New here..should I be here..please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2010
New here..should I be here..please help!
3
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 12:48pm

Hi all...I am posting on here wondering if it's the right place to be...I started out on MAS with the following story, but at this point I think I need to accept things and try to heal. It seems as if most on here have ended it themselves because they're not getting what they wanted, however he has ended it because of what he can't give me :(. Here is what I posted on MAS:

Well..I figured I would post my story however sad it is to say he just ended our relationship yesterday which I'll mention at the end...
I am a 39 yo MW with 2 children in an A with 48 yo MM...we met over a year ago on Ashley Madison not really knowing what to expect as we were both new to this-I was moreso just curious at the time because nobody would ever believe I would do something like this (as most of us I'm sure). Long story short we fell in love and felt as if we were soulmates...saw each other almost every day and it was a very intense relationship..thoughts of even being with each other some day. We struggled at times because he is a religious man and he did have some guilt at times. My husband ended up finding out and it changed everything...I wrote his wife a letter telling her because I didn't think it was fair that I was in so much pain (very selfish on my part I know). I continued to try to contact him because I didn't want it to end. My H and I had started counseling as we still struggle to this day. At the end of the year last year I saw him at the mall and we spoke..he had a card for me and we started seeing each other for coffee occasionally (as friends even though I wanted much more). Well, it became much more however he was pretty adament about it being very different this time in that we couldn't have the R we had last year...see each other much less and it needed to be much more casual. For the past several months I have been unhappy with this as I need more and it hasn't been pleasant feeling like FWB...however he said it wasn't like that and that he has deep feelings for me but that he just couldn't give more. This week I went into one of my down modes and unfortunately brought it up to him...huge mistake! Here is my post from another thread:

Hi..
Well, my fear has come true and I am devastated. It's all my fault for bringing up all of these emotions I have been feeling. I think I pressured him to the point of making this decision. He has said that the guilt and the desire to do the right thing has become more powerful than the pain our relationship has had...he says he doesn't want to put us through this again. What am I to do? I am a mess and hy H has already asked what's wrong and if I want to talk about it. Should I try to convince him to stay in the relationship?...I'm sure not! I have a feeling he won't come back ever either because he says he will never hurt me again like this and he will will fight the desire to see me with a passing thought for as long as he has to--I guess I truly believe him this time.
I guess I need to move over to EAS...unless being my pitiful self anybody has advice how I can keep the relationship alive :( :( :(
Should I tell him I will be here when he's ready to come back? I feel like if I don't tell him that, he won't because that will make him fight it more...

Ok...so that was my post and since then he said he plans on sending me some thoughts as I did not contact him yesterday and I wait. He said he wants to have some contact but rare because of the fact that we have a past...however I know I have to let him go despite the fact that I would want more...

I need help through this as I already feelas if I need to tell him I miss him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 3:35pm

Tnsnew,


Welcome to endings and although it sounds like you'd rather not have to be here, this is the place to go when we know in our hearts of hearts that the A is over. One thing your Xmm said is very important to focus on, and you need to start respecting it.


<>


Many of us have heard and said the same words. The guilt we/they've experienced outweighs the highs of an affair, and we/they know that something's got to give...which would be "giving" up your AP. All affairs come to an end one way or another, but at least you received some sort of explanation. Many do not.


I hope you have already delved into the Healing Library that is loaded with wisdon, insights, how-tos, what to dos, etc. Ending an A is like ended an addiction that has it's claws in you. It won't be easy to extricate them,

   ~Iddy~ 


Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 3:20pm

Hi Iddy,


I am also a newbie to this board...I have been posting on MAS for a little over a week now after reading alot of the posts for a few weeks prior...not sure if you had a "rollcall" post so I am responding to this one since it is pretty appropriate for my situation as well.


Just an overview...I have been with my AP for just about a year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 6:39pm

HOS,


Everything I wrote to the original poster I would say to you, so I won't repeat myself, but know that being away on vacation is not ending your A. You have to say the words to him that it is over or else go complete NC once you are back in town. From the sound of it, other than the addiction which we all know to well, your AP just waits in the wings for you to reach out to him. For those of us on this board

   ~Iddy~