New here...A ending...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2009
New here...A ending...
20
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 5:46pm

Hi everyone,
I've made the dreaded leap to EAS..no offense :).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 9:22pm

Welcome, Gray! I'm sorry I'm a little late chiming in. My EAS buddies have given you some great advice. Please, please, take it to heart. These gals know what they're talking about. They saved my sanity and my life. I agree with Iddy: meet with him if you must, but never let him see you sweat. It's not gonna be easy. Please come back to us when you're finished with him, because we care about you. You are in a safe place here and there are plenty of people to talk to. You did the right thing coming here.

Good luck, Gray! I am thinking about you!

CSN

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 9:51pm

touch of gray - just wait until you become a touch of yellow, red, orange, pink ... all the beautiful colours that surround you but have become washed out under the A cloud.

Being in Limboland - well, it is the worst place to be. You'll see that after even a couple of weeks NC. It is amazing how fast the fog will start to roll out and you'll really start to 'see'. This man was not your best friend - I am sorry, but it's true. I don't care what they say, keeping someone a secret and only giving them crumbs when they take take take - well that's not friendship. I haven't much time tonight, but I really wanted to share this letter with you. Please read it. It is my FAVORITE - it is a letter (long) written by a therapist to a woman ending an A (Feelin this is for you too):

The story you've told me - like the stories of many if not most 'other women' - is a story of personal humiliation. Sure, at the beginning, it seemed everything was up for grabs, all was possible, there was a sense of a possible future. In that scenario, the deception, lies, disloyalty and compromises could all be seen as short-term, necessary, mere temporary stepping-stones, and, above all, shared, mutual, part of a path both of you were on. In the cold light of early morning, it may not have felt that good. But it didn't yet damage your sense of self-worth, because there was hope of a different to-morrow.

It's the shared sense of commitment to some kind of future, which makes the distasteful elements of an affaire manageable. It may not be right, but it feels permissible, when two people want to be together. The compromises only really start to bite, when that future is cancelled, or hope is extinguished. Then the shoddiness of second-best, and secrets, becomes apparent. And self-esteem starts to vanish. That's what happened to you. You were put in your place. The terrible thing about that place, is that it means you have no right to any kind of consideration. Your feelings are not spared, as he talks of his wife and family and all he's doing with them and for them. You never win the time contest, if there's a conflict between some plan with you and a sudden family contingency. You are not minded, or cared for, when sick or distressed, or only within very strict limits. You are a secret, have no social standing as any kind of partner, must be denied on any accidental meeting even with acquaintances. There is very little honour in any of that. Low self-esteem is the inevitable result.

The problem with low self-esteem is that it often leads to us continuing in an impossible situation - in fact in the very situation which has handed our self-esteem such a serious blow in the first place. Apart from the fact that, rightly or wrongly, you loved this man, and as you explained, thought that seeing him even just the odd time would lessen the pain, what held you in there was the fact that you lost sight of what is right and proper. Low self-esteem leads people to believe, deep down, that they don't deserve any better, that whatever shoddy deal is handed to them is good enough, since they are so unworthy. So women stay - and men too, for affairs are not all a question of a single woman and married man.

That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation.

The problem is that dignity is precious, essential really, but it doesn't give us a lot of consolation. It does, however, give us the basis for building a happier future. So of course you're glad you pulled the plug on your relationship. Of course you feel good about it. Of course you're right that the woman who wrote, and prompted your own, letter will get through the terrible pain of ending her affair. You'll get through your sadness too. Just be patient with yourself. And pay attention to your self-esteem. It has been very badly bruised. In other words, you're still vulnerable. So take care.

(hugs)

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 11:36pm

tu, incredible post.

Gray, my affair lasted 3 years too. I know the feelings you describe, we all do. I hope tomorrow you stand strong and do it for yourself. My very best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 9:06am

You were his best friend, huh? Best friends can visit each other at their homes while their spouses are at home. Best friends are not hidden in a hotel room. Best friends know EVERYTHING about each other not just what the person tells them about themselves.


I agree with the person who wrote the post which asked you why you considered a man whom you could only see once a week and someone who is really wonderful to you. You have settled for seeing the man that you love and who supposedly loves you only once a week and you stayed satisfied with that and was glad that he graced you with his presence. You may not believe this right now but settling for so little from a man who is supposed to love you is tearing away your self-worth. I know you are going to meet this guy no matter what anyone tells you because you want one last tough/hug/kiss. You don't even know where this man has been or who he has been touching/kissing for all the weeks you haven't seen him. Don't settle for so little from a man. A man will only give you what you expect you deserve no more no less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:19am

Tu- You better put this post in your strength folder, woman. I am so happy to see how far you've come in your understanding of your situation. I could not have said it any better.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:49am

TU,


Honey, I put your post in MY strength folder. You are in the right frame of mind. I know those feelings of weakness still make their way into our daily life but they are really becoming less and less.


ToG, you got some really good advise and that just goes to show you how we have all BTDT. We know your pain, we know the lonliness that comes with it. Its no cake walk, thats for sure but once you start to regain your self worth, you will see that you really have had enough.


Im to the point now where I really feel sorry for XMM. He has many demons that he will never deal with. The ladies here have reached out their hands and pulled me out of the quick sand. They are the strongest women I have ever encountered. Listen to them, they will help you. You may doubt yourself right now but dont doubt what you hear on EAS, we are here to carry you till you can walk on your own.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:19pm

Touchofgray- Please post here after you see him. Let us know how it went, darlin. We are rooting for you!!!


Sending you strength,

Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2009
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 6:36pm

HI all


It's over...and I'm strangely ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 7:01pm

TOG,

Happy to hear from you, I was starting to think I scared you away. Good to hear you are strangely ok. :)
Please stay here and let us help you thru this. Thanks for the update. I was really thinking about you.

Stay in touch, stay around,

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2009
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 7:09pm

Thanks Luvin :)


My posts are short because I don't like to post alot of detail here...but I'm reading reading reading.

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