new & hurting..BAD!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
new & hurting..BAD!
11
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 6:01pm

Hi1 So glad I found this site. There is literally nobody I can talk to about this without receiving harsh judgement.


I had an affair that began thru a social networking site. I reconnected w/ a childhood friend. We hit it off right away. Just friends at first. he was so incredibally funny and everythihg my H was not. It progressed to flirting via e-mail, texting,web chatting, then eventually one fateful night of actually meeting and having sex. I didn't want to for fear of it ending our fantastic friendship. As it turns out I was so right!


We used to text arount 80 x's a day, e-mail daily, and web-chat at night for around 3 hours! Now, after that "night" of meeting, we prob text 4 times if THAT. In his texts he is always very cold, and it will take him hours to respond to one of my texts. I have e-mailed him telling him that it's obvious he isn't interest anymore, and I release him of having to "talk" to me, but he continues to drivel out these worthless texts-which are always about HIM by the way. He never asks about me or what I'm doing. Whereas three weeks ago, he couldn't get enough of me telling him everything! He made me feel so important and needed. Everything I was lacking from my own H.


I in turn helped him thru many of his marital problems. We were absolutely best friends! Now, it feels like we are total strangers who never even knew each other!


That's why it's so painful. I KNOW he doesn't need me anymore, and I am doing REALLY great as far as nopt texting, no matter how much I yern to hear from him. Should I ignore all his stupid texts & let this baby die out? Or do I remain on this confusing "friendly" terms with him?


I just don't understand why he hangs on & won't let it go. Is it out of guilt that he just used me & once he got what he wanted- he know longer needed me? Which makes all that we shared a farce-on HIS part! I'm such a fool!


I'm also feeling like when we met he was extremely dissapointed in me. He'd created this fantasy woman in his mind, and the "real" me didn't quite measure up. What a blow to my self esteem. First I feel like garbage for cheating on my H, now I feel like garbage b/c I wasn't pretty or whatever enough.


Thanks for letting me vent. I sound pathetic I know. It's because i am.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 2:58am

Hi, feelin

This is my first post. I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm soooo glad you posted here! You're definitely not alone. I too was dumped by my xSTBAP after the first time and I know the hurt you're going through. I asked myself these questions over and over again, what did I do wrong, am I THAT ugly, am I THAT lousy a laid? And mostly, was the friendship THAT insignificant to him, that he can discard it without a second thought?

Truth is, he is not your friend and never was. He had something very specific that he wanted from you and it was not friendship. Ignore his texts, or better yet, cut all avenues of contact, e-mail, social networking accounts, cell phone. When I was fresh out of the A, I was feeling so low I didn't bother to change my e-mail address because I didn't think he would ever contact me again. Now I'm in the process of closing my e-mail account and it's empowering! This is saying to myself: he probably won't, but IF he tries to contact again some day, I'm not there for him. This is how I put my needs first.

Try not to obsess about what his motives were. Whatever they were, it's over now. Focus on your healing, you'll need all your energy for that. Be kind to yourself, you're not a bad person, you just made some bad choices.

And don't peek on his profile or site or whatever. I know, it's hard, he is just one click away from you. But you'll just hurt yourself more, you'll get to watch how wonderful things are for him, because that's what people show on a networking profile. Come here instead, read, post, vent, but don't go there.

Healing is probably taking longer than you think. You are lucky to have found this board early in the process. I went through the initial stages feeling terribly alone. I was in T, but I didn't have all the information and support this board offers. Be patient with yourself and read, read and read some more.

What I do regret is telling people close to me about it. They didn't offer any significant support (not that they were unkind, it's just that they've never BTDT, you know?) and I felt very ashamed that they knew about this huge misstep I took.

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing. I look forward to hearing from you.
Big (((hugs)))

Prue




Edited 5/7/2010 3:20 am ET by prudence10

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