New to this ...My story, PLEASE help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
New to this ...My story, PLEASE help
6
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 8:46pm

I am new to this board. I am struggling and happy to have a place to talk. I have kept to myself for so long. I am married. Have been for almost 8 years. My marriage has always been rocky. Some good times, but mostly bad. The man I am involved with is also married. He is also my MM's ex-coworker and friend. He and my husband were friends, he would come over and hang out. When I first met him he was not married. He had two children, as do I. My husband's job relocated him and he and the guy lost contact over some time. I never even looked at him other than as a friend of my husbands. I ran into him one night with some friends. I went to him and said hello. I was hoping he did not tell my husband he saw me out. That evening, mm confessed that he had always liked me and he stopped coming around becuase he was really attracted to me and he even told me what I had on the first day he saw me. He also told me he felt bad and just chose to stay away. I was blown away and completely surpised. I was also flattered. I was at a real low point at that time, so it was good to hear. I am an atty. and he told me that he was divorcing his wife. He told me he was in the process or who was getting what. He asked me for some legal help. That was how the whole thing began. He would ask me questions and we would talk on the phone. I would help w/things and then things progressed. It has been 2 years now and I have tried to let go. He never left his wife and the minute she even thought of me, she became pregnant. He lied to me for fear of hurting me and he says she uses the children to keep him there. Deep down I think otherwise. I do believe he is unhappy but I know he will not leave three young boys. I stopped communicating with him for 6 months. Then just recently we started seeing eachother again. I told myself I could handle it and that I could control my emotions. I am wrong. I love this man. His wife harassed me for some time. I guess one would say rightfully so. I never admit to anything. Just talking. She now knows nothing about us. She thinks I ended our so called "friendship" months ago. And we had for minute. As far as my situation, I am seeking a divorce and have made plans to get a new place for the kids and myself. I would be miserable anway. I am not leaving my husband with hopes of being with the MM. I know that is unrealistic. I have to really tried to let him go. But for some reason, it has been really difficult. I am just looking for feedback. I am really tired of hurting. I really think I want to end things but I know that there are things I will continue to long for. We hardly speak. The W checks his phone bill monthly for calls. We communicate thru a mutual friend. We are supposed to take a trip together. I have planned it several times and he has canceled once. I thought about going on the trip and then ending it. I must admit I was excited about walking in public and going to dinner and shopping. Things he claims to long for too. I obviously need some feedback. I am confident that I can have NC after the trip (even if it happens) but I know I will burn. I burn anyway though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:45pm

Jaden

If you want it ended then you end it and that means no trips NO CONTACT no nothing were he is concerned, it's all the way out or your only going to keep falling back into this time and again, trust me you only want to end it once.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 3:59pm

Siennajaden:

I must agree with Free. If you are planning to end it, it before the trip. This way you will not have added to the "bank" of memoroies. NC is the most difficult thing I went through, but it gave me the time and distance I needed to start thinking rationally again--this was not happening when I was obesessing over closure or one last conversation or one last...

End it and start living your life for your children and yourself. You will need the focus for ending marriage not ending your affair.

Good luck. You have a massive undertaking a head of you.
gal-winnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:18am
I just wanted to bump my own post so I can more more feedback. I Thank those of you who have responded already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:45am

i was reading your post and i am sorry u are feeling sad, we all feel sad when we cannot be with the one we think we are in love with

looks like he was there when u were the most vunerable, he gives u attention etc, u mentioned that u are getting D, maybe u should concentrate on that and giving your kids the attention they will need whern the D is going on

i dont know, i dont have kids and im male so my perspective from yours may not be the same but i know the emotions are realy and it hurts and pain u

i owuld not go on the trip anymore, it will only deepen the pain , easy for me to say but i have been in your shoes also, i would be wanting to go for one more time but u know that it will only make u more miserable in the end

i know u are conflicted, this emotions we feel is so overwhelming, i guess what i am trying to say is do u want to be second banana to him, just waiting for him to spend time with u, always at his own time, as for me i was always the spare tire, OW can only spend time with me when she has time, i ask for time but most of the time she cannot be with me and spend time with me, so that feeling is so gut wrenching, u feel more miserable and happy most of the time

i wish i have good insights for u, but in the end, its how much u can take, its all up to u to live your life

take care,max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:25pm

Max,

I really appreciate your response. I am really struggling right now. I am hoping I get more feedback from folk like yourself. I really feel like my marriage is not even clear because my head is preoccupied with MM. However, I know I no longer love my husband like a wife should. I know this is because of MM. MM got in because I was so unhappy with my marriage. He seemed like such a breath of fresh air. Please, let us continue our chats. It can only help. I too have some things to share. Look forward to hear from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:53pm

hi s,

if u said u no longer love your H then i suggest that u take care of that issue first, an affair with MM will only complicate things emotionally and maybe some more if u decide u will get a divorce from your H

i think u know that MM is not the answer why u are unhappy with your M, the other person seems to be like freah air but that too will get stale and old , the problem lies in ourselves

if u feel like u are lost, just post your thoughts here, u are always welcome here and no one judges us for what we have done

stay strong and look inside yourself for the answers, i know i do, i know what to do but still i am struggling right now to let go of her but i know it is the right thing to do, just cant do it 100% right now, just making slow progress

take care,

max