New, It's Over, Confused....
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| Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:45pm |
Our affair began as a friendship. MM has been married two years, unhappily, and no kids. I am married with a couple of kids. I met MM when I was going through a hard time in my life, in particular a painful affair I was having with another man. MM was devoted to me as a friend, and he was also deeply in love with me. I did NOT feel the same way. Besides, after my terrible affair with someone else, I was terribly against affairs. So, MM and I agreed that affairs were terrible, and we agreed never to ruin our wonderful friendship by becoming romantically involved.
Then his office transferred him across the country. Suddenly, it seemed like now or never to BOTH of us. We both feared losing one another if we did NOT act on our feelings before he moved away. So we did. And it was wonderful, loving, special, etc., and I felt the love. I fell. When he left, we pledged our devotion, and we agreed to make it work.
The trouble was, once he got to his new city, he was less devoted to me. He still called me every day, emailed me, text messaged, etc., but something had changed. I could sense that he was pulling away as he became enmeshed in his new life. Complicating matters was that his wife had to quit her job in order to move with him, and he felt guilty over that. Over the course of the next few months, I could feel him withdrawing, but he would always tell me I was wrong, that he wanted me, wanted us, that he didn't love his wife, that he wanted to be with me, that it was not a matter of IF we would be together but WHEN and HOW. I was sad a lot, felt neglected. He had to explain himself a lot to me. I became more insecure, and he was apologetic, admitting that he was not treating me the way he had promised but also admitting that he did not know how to change.
Well, it was always planned that he would return to my city for a two week period around the holidays, without W, and we would spend our time together. But before he arrived, he changed the two weeks to 10 days and then a week, and then it became clear that he had a lot of things to do and people to see besides me, and we had a huge fight over this, and it led to him saying that he could not be in an affair, that it was not right for him, for us, that we were destroying what we had.
He swore up and down that his feelings for me did not change at ALL. He just was uncomfortable in an affair, that his weird behavior toward me all along was due to that discomfort and that he wanted to get back to where we could be happy together again, even if it meant not having a sexual relationship. He told me he still wants me, desires me and loves me deeply but that he can't have an affair.
At first I was okay with it. And then I wasn't. And then I was. And then he arrived in my city, and we were hanging out together, and he kept telling me how much he loves me and being really, really physical and flirtatious, and I started to think that maybe he was changing his mind. But when I asked what the deal was, he said he was touchy-feely with me because he is so attracted to me, but he still cannot have an affair.
I was upset and hurt and told him I couldn't be friends with him if he was going to give me mixed signals, and then HE was hurt because he couldn't understand how I could throw away our friendship. So, the night before he left, he ended up coming over and sitting in my front yard with me into the wee hours of the morning, while my husband slept upstairs, and we talked and talked and cried and talked, and somehow, we both did end up feeling okay with it all.
BUT.....the thing that gets ME is the pain of rejection...that he was ABLE to reject me. That he could resist the impulse to be with me. He wanted me so desperately, and once he HAD me (and it was only ONCE), he started to pull away. He doesn't love his wife. But he doesn't want to change his life. And so I am the one who ends up getting rejected, at least as a lover. In truth, I am okay with it in the sense that I don't want to be in an affair either, and frankly the sex was nothing to write home about. BUT once I was in the "affair", I didn't want it to be over. Now, we have this really flirtatious and intense friendship that is all about love, love, love, and it might as well be an affair, except that but we are never going to act on it. And I don't want to act on it. But I do! See how confused I am?
I feel very drained emotionally, happy but sad, relieved that we still have an "us", but sad that he will be sleeping with his wife and our love will never be physical again. And he is back in his new city halfway across the continent.
I need some support, some input, some insight. Can anyone help me? Does anyone have any comments?
Lotus

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I think anyone who gets into an affair suffers from a lack of self esteem (including myself).
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)
Yes, like you, we started off as friends. We're co-workers, and I went through a very difficult period knowing my husband was in an affair. My xOM was a very good friend who was there for me and gave me the assurance that I was ok and not the useless wife I thought I was - and he assured me of all this without even knowing what my husband was up to. Eventually I told him about my husband's affair and he assured me even more, and then things started to develop romantically. We fell in love with each other and we had a few weeks of being on cloud nine. Then we both realised that this was not healthy, our affair was turning me into someone I was not (I was lying to be with him). Plus, the fact that I could not give him 100% commitment was this huge barrier. We never had sex, and we in fact both told each other that we could do without the physical contact because our friendship was more important. So things started to taper off, and I must admit that he was the strong one in initiating minimal contact, not me. It was agony, and the heartache I felt was horrible.
We're now 'just friends' and he's moved on much faster than I have, because I still think of him way too much and way too fondly for a married woman. But he came into my life when I needed a friend, and I will always be grateful to him for his friendship. I'm not rock-bottom any more, and what used to be my put-on happy face is now genuine. I've accepted that I'm in a marriage which I am going to work on, because that's what marriage vows are about, to have and to hold, for better or for worse. In my lifetime, I know I am going to come across friends whom I love but cannot cross the platonic boundary over, because I am MARRIED. I just hope I have the strength to resist the temptation, now that I know how much pain is involved once you cross that platonic boundary.
Good luck, post often, we'll support you!
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