New here...EA

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
New here...EA
15
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 2:33pm

Hi All,

Well I'm new here, though I've visited before just looking around, this is my frist post....I think I am finally ready to do what I need to end it with my AP.  Everthing I have read has been really helpful, I dont feel so alone in this, but I also feel hope that things will get better, that this will get easier. 

I saw him today, and we both said enough is enough..so I guess technically he's my xAP now.

So here's my story...

Met my AP in the building we both used to work in.  At that point we were both married only a few years, no kids.  Both unhappy for various reasons.  Things quickly escalated...the attraction was unreal, physically & emotionally.  My H found out about him but not everything - just enough to put us in therapy for a long time.  I have to say that in a way it was a blessing he found out, because our marriage got so much better with therapy and hard work. Like many others here, I do love my H dearly, he is a great person and does make me happy.  I did not think I'd ever meet someone else that I could feel that way about...someone I would connect with on an entirely different level.

My AP and I tried NC but it did not work, things only continued to escalate.  We would talk every day on IM, try to sneak in quick visits when we could, and we both truly did fall in love.  We both acknowledge this is wrong, it needs to stop, we love our spouses too.  The range of emotions is just insane.  I feel like I have spent the last few years not knowing if I am coming or going.  We have tried NC so many times I cannot count them anymore.  However the past six months or so things have shifted.  We are past the point where there is anything to figure out here.  I know now, as does he, that he is never leaving her.  They have begun the adoption process and are currently legal guardians of three siblings.  Soon the adoption will be complete.  Ever since this happened earlier this year I have been trying to walk away, it was bad enough before but now with children involved I cannot do this to myself, or those kids.  He said he made a choice and it's not about him anymore - it's abou the kids and his happiness is secondary.  His relationship with his W is decent enough and now he has a family. 

But of course, it's not that easy to walk away.  He tells me that the change in his life has not changed how he feels about me, he's still in love with me.  He doesn't know what to do anymore, he feels like he's goign crazy. I tell him that's too bad, because the adoption changed everything and seeing one another and talking just isn't possible anymore.  He's made his choice, there's no turning back.  In my heart I know him being my xAP is the best thing for both of us, our families, our lives.  It is just so very very hard.  We have both been weak, we have both broken the NC multiple times.  I am really trying to find the strength to move on with my life, appreciate all I do have, and be happy.  I hope this time we can both move on.

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Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 3:11pm

Hi Forever, thank you for sharing your story with us and welcome. You've already been reading, so you know what lies ahead, and you already know that your story is my story, and all of our stories, there are some minor variations, but really its just the same old story, you have been living in a fantasyland with your xAP, you have lost all sense of reality, you have lost sight of what's important, just like I did when I was having an A, just like we all did. So, what next? Well, you already know that NC is essential, NC will set you free. I know at the moment Forever you feel like you've lost your soulmate, your one true love, but once you've got yourself out of the affair fog and back into reality, you will realise that's not the case. Your H is your one true love, you know you still love him, and I can assure you forever that your xAP's relationship with his W is more than decent .... they are going through the process of adopting 3 children .... that tells you all you need to know, he loves her, she loves him, they are committed to a life together forever, now with 3 children in their family.

It's now coming up to 7 months since I ended my A and I no longer have any fond feelings towards my xAP, when I think of him it's with a disgust, sadness and nausea of him and myself, of what we did, of how wrong it was, of how I allowed myself to be used and disrespected, how I disrespected myself and my H and children. I don't recognise the person I was then, ending my A and setting myself and him free was one of the best things I have ever done. Never mind what your xAP tells you Forever, words are meaningless, words are wind, hot air, it's actions that show us how a person feels and what they want, and your xAP has shown you where his love lies, what's important to him, where his future is going. It's all about you now Forever, you and your H, and your future. We are all here to guide you, help you and support you.

Much love Soglad x o x 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 3:50pm

Thank you SoGlad for the welcome, and I appreciate the support.

