new with coworker

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
new with coworker
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 11:34pm

I'm a 33 year old mother of one and married for 5 years...In the last few months I have developed a "friendship" with a coworker. I am a RN and hospital manager and technically his "boss". He is 8 years younger than me and we have known each other for approx 2 months. Our friendship has escalated to a powerful attraction and the other evening after going out to meet his new girlfriend he confronted me about his feelings (after his girlfriend left and after too many glasses of wine). He stated that he respected me and my relationship with my husband and daughter enough that he would never try to sleep with me etc) and the night ended with him kissing me on the forehead and sending me on my way. The next day at work we met several times to discuss the previous night. He feels that we can still be friends and even go out as couples together. He doesn't want to give up our friendship...I feel that it is best to not remain friends, to end the infatuation and to have a professional relationship only. Although i realize this is not a physical affair...I certainly am infatuated with this individual and believe that it is an emotional affair. I certainly have much more to lose than this person and am desperatly trying to gain control of my emotions and the situation. Do any of you who have been down this road have any suggestions on how to fight these powerful feelings?. How do I go about doing this when I see this person on a daily basis. How do I end this relationship that we both so desperately want?? HELP!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:18am
I'm worried for you! I have to tell you that you do have a whole lot on the line! A husband, a child, and your job! I don't have any desire to be hard on you here! I do have a strong desire to see you snap yourself out of this. This man may flatter you! But, it won't be worth it in the long run!

A good way for you to determine how to end it is to imagine the worst possible scenario here. Now, imagine the best possible scenario. It usually ends up somewhere in the middle! Would it be worth it? All affairs whether they are discovered or not cause a ripple effect. Just like throwing a stone in a completely still pond. It goes on and on! And the ripples are those we neglect and those we hurt during the A. After it ends, and thru the healing! Don't become a statistic Baby!

Read the other posts here. We have married people who have been involved in affairs that were emotional only, physical, long term and short term. They are all devastating!

I do care about you! I care much about every person here! After you read this look into the eyes of your child! Really look! And ask yourself if this is anything you would want them to entertain the thought of for even one second?

I also ask you to look inside yourself and wonder why after only 5 yrs. of marriage you would even consider an affair? Be it emotional or physical, it's the same thing.

Do you love your husband? You have an extremely hard job. What do YOU NEED TO KEEP YOU HAPPY AND SAFE?

Don't let me scare you away! Come here and talk you'll get lots of good advice from those of us who threw that stone in the still pond!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 6:32am
Dear artiemac

You are in a very delicate situation where you are not sure which direction you must turn too. Obviously there is something missing in your marriage and you have maybe subconsciously looking for that ‘little something’ which you have never put a word to describe it but found it in your co-worker.

Your case is very similar to my friend. Happy marriage, supposedly but there was always something missing which she couldn’t identify as what. Met a colleague and felt the attraction and connection. Now she questioned herself and didn’t understand why she does it because her husband loves her and vice versa. She knew this man is no good for her but she cannot understand why she was ‘addicted’ to him. Guilt and a burning desire took a toll on her. She became so disturb by the changes and it affected her life to the extend that she wanted to commit suicide. But she took a step by seeking help of a counselor. It’s been two months now and she knows where her direction is going to be and she is not anymore afraid to deal with her emotions. What you need to know is that before you proceed any further, you need to understand yourself and why you are feeling this way. Otherwise, you will always have this ‘tiny little feeling’ and fall for the next potential man that fits the dream. Please e-mail me if you like as I like to further explain of her situation to you.

living again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 8:14am

I think you know what you need to do - the friendship is dangerous for you, you DO have a lot more to lose than he does, and I think your only option is to make it strictly professional. He may think that you can be friends and go out as couples, but you know that isn't the case... If you don't want this to turn into more than an emotional affair, and you want to end the emotional affair, end the friendship.

Trust me, it's NOT worth it, and you ARE playing with fire if you try to keep him in your life, and you will get burned. Not maybe... If you want to save your marriage, you can't have this man in your life. And no, it won't be easy if you have strong feelings for him... but it's so much better to end it now when you have nothing to truly regret or feel guilty about... you do NOT want to know how much worse it can get if you cross the line with him - really you don't...

Hugs and good luck