... I don't think sooooo!

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:57pm
Thanks Bird:

I know that meeting with her is madness. But I would have done it once upon a time to "help him." I really know how women feel who have gone to prison in the name of helping a man.

He once brought it up (before I knew she was aware of me). I am really trying to get at his motivation for that. Once I knew she knew, I told him clearly that she and I would both leave more frustrated and freaked than secure. Does he really think she and I would meet and think, "What a pleasure. She's a great gal." I have been as articulate as I can on this topic and he sticks to the story of it's a "good idea." ???

Your advice, and others, will help me get strong. My instincts are telling me there is way more to why he is doing this to her than he admits. I believe her instincts are telling her the same thing. I do have compassion for her. She can't be feeling much better than I do.

I know like many of us here, I have great boundries elsewhere. But when it comes to this, I'm a wimp.

Thanks again.

Pamama