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|Tue, 10-23-2012 - 2:33pm|
Well I'm new here, though I've visited before just looking around, this is my frist post....I think I am finally ready to do what I need to end it with my AP. Everthing I have read has been really helpful, I dont feel so alone in this, but I also feel hope that things will get better, that this will get easier.
I saw him today, and we both said enough is enough..so I guess technically he's my xAP now.
So here's my story...
Met my AP in the building we both used to work in. At that point we were both married only a few years, no kids. Both unhappy for various reasons. Things quickly escalated...the attraction was unreal, physically & emotionally. My H found out about him but not everything - just enough to put us in therapy for a long time. I have to say that in a way it was a blessing he found out, because our marriage got so much better with therapy and hard work. Like many others here, I do love my H dearly, he is a great person and does make me happy. I did not think I'd ever meet someone else that I could feel that way about...someone I would connect with on an entirely different level.
My AP and I tried NC but it did not work, things only continued to escalate. We would talk every day on IM, try to sneak in quick visits when we could, and we both truly did fall in love. We both acknowledge this is wrong, it needs to stop, we love our spouses too. The range of emotions is just insane. I feel like I have spent the last few years not knowing if I am coming or going. We have tried NC so many times I cannot count them anymore. However the past six months or so things have shifted. We are past the point where there is anything to figure out here. I know now, as does he, that he is never leaving her. They have begun the adoption process and are currently legal guardians of three siblings. Soon the adoption will be complete. Ever since this happened earlier this year I have been trying to walk away, it was bad enough before but now with children involved I cannot do this to myself, or those kids. He said he made a choice and it's not about him anymore - it's abou the kids and his happiness is secondary. His relationship with his W is decent enough and now he has a family.
But of course, it's not that easy to walk away. He tells me that the change in his life has not changed how he feels about me, he's still in love with me. He doesn't know what to do anymore, he feels like he's goign crazy. I tell him that's too bad, because the adoption changed everything and seeing one another and talking just isn't possible anymore. He's made his choice, there's no turning back. In my heart I know him being my xAP is the best thing for both of us, our families, our lives. It is just so very very hard. We have both been weak, we have both broken the NC multiple times. I am really trying to find the strength to move on with my life, appreciate all I do have, and be happy. I hope this time we can both move on.