New here...post D-day

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
New here...post D-day
1
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:55pm

Hi. I'm a stay-at-home mom of 6 kids, married for 16 years, and this is my 3rd A. My husband must be a saint to give me this last chance. He is trapped, has nowhere to go, and despite my awful and selfish behavior, he loves me and wants our children to be raised by both of their parents.

My neighbor and I had been flirting at parties for several months. A lingering touch when passing drinks, a wink across a room, friendly teasing and ribbing. Everyone likes him--he's funny, and he hangs out with all of the neighbors, joking and laughing into the wee hours of the morning.

And after one party at my house, when it was just my husband, AP and me left at the party, H went inside to get a trash bag, and AP took my hand, and I leaned in and kissed him. The next day, I dropped his son off, and we kissed again in his garage. We exchanged texts for a week, and then we met. We went on like this, meeting once a week, for the past 4 months. I've walked on a dark snowy night to his house when his wife was out of town, I've met him and ridden in the back seat back into the neighborhood to go to his house when she was at work, we've done it in my driveway in my car, in his truck, and in his guest bedroom twice. We exchanged naughty pix via text, we texted dirty sex stories, and we had phone sex 5 times.

We talked every afternoon on his way home from work. We would usually text as he drove to work at 6am. We would text while in the room with our spouses.

My H began to get suspicious of my "deathgrip on the phone." He pulled the phone records (which are in my name, but that did not stop anything). The 1000+ texts a month, and the 60+ pic texts a month could not be explained by anything but the truth. He called me last Friday from work to tell me. He didn't know it was the neighbor at first, because the phone isn't in his name. But he called the guy, and recognized his voice instantly.

H told me that the only chance (and its not a guarantee) for reconciliation and forgiveness is for me to confess the truth. I did give him a watered down version: I told him we've had sex once a month (in his truck I said, leaving out the ugly details). However, I came clean about the texting, pix & phone sex. I was painfully honest: the sex was great, he is fun and funny, I like him and enjoy his company.

I also said I agreed to give 100% to my husband and marriage, with no more cheating. He called xAP to tell him that we would NEVER tell his wife, and that the whole matter would NEVER be repeated to ANYONE. XAP apologized, asked for forgiveness, and vowed to never contact me again. I did request one last call for closure, but I did say that I didn't know if I would be ending it or not. H agreed to the call, and said that if I am not supposed to stay, or if I don't want to stay, he wasn't going to stand in my way...

So today I texted xAP. Rather than the sweet, funny, warm voice, it was like ice. Fearful, nervous. I told him H knew about the call, and he was OK with it. I said I was sorry, he also apologized. I said I'd never forget it. He agreed. I told him I came clean with all of it, but assured him that it was not to throw him under the bus, because H and I would never bust him at home. I told him I would never forget it, and he said he wouldn't either, but I told him we couldn't be seen together. He agreed to never again go to a neighborhood function. And the matter was closed with a cold goodbye.

And I have my closure. Sure, I think of him. A lot. I hear my text tone and think of him. I can see his house from my mailbox, and I think of him. But he has a room in his house he can't look at without thinking of me. He has a truck he can't ride in without imagining me on the back seat. He has a door to his house he can't look at without remembering that I snuck in through it. And I have the luxury of having freed myself with the truth. He is surrounded by reminders, and is still trapped by the secret.

My H liked him. He lost a friend. Our kids play together, sleeping over each others' houses at least twice a month. The weirdness around that will never end. The 5 families that get together almost every weekend will abruptly and permanently lose a friendly face at the parties, and no one will understand why. Our affair cost him friends, neighbors, even the comfort and peace of his own home. I know sex with our spouses pales in comparison to our sex; that was the original premise of the entire A: the sex was too good to stop, and we said it aloud many times. And for all I know, he had started to have feelings beyond "just sex." And I know it had certainly gotten way more emotional than I was willing to admit, and I know this by how many things about him I really miss and long for right now: the smell of his laundry detergent on his clothes, the feel of his hands on me, the way he would sigh, "Oh, shoot," at the end of his workday. The way we would tease and flirt. And how friendly and funny he was.

Instead of keeping him at a distance and keeping him in my life as a friend, we took it to a dangerous place, and now we will probably never see or speak to one another again. We greedily stole from each other, and it doomed us to silence, to being complete strangers.

I am grieving many losses: I am grieving that my H will probably never trust me again. I am grieving the loss of hours of time I didn't spend with my kids and H because I was concentrating my physical or mental energy on the A. I am grieving the loss of my own integrity, because I don't see how I could ever earn H's trust in ten lifetimes. I am grieving the loss of his company: H was either unavailable or clingy with insecurity. I am grieving the loss of the sex: it was hot, raw, fun and forbidden. I am grieving the loss of a friend: we can never have anything normal between us again. And I am grieving for all the people here who will never socialize with this fun-loving, happy person again.

I am sad. And ashamed. And sorrier than words can share.

But I am grateful for the opportunity to be free of it, for second chances, and for being on a road to completion. I have been reading your words, all of you, for 3 hours. I have been to MAS, but never here. I thank you for your vulnerability and your hope. I will be here often.

Now I just need to breathe...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 3:12am

What,


Welcome to Endings and I am happy you are reading the threads. Be sure to read the Healing Library too. There is a thread on D-Days that will reinforce what you seem to already know, and reading the pain of others will help you to feel so not alone. Many D-days turn into spouses wanting to save their marriages after the dust of destruction settles. Because affairs are not new to you, I would also suggest that making an appointment with a therapist would be a good idea. Your H sounds very forgiving but I also see a codependency thing going on here as well. Have the two of you ever had MC? It would certainly be worth looking into.


I

   ~Iddy~