I do realize that some of my judgement is fogged by the affair, by things that are said...I know that to be the case.  I hope to move on to a life free from my attachment to him, but I'm not sure I could ever look back in disgust of what has happened, but that is just me.  In some ways, this has truly changed me forever.  It changed my relationship with my H forever.  Even he has said that he almost wouldnt know if he should kill my AF or thank him. 

Just because we met at the wrong place/wrong time doesn't mean it didn't mean anything.  It wasnt right and it wasn't going anywhere good, but it did happen.  I cannot dismiss that.  I am sure there are other people out there like me, we all have our own experiences. I am well aware that the loves his wife, I know he does, and I am fully aware of the choice he has made.  He has chosen HER, he has chosen the children they now have.  I do see the reality of that, and I know it is all for the best.  It doesn't make it any easier though.  Walking away, ending it, is probably the hardest part.  I'm hoping to gain support and strangth from others to help me through that process...I have no one to talk to about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 3:50pm

Thank you SoGlad for the welcome, and I appreciate the support.

I do realize that some of my judgement is fogged by the affair, by things that are said...I know that to be the case.  I hope to move on to a life free from my attachment to him, but I'm not sure I could ever look back in disgust of what has happened, but that is just me.  In some ways, this has truly changed me forever.  It changed my relationship with my H forever.  Even he has said that he almost wouldnt know if he should kill my AF or thank him. 

Just because we met at the wrong place/wrong time doesn't mean it didn't mean anything.  It wasnt right and it wasn't going anywhere good, but it did happen.  I cannot dismiss that.  I am sure there are other people out there like me, we all have our own experiences. I am well aware that the loves his wife, I know he does, and I am fully aware of the choice he has made.  He has chosen HER, he has chosen the children they now have.  I do see the reality of that, and I know it is all for the best.  It doesn't make it any easier though.  Walking away, ending it, is probably the hardest part.  I'm hoping to gain support and strangth from others to help me through that process...I have no one to talk to about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 9:30pm

Welcome changedforever3

We are here to support you through your ending.  I'm so happy Soglad knew enough to look down the page and so you were welcomed aboard...she's one smart cookie all around.

I'm glad you've done some reading here, too...so you know the drill, you know the score. I feel I should put a sign that reads "excuse our appearance while we are under construction."...I've been trying to get our Healing Library up and running again.

Soglad speaks the truth...an extremely painful truth to hear.  And we all understand it can be difficult to hear, especially while still encased in the fog, and to hear how our affair really didn't have much good meaning to it at all.  All it really meant was that two people were willing and able to collude with each other in the betrayal of their loved ones...period.  And more often then not, as the fog lifts, and we look around at the people who love us...at the people we made a commitment to...at all we stood to lose...well, I've seen it a thousand times..we can become sickened and frightened.  Sickened at how we allowed ourselves to engage in such a thing and frightened at what we stood to lose and frightened still knowing that the other shoe could drop, stiletto down, even after the affair has ended...because a discovery day can come at any time.

We are all here because of poor choices...so no judgement is passed.  We are all pretty fine people, and I hope you hang out with us to see just how fine and funny and fabulous we really are :)

But the truth must be spoken and turning to our affair is all about us and our shortcomings...the bottomline is always how we conduct ourselves...in any given situation.  And that's where we must eventually turn our attention, and it helps when we stop romanticizing the affair or making it out to be something it was not.  What we CAN do with it...to make some kind of meaning out of it...is turn it from a personal-crisis situation into an opportunity to learn from it and make some inner changes.

And I don't believe that we have to hate or even dislike our xaffair partner because to do so would mean that we have to hate or dislike ourselves.  We don't want to go there.  We are good people (although I have to admit that some xaffair partners do not fit in the good people category...some are just plain mean when push comes to shove), but we are good people who behaved badly.

It's in our best to interest to leave them to their own design to figure their life out on their own and to work on ourselves...to strive to be a better person who makes better choices who lives a better life...the honest life with integrity.  

