New Hurt.....
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| Sun, 12-19-2010 - 1:01am |
Almost 4 weeks NC and i was going well, the first week was brutal, felt like i was mourning a death, but i was beginning to feel OK after that, and i was becoming very strong and determined. Focused on staying NC has been my mission, and i have been doing EVERYTHING in my power to remain that way.
Today EMM contacted me via text message, i read the message and it felt like a big stab in the heart, i broke out in a cold sweat, my heart was racing, and i started to feel that nauseating A feeling again, the one that missed him and longed for him, that text caught me off guard and i felt sick again.
In case you are wondering how he got through, to recap EMM is currently overseas (with his family), and has attempted to call me on several occasions, from various phone lines, so i never knew that it was he, when i did answer and heard his voice, i have hung up, he probably thinks i'm a @#$%#, but there is nothing more to be said what's the point. So yes there were 'no new hurts' during those instances, i was a little shaken but i was OK after that. I am quite certain he has sent emails, but i have never logged into that account i used to correspond with him since going NC, didn't want the hurt.
Today was the first text i received from him, displayed as an unidentified phone number, once i opened the text and read it i instantly knew who it was from, it was too late. The text

BTDT sounds good, until you fail and your heart is broken again.
With Christmas week, Holidays, etc., if there is a time for fishing, it's coming. BE PREPARED.
RatherBeMe..........who's BTDT and is doing it again.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Vanessa, forgive me for not remembering, but does your XAP know this A is over? Have you told to NOT to contact you ever again? Have you made this clear to him how selfish this is? If so, then it's time for a new cell phone #. Whatever fib you have to tell family and friends..whether you lost your phone and someones is running up charges, or you are getting too many unknown calls that are driving you nutso, you must do something to stop him from getting through. I am so grateful that texting was not around when I ended my A. It can be so invasive to ones privacy AND in your case, healing. Yeah, I work with my Xmm, and the first 2 years out were h3ll on wheels, but over time the emotions fade and that chemistry crap turns more to disgust over how I could have let this MM come within 2 feet of me. Time does heal, and perhaps it's time to tell your XAP to get the F out of your life. Put your foot down, woman.
((Hugs)))
Sorry that you are hurting lady. You may have to just change that number. I did. It was the final step to end it. I
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I know exactly how you feel - its as soon as we hear or seen something from them that we start second guessing our decisions because we FORGET why we decided to go no contact in the first place and the resons dont seem as important as they did a month ago.
'Second guessing' yes exactly, its like those 2 sentences gave me amnesia.
I have SO many reasons for not wanting him in contact with me. First and foremost, i never had a Dday, i don't want to lose my H or my family, he did have a Dday and i'm scared he is increasing the risk here. I am a different person to what i was a month ago, thanks to this board i have educated myself to know now what this A crap is all about. So i have been vigilant with NC, and have invested all my energy towards remaining that way, i know its the only way, and i know it works.
xxxxx
xxxx
Iddy 2 years OMG!!!!!! That would be plain and simple torture, a living hell alright. I read a couple of sentences and i was all shook up and felt nauseous again, i couldn't begin to imagine what it would be like seeing him infront of me on a daily basis.
Yes he definitely knows its over, i believe my last words were 'contact me only and when you are legally a single man, otherwise please respect me and my family to live our lives the same way i have respected you and yours, enough damage has been done'. That was sent to him via text a month ago to this date. It aggravates me when he tries to contact me, what is he trying to do here. I have avoided changing my number for business reasons, but i will be rethinking this. I am thinking about threatening him with telling his W, she found out about us not that long ago, and she has given him this chance, and look what he's doing while on holidays with her, disgraceful!!!
xxxxxx
I thought i was prepared, but i wasn't. It is SO hard. I wish i never met him, i wish i never got myself involved with this crap. Life has so many beautiful things to offer and instead i made this terrible choice to disrespect my H and family.
I was hoping, given the season, EMM would focus on his family, but instead he wants to keep on torturing me. Wish he would leave me alone.
xxxxx
You have the power to take back your self worth and self esteem and you have the power to stand up for yourself and let this MM know that you are not going to be his partner in crime while he is cheating on his W. He knows that he can worm his way back into your life because you haven't shown him you are serious. He is on holiday with his W kissing up to her and telling her how badly he wants to be M and he is texting and calling you trying to keep his play thing (YOU) on the side. If you really want it to end for good, tell him that you mean it when you told him you will no longer be his secret woman on the side. I think threatening to tell his W is an excellent idea even if you don't go through with it. The last thing he wants is for you to come out of hiding and enter into his RL. Who cares if he gets mad at you. It is an insult that he thinks that you will stay hidden while he lies to and cheats on his W. This man knows that you have given him your power and he knows what buttons to push and what words to use because you have shown him that you are willing to settle for his lies and games. You have to turn your thinking around and make yourself believe that you are much better than being someone's side dish and it is an insult to you for a man to even want you to stay hidden and out of sight from their RL.