New here...EA

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
New here...EA
15
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 2:33pm

Hi All,

Well I'm new here, though I've visited before just looking around, this is my frist post....I think I am finally ready to do what I need to end it with my AP.  Everthing I have read has been really helpful, I dont feel so alone in this, but I also feel hope that things will get better, that this will get easier. 

I saw him today, and we both said enough is enough..so I guess technically he's my xAP now.

So here's my story...

Met my AP in the building we both used to work in.  At that point we were both married only a few years, no kids.  Both unhappy for various reasons.  Things quickly escalated...the attraction was unreal, physically & emotionally.  My H found out about him but not everything - just enough to put us in therapy for a long time.  I have to say that in a way it was a blessing he found out, because our marriage got so much better with therapy and hard work. Like many others here, I do love my H dearly, he is a great person and does make me happy.  I did not think I'd ever meet someone else that I could feel that way about...someone I would connect with on an entirely different level.

My AP and I tried NC but it did not work, things only continued to escalate.  We would talk every day on IM, try to sneak in quick visits when we could, and we both truly did fall in love.  We both acknowledge this is wrong, it needs to stop, we love our spouses too.  The range of emotions is just insane.  I feel like I have spent the last few years not knowing if I am coming or going.  We have tried NC so many times I cannot count them anymore.  However the past six months or so things have shifted.  We are past the point where there is anything to figure out here.  I know now, as does he, that he is never leaving her.  They have begun the adoption process and are currently legal guardians of three siblings.  Soon the adoption will be complete.  Ever since this happened earlier this year I have been trying to walk away, it was bad enough before but now with children involved I cannot do this to myself, or those kids.  He said he made a choice and it's not about him anymore - it's abou the kids and his happiness is secondary.  His relationship with his W is decent enough and now he has a family. 

But of course, it's not that easy to walk away.  He tells me that the change in his life has not changed how he feels about me, he's still in love with me.  He doesn't know what to do anymore, he feels like he's goign crazy. I tell him that's too bad, because the adoption changed everything and seeing one another and talking just isn't possible anymore.  He's made his choice, there's no turning back.  In my heart I know him being my xAP is the best thing for both of us, our families, our lives.  It is just so very very hard.  We have both been weak, we have both broken the NC multiple times.  I am really trying to find the strength to move on with my life, appreciate all I do have, and be happy.  I hope this time we can both move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 4:42pm

Sunny, thank you for your post...it literally brought me to tears!  To know others go through the same thing and can come out ok on the other end really gives me hope.  I hurt SO much right now, but I know this is for the best.  I am so happy I found this board for some true support, I know I am finally ready to let go of the past and move on.  Just as you mentioned, I am needing true peace.  I am desperate for it. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and the words of encouagement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 4:13pm

Hi Changed and welcome to EAS!

My heart just broke for you reading your story because that was me just six months ago. I really identified with your XAP I too am an adoptive parent and I too chose my children first. My XAP was single. He has made his decision and he will not change his mind no matter how much it hurts to say goodbye. I think you know that no good will ever come from it. Like you we tried and tried to end it ourselves sometimes making it 10 days NC but one of us always broke it and we always ended up more hurt than before. It was endless torture, then one day I found this board and it has saved me and I hope in some way it has helped save him too. It had never occured to either of us to block so I know just how gut wrenching the notion is, but it works it really does.

An A has an expiration date and yours has arrived, you both know you won't be together, so everything from here on is just prolonging the enivitable and oh God how it hurts, reading your post brought it all back to me so vividly. You have to be the strong one, take Happy's advice, compose an email then block - every avenue, phone, social networks, everything. Your A is over now sweetie, everything else from here is just torture. It will hurt like nothing before, but I promise you in time you will feel better. Six months since blocking I no longer hurt the way you both do now. Do I still miss him? Every day, but I feel so much more at peace than I did when we were in contact. It comforts me to think that he is too. If you really do love him, let him go, and let both of you be the best you can be. Be strong you can do this.

Big Hugs

Sunny Soon Xxx

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 2:50pm

Okay...NC implemented...good good good.

Hold tight to the knowledge that you are doing the right thing.  It's going to help you through some strong urges to reach out.  

You're going to have to grieve this out, Changed...just like you have to grieve any other loss you've experienced in life.

You said something about a therapy for individual counseling.  There are any number of ways to get around that if you think your husband may become suspicious.  "A woman's issues" tends to have them glaze over and think no more about it.  You can come up with something, I know you can.  We became pretty crafty to juggle an affair...we can use this craftiness for good now :)

I think it's important to sit with a professional who can help delve into your core issues that go beyond our scope of support.  Please think about it...it's vital, imo.

Keep posting in to talk it out.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 1:55pm

Hi Clarity,

I actually do feel a little it better today!  I went home yesterday and had a really nice evening with my H, and this morning got to work feeling confident I am doing the right thing. 