I promise it will get better.  No contact is your friend. Just like sobriety is to an alcoholic. We know it hurts, we understand you will be going through withdrawals (see An Affair is an Addiction thread in the Healing Library), but please come here if you have the urge to break NC...we will talk you down off the ledge.  Do your best to block all avenues of communications...this works two fold...so you can't contact him during a weak moment and he can't contact you during a weak moment...and there will be many.

So, gear up and prepare to do battle against your addiction.  You have a whole army behind you...that's us :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 10:30pm

Hi again :)

I forgot to ask you how you have gone about protecting yourself.  Only because you've broken NC so many times, you need to come up with a different strategy.  

I'm thinking part of your new strategy was coming here, and that's really good.  

Do you live close by?  Is there the chance that you'll run into each other in a social setting?  You said you met in a building you both use to work at.  So you don't work together or in close proximity any more?

Just trying to get a sense so we can better support you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 7:55am

Thank you withclarity for your response, and for welcoming me and supporting me.

Thus far I have only blocked him on IM to protect myself...and well, I am here too.  I know I need to block his email too.  It's killing me to do that but again, I do know I can't truly move forward and heal from this if I don't.

As far as social situations - no there is really no chance we'd run into one another.  He still works in my area so it's possible he could show up at my office, but beyond that it would be hard to run into one another.  We work in a very densely populate suburban area with thousands coming here for work every day.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 9:59am

Hi Changed and welcome to our community.

Why aren't you ready to block his e-mail?  Don't answer me but ask yourself this question.  Are you expecting him to send you an e-mail?  What do you think that e-mail will say?  Do you think a final e-mail from him will make it easier, will make you feel better?  Do you think it will mean he cares?  No matter what it says, the feel goods will only be temporary and soon followed by pain and hurting.  That's why we say NC = No New Hurts.  I would also make sure to avoid any possible contact at your work building, such as parking in a different lot, using the stairs instead of the elevator, going to a different cafeteria for lunch... and also have an escape plan just in case.  You may want to take a look at the LC recommendations in the HL.

Are you still in therapy with your H?  If possible, you may also look into individual therapy for yourself to give you a safe place to discuss your xA.  Of course, we're not therapists, but we are always here tooWink.

Hugs,

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 11:27am

Hi Happy, thanks for the welcome :)

I know I need to block his email.  In doing that I will need to be prepared for him showing up at my office, because I'm pretty sure he will have a relapse when he can't get through to me via email, and I will see him waiting for me in the parking lot one morning.  Or he will call my office phone.

My H and I are not in therapy anymore.  We went to couples therapy for about a year and a half-two years.  During this time we both also went to therapy alone, seeing the same therapist. I have considered going back to therapy alone, to deal with my A, but at this point I worry that my H will wonder what's up.  We do have a good relationship now.  I also feel like I've been through so much therapy that I should really just know better!  The A needs to be over, now it is, and I know moving on is best for me to be truly happy.  Thought if it was that easy I wouldn't be here!

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 12:01pm

Does your xAP know that you have ended the A, it's over and you have decided to go NC? If not, have you planned on telling him?  You can either let him know or just walk away without a word.  This is a personal choice, only you know what's best for you.  

If you've alreday told him, all that's left to do is block.  If he tries to get through anyways, he's not being respectful of you and your decision and does not get any response.

If you plan on letting him know, keep it short and sweet, no emotion, zero wiggle room.  A short email saying "I've made the decision to commit 100% to my marriage. Our relationship is over.  I will no contact you, please do not contact me, if you do, I will not respond".  Right after you hit send, block.  If you need help blocking, just send me a PM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 1:21pm

Yes, he does know.  He stopped by my office to see me yesterday morning.  At that point I did willingly answer his call and go outside so we could talk in person. He told me he is still in love with me, but he knows this isn't good for either of us and we need to stop - he feels like a mess and it's starting to effect his personal & work life.  I agreed, I feel the same way.  We said goodbye and both said no calls, no texts, no email, no IM.

I had already had him blocked on IM, I did it last week while he was out of the country on business.  He contacted me while he was away and after that I blocked.

I know I need to block him via email...it is the only thing left to do.  My reasons for not doing it yet are absurd, and I know it.  There is no other option at this point.

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