New here... Struggling :(
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| Fri, 07-09-2010 - 12:05pm |
Hi there,
I'm new to posting on the boards here but I've been lurking around the A boards trying to gain knowledge and support for my situation since I obviously can't talk to anyone about it.
Here's my story.
I've been having an EA with my DH's BIL. Yes, I know, I'm super crazy because as I'm realizing it is next to impossible to end because we see each other ALL THE TIME. Yes, it is just an EA as we both agreed we would not move to the PA. That was hard. But we both admitted our feelings for each other and have been spending a LOT of time together (too much) some with the knowledge of our spouses, and some without. Plus of course the texting. This has been going on for a few months (though we've been flirting for several years). We only admitted our feelings recently, which I thought would make the flirting go away and the feelings easier to handle if we were open about it, but boy was I wrong (duh!!). Just makes it so much harder. Anyway I really want this to stop. Well... I do and I dont. I miss him so much when I can't text, talk to, or see him, but I know its not good for me or my marriage. We have 7 kids between the two of us and good marriages so we have a lot to lose if we can't get this under control. Its not that my DH is a bad guy but he lacks a lot of qualities that I love about my AP as I'm sure is usually the case for most people in my predicament. However I'm sure its unusual for people to have an EA with someone so close to them... His kids are my neices for crying out loud, and my kids favorite Uncle. What the H@#$# is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

Welcome CL1982,
I'm glad you decided to post here. I have only been here a short time but there are many wonderful women and one man that have been very helpful to me in my time of need when my A ended several weeks ago.
My emotions are still very new and raw and I honestly don't have the best seasoned advice. I was told that NC (no contact) was the best way for me and xAP and the families to heal.
I can say that NC has helped me tremendously, but in your situation, that will be hard since your families are intertwined. Some women have been involved with men in their workplace and have had to deal with LC (limited contact) and keep the relationship professional. I would imagine you are going to have to follow that route of LC. And yes, the texting must stop.
I believe you already know the EA must stop because you came here for help and support. I'm sure you will find it here.
Take care!
Movingon
MovingON
Hi CL82,
I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I can't understand how difficult it would be for you when you are in company all the time.
I honestly don't know what to suggest, but I know the other great ladies here will have some experience in this kind of A.
I suppose amicable ending is best.
Just know that we're all here for you. I hope you can be around XAP and there's no D-Day and that life could perhaps be easier.
Texts stopping are the best advice. Although I myself caved under the influence last night.
At least when you're in each other's company, your spouses and children are there so that limits topic of conversation and anything more.
Good luck and let us know how you're gettin on.
Lots of love
PikuLou x
Welcome to Endings, CL. As the previous poster has already written, the text msgs have got to stop. Have you told him this has to end? Because he is family, this needs to be done immediately. You will both have to respect this boundary and it needs to be put in place pronto.
The connection needs to be broken. First stop with the texts, then if you do any emailing, you need to block him. Once the daily stuff stops, then you can start working on how you are going to react when family gets together. There is a thread in the Healing Library called, "How to Maintain LC at the workplace." Many of the techniques there can also be applied to situations where AP's are in close proximity to one another. I worked with my XMM and I had to stop all inappropriate contact and learn how to disengage my emotions. It took a long time, so be prepared to suffer silently for quite a while,
~Iddy~