You are right...I absolutely do not want a discovery day.  I need to make sure that never happens, because nothing good will ever come of it. You bring up a good point....have I made it clear that it is once and for all over?  There was no long discussion yesterday that that is it, this is the moment and day it is over for good.  We did say we need to stop and we should not contact one another.  Is there a need to say more, I don't know?  I suppose I'm worried if I do send one last email it could result in consequences I wont have the strength to deal with.  Maybe that's my answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 1:34pm

Afternoon Changed

I hope today you are more settled in and comfortable with your decision...knowing you are doing what is best for all concerned.

Happy's right NC = NO NEW HURT.  That's our Mantra around here.  Because from now on, further contact will bring new hurt...and pretty much at our own hands.  

She has you thinking with those questions to ask yourself. Remember, by going no contact and being true to your word, you are protecting yourself and all those unwitting players.  And, every time we 'go out' even just one more time, we push the envelope towards a discovery day...believe me, the hurt you will feel should this ever visit upon will be tenfold what you are feeling now.

Happy gave you the perfect words to use if you have not officially ended.  And it needs to be made official. Now if you think your last conversation indeed implied an official end to things, then we don't want you breaking NC to make it official again ;)

And Happy is correct in that once it's official then further communication only shows a total disregard of our wishes and a total disrespect to us.

I know how hard it is to take that final step...the shutdown of your email. You can only avoid that for so long...and the problem with keeping that open is that it still keeps you engaged in your mind as to whether or not you receive an email.  We want you to start to heal, and leaving the door open...even just a crack...is going to impede that.  So, you can rip the bandaid off slowly and subject yourself to ouch ouch ouch or you can just (((RIP))) that sucker off and start the process of healing and moving forward.  I've seen it too often...people holding off on that final step.  They go through the grieving process of the end...build up the strength to take the final step...and then find themselves going to the grieving process all over again.  It's best to just do it and get through it....once is enough, please.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 1:21pm

Yes, he does know.  He stopped by my office to see me yesterday morning.  At that point I did willingly answer his call and go outside so we could talk in person. He told me he is still in love with me, but he knows this isn't good for either of us and we need to stop - he feels like a mess and it's starting to effect his personal & work life.  I agreed, I feel the same way.  We said goodbye and both said no calls, no texts, no email, no IM.

I had already had him blocked on IM, I did it last week while he was out of the country on business.  He contacted me while he was away and after that I blocked.

I know I need to block him via email...it is the only thing left to do.  My reasons for not doing it yet are absurd, and I know it.  There is no other option at this point.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 12:01pm

Does your xAP know that you have ended the A, it's over and you have decided to go NC? If not, have you planned on telling him?  You can either let him know or just walk away without a word.  This is a personal choice, only you know what's best for you.  

If you've alreday told him, all that's left to do is block.  If he tries to get through anyways, he's not being respectful of you and your decision and does not get any response.

If you plan on letting him know, keep it short and sweet, no emotion, zero wiggle room.  A short email saying "I've made the decision to commit 100% to my marriage. Our relationship is over.  I will no contact you, please do not contact me, if you do, I will not respond".  Right after you hit send, block.  If you need help blocking, just send me a PM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 11:27am

Hi Happy, thanks for the welcome :)

I know I need to block his email.  In doing that I will need to be prepared for him showing up at my office, because I'm pretty sure he will have a relapse when he can't get through to me via email, and I will see him waiting for me in the parking lot one morning.  Or he will call my office phone.

My H and I are not in therapy anymore.  We went to couples therapy for about a year and a half-two years.  During this time we both also went to therapy alone, seeing the same therapist. I have considered going back to therapy alone, to deal with my A, but at this point I worry that my H will wonder what's up.  We do have a good relationship now.  I also feel like I've been through so much therapy that I should really just know better!  The A needs to be over, now it is, and I know moving on is best for me to be truly happy.  Thought if it was that easy I wouldn't be here!

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 9:59am

Hi Changed and welcome to our community.

Why aren't you ready to block his e-mail?  Don't answer me but ask yourself this question.  Are you expecting him to send you an e-mail?  What do you think that e-mail will say?  Do you think a final e-mail from him will make it easier, will make you feel better?  Do you think it will mean he cares?  No matter what it says, the feel goods will only be temporary and soon followed by pain and hurting.  That's why we say NC = No New Hurts.  I would also make sure to avoid any possible contact at your work building, such as parking in a different lot, using the stairs instead of the elevator, going to a different cafeteria for lunch... and also have an escape plan just in case.  You may want to take a look at the LC recommendations in the HL.

Are you still in therapy with your H?  If possible, you may also look into individual therapy for yourself to give you a safe place to discuss your xA.  Of course, we're not therapists, but we are always here tooWink.

Hugs,

Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 7:55am

Thank you withclarity for your response, and for welcoming me and supporting me.

Thus far I have only blocked him on IM to protect myself...and well, I am here too.  I know I need to block his email too.  It's killing me to do that but again, I do know I can't truly move forward and heal from this if I don't.

As far as social situations - no there is really no chance we'd run into one another.  He still works in my area so it's possible he could show up at my office, but beyond that it would be hard to run into one another.  We work in a very densely populate suburban area with thousands coming here for work every day.

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